Welcome to better today with your host Shawn Maguire and with over 25 years of counseling experience. This is the Christian and premarital counseling in Edmond podcast that inspires you to create both an amazing family and marriage. This is the Christian and premarital counseling in Edmond podcast that helps you to navigate the challenges of modern life. In this Christian and premarital counseling in Edmond podcast, you will be given the same tools, techniques, and stories that Sean and his team have used to help thousands of people to transform their lives. If you’re ready to make real progress, that will change your marriage, your family, and your life. Then get ready because better today starts now. Hi,
welcome back. I’m so glad you could join us again. I was wondering where are you going to make it where you’re not going to make it, but I’m looking and I see that you are here and I’m glad that you are. Well, last time we talked about parenting hacks when disrespect is running your home part one and I just started to get into what you could do to make the situations better, how you could specifically handle it because I went over what it looked like, how you got there, some underlying issues that create disrespect and you, your kids and one of the things I left off on was we need to bring calmness. We need to bring peace to the situation. Like Jesus comes in to the tempest storm when he’s in the boat with the disciples and he calms the storm with his presence and his power.
We have that same ability to do. That was the first one and I really want you to consider that if you’re looking to get respect and that’s a goal of yours from your little kids or your older kids or especially your teenagers, you might want to reevaluate your primary goals. Now. I think that could be and should be a byproduct of a healthy relationship of what you model and what you show, but when you demand it in a way that you try to force it, force it, force it with reactivity instead of pro activity. Productivity is planning in advance. Well then you’re going to create bitterness. There’s going to be a constant tug of war and you’re just going to be a lot of battles and fights that really a lot of times could have been avoided if we would have thought in advance of how to handle situations because our kids, they do give us patterns.
They do have consistent ways of acting. Just like if we look at our life, we have consistent ways of reacting and I think that as you jumped back into this or for the first time of how to handle this disrespect, I just want to encourage you, the people in your home because you love them and you give them the most access. We’ll have the easiest triggers. They will be the ones that trigger you the fastest, the deepest, and the most. Say, Sean, what’s the trigger? Will trigger. Just like on a gun, when you pull it suddenly explodes, fires out and can kill something or someone, oh, that’s the same thing that happens with us. If we’re not aware in our lives where our triggers are, well then the tendency to be triggered without our awareness. Is it going to keep happening again and again and again?
Because we haven’t evaluated and determined where we’re triggered at. So value of that is then we will continually be triggered but not have the ability to do anything about it because we’re not aware of how we’re being triggered, what’s triggering us or what the outcome will be. So just consider that as you’re looking and listening to this and thinking about how it applies to your parenting and your life in general. Now the second element I want to talk about that really will help you move the needle forward in reducing disrespect is speak the truth in love. Speaking. The truth in love is how Jesus modeled it. You know, I’ve heard it said by James McDonald that truth without love is brutality and love without truth is chaos. So think about how in your life, what areas, what situations provoke trigger you the most? I know one of my triggers is when I come home from work and I feel disrespected because I’ve worked all day.
It could be six 30 I could come home at nine o’clock at night, which I don’t do that hardly ever, but let’s say that I did. If Mike, one of my son or my daughter comes up and they say, Hey dad, you know where you been? You know I’ve, I’ve had to wash the dishes. You know I barely get to play for three hours outside today and these are complaining about these things that I perceive as little. Well then I’m going to feel disrespected. I’m going to feel like, why aren’t you valuing the fact that I came to the door or when I correct that behavior of, Hey, don’t do that to your sister or stop provoking your brother by saying words that incite him and they get so disrespectful and why I didn’t say anything. I don’t know what I said. It’s really hard if I’m living in this world, to not react to them in one way that we can really move the needle forward in a healthy, productive way in our families is to proactively think about what we say before we say it.
If you listen to any of my previous Christian and premarital counseling in Edmond podcasts or you’ve seen me talk or you’ve come to me for counseling, then you’ll know that I’m really big in about scripting out what we say. Having something in our minds or in written down as well that we can have available when a situation arises so that we can know what we want to say in advance. So we don’t say something we don’t mean and cause destruction that we don’t want to see happen. Well, let’s just give an example. Let’s say that your daughter comes to you and a voice and a tone because she’s a teenager or she’s a preteen and he’s just disrespectful. It’s off. It’s hurtful what we say in our family. Something like honey redo and they start to argue again. Well, I didn’t say anything wrong. I don’t understand. You know, I think now’s a great time.
