Welcome to the New vision.live podcast with Christian counselor Shawn Maguire. If your marriage is in need of a tuneup, if you find yourself fighting more often than not and you’re ready to move from bitterness to better this, this is the podcast for you. Ladies and gentlemen, without any further ado, we proudly introduce your host, Sean Maguire.
Hi everyone. Welcome back to the New Vision counseling.ly podcast place where we help you discover but better looks like for you and then equip you with the tools to create it. Well, I’m excited because I have again been blessed by the presence of my amazing wife, Tanja. Hello everyone, and we are talking about something really cool. You know, in our marriage we have found this to be really helpful. Let me focus on these five areas and they are the ones we went over so far. What do you remember? Passions and finding a way to enter in to whatever your husband’s passions are. And like fishing or hunting or floors. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The second one was respect and admiration. Respect and admiration. Respect and admiration. You know, I had a friend, I think I talked about this, who invited me to be part of is initiating the son into manhood ceremony and one of the parts of that was airy man.
Got to sit right across from him and look into this young man’s eyes and tell him what it looked like to be a man. And then they go beyond that specifically how we saw him beginning to step into that manhood and really the eye to eye kind of connection validated that, you know, we do, you do have what it takes, you do matter to the world and you do have these qualities given to you by God. And we showed him this amazing admiration, amazing respect and we went over is Davin over how he had conquered his fear of terrifying fear of heights and roller coasters. And they went to Busch Gardens vol place in Tampa, Florida, which has crazy intense roller coasters. There’s one roller coaster. It was at the sheik rhe yes, we went to, we sat in the front row and you, when you look down, you could not even see the track, the track that it was on because it was inverted and it was underneath.
And so it looked like you were just going to fall into an abyss and die. Well, this guy who wouldn’t even get on a little wooden roller coaster at our little thing, Park frontier city. Yeah. And he got on this massive rollercoaster, the most intense one, and dominated, dominated. So just wanted to say how important it is to really respect and admire your husband because as a young man, we need it. And as grown men, married men, we desperately need it, especially with all the stresses and pressures of life. And because we live in a world, especially in America, where men especially, uh, seems like Christian men in day and age are disrespected and dishonored, it really matters what you do at home. So the third one, my wife has already starting a blush, which means a lot of women may already know what we’re going to talk about that men need.
And by the way, these are not in order. These are B, two B in order. It would be either respect and admiration. And then the second one would be sex or it could be sex. And then respect and admiration depending on your husband, depending on your husband, depending on his age, depending on your marriage, where you’re at. But those are the top two needs of every man. And I saved it for number three. Keep you woefully anticipating excitedly anticipating what’s coming next. So sex, this is pretty obvious about what, what this is. We’re not going to go into extreme detail. There’s a lot of books like between the sheets, uh, was a between the shit, no sheet music between the sheets by Kevin Leman, which is funny cause he’s, he’s an old dude and super wise guy that really knows his stuff on marriage and kids.
But he writes this book in his seventies about sheet music and it’s about intimacy in marriage or intimacy ignited is another great book. If you want to go deep diving into the sexual intimacy part of your marriage with specifics and all that is, those are great resources. But what I did want to say is a lot of women come in feeling like their husbands are perverts. Now, it’s true that a lot of men, I’d say most men have or currently are looking at pornography. It’s sad. It’s, it’s completely disrespectful to your marriage. It dishonors the covenant that you have because God says in the Bible, Jesus said, if you look upon a woman or a few less upon a woman in your heart, then you’ve committed adultery. Now we believe all that, and so part of this is realizing that one, God made men to desire sex more than women, and in most marriages, this is the case.
Now I see some marriages and it’s interestingly enough grown. We’re women actually pursue men more than the men pursue them, but that’s, that’s really in the low percentages. Mostly. I see the other way. Men Constantly, daily tasting, their wife’s around kind of like a, a buck and a doe. I mean he and wanting to have sex now women. I think part of the benefit of what you’re going to learn is that you’re creating, you’re creating very differently by God and that’s okay. It requires more effort on your part to connect sexually for most women because it takes a longer time to get yourself in the mood. It takes a lot of actions. It takes your emotional climate to be just right for you to actually enjoy them. I wrong or am I right about this? Tanta Nope, you’re right. You are very right. There’s a lot more that goes into it for a woman than for a man.