Why don’t you go to your room for a little bit and just think about what you said and then we can talk about it later when you’re ready and if they continue on and to continue to be disrespectful, then I’ll say something like, you know, I, I hear you’re being disrespectful right now and you’re saying things that are hurtful to me and I know you don’t mean them in your heart. So what I want you to do is I want you to go to your room and I want you to write out what you’ve been saying and see if that’s the kind of person that you want to continue to be. Is that what you want to talk to me is your dad who loves you dearly? Or You could use this as a mom who loves you dearly. Another example would be when they call you a name or they say they hate you or they don’t love you or something that is really devastating if you take it to heart.
Well, it’s great to have a script for that. You say honey or bud, I know that you want the best for your life and I know that you really deep down love me and you’re just angry right now. And so we are called to speak words of life and we are called to give encouragement and we’re called to do all these things. He could say, son, I know that right now you want to speak kindly to me but you’re upset and it seems like you’re really angry. Well, I’m going to give you a chance to just think about what you want to say so that you could say it in a respectful way that builds a relationship instead of tearing it down. Cause we know the Bible says the boards of the power of life and death and they that yield it will eat its fruit in another scenario when they call you a name or they’re being disrespectful or something else and you just need to come up with something on the fly, you could say, you know, it’s right now you’re being very mean and you’re being in kind of words that you’re choosing to say to me and I’m being really hurt.
And so I want you to just take some time, go to your room and write in your journal, write out what you’d like to say, the message you want to communicate it, what it is you’re exactly needing from me so that you can come to me. Maybe tonight, later tonight or depending on the time. Maybe tomorrow we can talk about this and I really want you to just verbalize in a way that builds a relationship instead of tearing it down because I know you’re super love me and I love you and you know this is who you want to be. I just believe that about you because you’re a great kid. Now I’ve went over just some scripts I just came up with off the top of my head and I can sort of encourage you to really take the situations that you experienced repeatedly in your family with your children and write them out, write them out and then write the scripts that you want to say because now you have time to proactively plan what it is you want to say and think about your objectives of the kind of relationship you have with your kid.
Do you want them to just obey because they have to because you’re the one in power or do you want them to become righteous? Do you want them to have the ability to make their own decisions that are right? If the answer is yes, and I believe it is for everyone listening that you, some of you may want them to just debate and sometimes they have to just obey because that’s the right move. But longterm we want kids that make great decisions based upon who they are, not because we’re around, not because of what we’ve said, but because of what they believe and what they feel. So when you go over these scripts and you say what you need to say, remember 30 seconds or less is your move 30 seconds or less unless you’re teaching or having a conversation that’s going well, these kinds of conversations and maybe sometimes even 15 seconds or sometimes even 10 seconds or less is the right move.
And then let the weight of your words hit them and let the Holy Spirit do his work. Let the Holy Spirit marinate and help them see the life and the light of Christ and expose their sin to them. Now that brings us to our next point of pray for them. Pray for them, pray for them, pray for them. But before we go into prayer, I want to make sure you understand this. The number three thing that I want to talk about is do not forget to give out consequences, consequences, consequences. Did I say consequences? You know the discipline of the Lord Yields of righteousness, a yields a life. It puts the rebellion in the child away from him, away from him, and if you don’t discipline, if you’re not giving consistent consequences that are tied to their behaviors and their attitudes, then you’re going to miss out on one of God’s greatest resources of helping us and your children change.
It says in the Bible, the Lord disciplines those he loves. He disciplines those he loves. And I know the Lord loves you dearly and the Lord loves your kids. So think of consequences in advance that would be beneficial for your kids because if you do this, then you will have these consequences already in your mind. Maybe on a card like a three by five card or on your phone. He might even at some seasons of life, have them as your screen saver so that you have something to grab from. Instead of using anger, lecturing to, to discipline your kids and to give them a consequence. You use something that can actually bring life. And then you let the discipline, you let the consequence speak the volumes and the lessons and not just your words. So the fourth strategy dealing with disrespect is pray, pray, pray. Spiritual warfare is profoundly huge in raising our children because God is a spirit and he manifests his physical realm through his words.
He spoke the world into existence. And so part of your moves that you consistently need to do daily is pray. Ask The Lord to change the hearts of your kids, to help them become fully devoted followers of Christ. Unite. If you’re married, unite these prayers with your spouse, whether in the morning, whether at night, write them out right on who you see your children as through the eyes of God. Uh, you know, if you have a son, he’s a mighty warrior. He’s Valeant, he’s noble. He takes care of the weaker, he protects. He doesn’t take advantage. He uses his strength for good to change the world and not to conquer the world. If you have a daughter, your prayers would be Lord, help her to use her words to bring life, help her to use her beauty, to show the regulatory works of God, help her to remain pure in you realizing the value and identity that she has as it princess of an Almighty King.
And so these in through your prayers, let them leak out intentionally through your words during the day prayers, words. And what you’ll discover is God desperately wants to partner with you and the raising of your child. He wants to lead your children to love him because he knows that loving him as a way to eternal life in this world and then into eternity. They will live a blessed and abundant life when they are prayed for and they live out of their identity in Christ. So pray, pray, right? There’s even a song out right now. It’s says, this is how I fight my battles. And if I was my daughter, I’d probably sing it for you. But since I’m her dad and not my daughter, I am not gifted with the vocalist abilities like she is. So this is how I fight my battles and it talks about standing and and trusting God and all of this and seeing with the different eyes.
Cause a lot of times in parenting it can be super discouraging if we stay stuck in what we can just see in the moment. But it’s very encouraging if we know the Bible as passages like in proverbs where it says when you raise your child to love the Lord, he will not depart from that tramps with the child in the way of the Lord. And when he’s old he will not depart from that. I know there were times my mother held that scripture in a very hybrid guard because of my lifestyle because I was just in college and never deviated all the way. But there was times of backsliding with the temptations. I was around and she held that scripture in a high regard and believed it and spoke it over me and treated me like that. Like I was already living out of that grace.
Out of that love and out of that commitment to Christ. Now, that doesn’t mean there wasn’t consequences for my actions because again, actions should always have consequences whether they’re good or bad. Actions really do, and so let’s not prevent our children from experiencing their good and bad consequences. However, let’s pray them into the best life that God has for them. The fifth strategy that I want to talk about is forgive, forgive, forgive them. Why is this such a big deal? Well, I don’t know about you, but I am most easily offended by the three people in my home whose last name is McGuire. I am very offended by them in ways that I will never be offended by anyone else. Why is that? Well, it’s because they have such close access to me because I love them so much because I fight between wanting to control and wanting to let my kids make decisions that I know are even bad for them and wanting to control the environments they’re in so they don’t get hurt.
So they don’t make mistakes and they can just be loved and feel amazing and feel like they’re always winning and getting a participation trophy. But that’s not real life and that’s not a fallen world. And so I think when we moved from a position of forgiveness, then we’re going to walk in a position that is the opposite of our culture today, which is offense. We are free to love without worrying constantly about ourselves and what people are saying to us, mostly our kids and getting offended, and I know this is completely counter-cultural today, but it is a way that we can move freely and love and we don’t even have to wait on our children, ask for our forgiveness because we’re so wise that we want to give them forgiveness even if they don’t ask. Because the moment that we forgive somebody of their offense, that is the moment that God begins to give us His grace to break free, to live free of what they’ve done to us so that we can live out of what God has done for us, and that is the way that we are called a model and live as parents and not just a one moment in time of forgiving, but walking in an attitude of forgiveness.
You’ll be super glad that you did because you’ll live a much more free life. You know, I remember this one client that I saw and I was asking him, how are you doing so well with your 13 year old daughter? I said, because you’re telling me all these things that she’s doing, but you seem to be doing amazingly well, especially for a guy. You’re not reacting in anger. You’re not exploding, you’re not taking control and domineering. You’re actually talking with her through this and he said, you know, Sean, I decided that my life will not be ruled by a 13 year old girl. He says, I’m in my forties I’m a medical professional. I run a program and I have all these accolades and I’ve studied and I’ve been married and he has all these success stories in his life. He says, why would I give up my control of my life of me to a 13 year old girl who is emotions are all over the map to define my value, how I should act, how I should respond, and I never forgot that because that wisdom is so deep.
Yet it seems so simple. When you’re in the middle of the situation with parents, as a parent with teens or kids, you realize how hard it is to execute, but when you do and you realize that you walk in an attitude of forgiveness that you don’t take to heart the hurtful things that your children’s say, well then you can love them cleanly and more freely out of God. So don’t be controlled by a 13 year old girl. That’s a moral of the story. The next way we handled this respect is to be like Jesus and long suffering. Trevon attitude of perseverance. You know, he came to die for the cross. He lived this glorious life for 33 years. But when it was his time to go, he was horribly crucified, horribly abused, the worst in all of history. And he did that all because he loves us and his father, God sent his only begotten Son.
And that’s the story of how a father is willing to go to any length to show love for his children, which is us. So if we take that same attitude as Christ and we do not hold anything back from the way we are called to love our kids, not appease our kids, not please our kids, which those are two drastically different ways of approaching parenting and they are not biblical, but how to love our kids in areas, in ways that they most need to be loved and in our society today. That’s through structure that through persevering that through not reacting that through, not following the church mandate of giving every kid a phone or you know, being culturally relevant. No, we, you need to be biblically relevant and you need to follow what God says is great for your family. Even if the other people in your church or community are doing it very differently.
Honor that and persevere and God will give you the grace. But remember that Christ is your model of how we’re supposed to parent. And the last strategy of dealing with disrespect is as a parent, trust God for the results. Trust God for the outcome of what your children’s lives will become once you launch them from your home. Once they leave the nest outside of your good care and love, what will they do? Well, the results are God. It’s being responsible to who God has called you to be versus being responsible for the choices your children decide to make. One you have control over. You can choose to focus on how God can change you and you can not do anything about your kids’ choices when they’re not with you. You can force behavior modification and certain behaviors while they’re with you, but you can’t force a change of the heart, which is the goal of your parenting journey.
Now, let’s look back and think of how free you will be from this disrespect. If you just follow some of the rules, some of the strategies, and understand why you get so triggered by your children because you love them, it will really help to go listen to the Christian and premarital counseling in Edmond podcast number one of this two part series if you haven’t already. The first one though I want you to consider is remain calm. I remember we went over that. Bring the peace of Christ to the situation. The second strategy is to bring truth to the situation and remember that you know truth without love is brutality. The third is to give consequences for bad choices. Give consequences for bad choices. Don’t give lectures, consequences. We’ll speak much louder and be much more effective and lectures tend to destroy relationships, whereas consequences give opportunity and guardrails to move your relationships safely in the right direction.
The fourth is pray, pray, pray, pray for your children, pray for yourself, pray for your spouse, pray for their friends, pray for their future spouse. Did I say pray? Yeah, that is the vehicle as a super highway God uses to get all of his work done in this earth. The fifth is forgive. Don’t wait for them to ask. Walk in an attitude of forgiveness. The older your kids get, the more you’ll realize the necessity of not taking their words or even their actions to heart in the moment. Their brains are not fully developed. They live in a fallen world, and a lot of times their peers aren’t giving them the best advice. So refuse to let your life be dictated by the ages of your kids and the actions of your kids. So that’s number five. Number six is trust God for the results. Trust God for the results and let Jesus be the example that they follow.
Remember, that’s who we’re called to follow and that’s who we show them. When we do that, man, we put ourselves in a great position when we invite God to lead our family through us and remember that when we trust God for the results, then he has the burden and responsibility of making sure our kids turn out to love him. But when we accept that burden than we put ourselves in the position of God and we don’t have the power or authority to exercise that and it’s super frustrating and we can walk around feeling shame, guilt, like a failure because our kids are not acting in ways that we raise them to and we accept the responsibility. That’s all our fault. Now this does not mean we are not called to lead them, become fully devoted followers of Christ because we are, we are called to be the example.
It just means we don’t accept responsibility for the choices that they make and that is how to deal with the disrespect as a parent. Now I hope this was really helpful and what would mean a lot to me is if you guys would go to iTunes and rate us review as it gets the word out and what we’re doing is helping you discover what better looks like for you than equipping you with the tools to create one Christian and premarital counseling in Edmond podcast, one counseling session at a time. Also, if you haven’t, share this with a friend. If you need more than just a Christian and premarital counseling in Edmond podcast, great news. We have a team of counselors that marry biblical principles with cutting edge counseling techniques there would love to jump into your story with you and not just let you struggle alone, but join you and walk you through this difficult season of life. And you can do that by reaching out to us at New Vision counseling that live. That’s New Vision Counseling Dot Liv. We also have a Facebook page and an Instagram page, and that’s New Vision Counseling OKC. That is the handle for both of them. And remember, you can create an amazing life, one decision at a time. So start today.