You know, and we, if we did this in our marriage group with our church and we went over this marriage on the series with Jimmy Evans, we were going through the part and went into the sex part, came up, I remember, do you remember how awkward this was for you? We, we had, we had this group of people that we were going through it with and she was like, I don’t think we should do this one. I was like, why? She’s like, it’s way too embarrassing. It’s way too intimate. I was like, Babe, this is part of the pillars of healthy strong marriages. We can’t avoid this. She’s like, well, I’m not going. I’m not going. So she was at our house so sure enough, she didn’t go no. Sure enough, she was all red the whole time. Kind of hiding under the pillows. But if you, if you don’t press into this, you know, there’s a myth out there that says, you know, great sex just happens and you know, if you have to talk about it, then it takes away from the romantic aspect.
It takes away from the pleasure and excitement. The reality is the only, the only thing that happens when you don’t talk about your sex life is that it doesn’t ever, ever get better. It doesn’t ever get better because you don’t deal with it. So one of the things get women that will really help is to just accept that your man is created differently than you. And that there’s nothing wrong with you no matter what anybody’s told you because you don’t have a high sex drive or a higher sex drive. It’s just different. And so that means you can read books about how you are wired. And that means you can also have these conversations, not right before you have sex. You can do that, but mostly they’re best had at a time where you don’t feel the pressure to immediately go into the sexual act.
And you can talk about what you enjoy. Maybe you don’t even know what you enjoy because you’ve just done it as your duty or you’ve done it because you wanted to get needs met emotionally and, and it wasn’t a healthy wiring in of your sex life. Well, this is your chance to really go back and allow God to heal parts of your life. You know, some of you may find room reading a book, like what was that book? Uh, was an intimacy ignited by Linda Dillo. So lady intimate, not intimate issues, intimate issues by Linda Dlo. And somebody else was really good about helping a lot of women really understand the dynamics of the sexual relationship and really understand their role and how it affects them. And that may be enough where maybe you want to get into some counseling, maybe marriage counseling or individual counseling. We do individual and marriage counseling at New Vision counseling.
Edmund in Oklahoma City, we do a lot of, all this kind of things we talk about. It really comes out of what we practice every day in our practice. So that’s a lot of words about counseling and practice, isn’t it? But it really does matter, these conversations because the conversations can build up over time. And listen, when you first do something, it’s awkward. It’s uncomfortable. Like my wife said before we started recording that she felt awkward just even looking at what we were going to talk about. Cause I write out the content. She said, I feel awkward. My face is turning red. Even just looking at this rat, let alone talking about it. So do you understand this Tanta does this make sense? Yes. After 16 years of marriage, I can,
I understand how important it is and I am facing my fears.
Well, one of the ways to do this successfully is to schedule it into your week’s schedule, a time to talk about your intimacy into your weeks. And he said, well, we have to schedule it then it doesn’t, doesn’t make, it’s not, it’s not good. It’s not right. It’s not. It’s not spontaneous. People say that about scheduling their sex too. And I would say for both the scheduling of sex and the scheduling of these talk times, it’s valuable and we always schedule what we prioritize. So guys, if you prioritize this and this is a high value for you, then you need to make sure that you schedule a time to talk about this. And women, it’s also for you. I would not advocate the pleasure that God says you can have through sex. I want to advocate the fact that this can draw you closer to your spouse. I would pursue it. It may take more work, but I would absolutely unequivocally not concede this ground to the devil and just say that I’ve just got to suck it up for the rest of the marriage and do my marital duty. I would look for pleasure and pursue that as well.
Well, and I would say when he says schedule it, when you say schedule it, it’s not like, hey, we’re going to, uh, tonight at seven o’clock talk for, have a 30 minute meeting about a sex. Um, we’re going to give you some, some questions to ask and some things to talk about. And it doesn’t have to be as formal as as what you may be thinking, but it’s at least setting aside some time.
That’s right. So I want you to consider some of you like me, I do like formal things, but there’s a lot of people that like less formal, but you do want to set aside the time. So let’s say let’s meet at seven o’clock tonight, well at seven or let’s meet at nine o’clock or eight 30, whatever, whatever the flow is that works for your family. Great. Do that if you don’t have to have the sex talk like yeah, with your kids, right? Every week you can actually have it a few times, but then check in like once a month, once every six weeks after you’ve got a good flow going and just evaluate, you know, how was that for you honey, after you guys have made love? How, how did you experience that and during these tough times really explore like what you enjoy, what, where do you like to be touched?
What do you like to do? Is there a time of the day? Is there a time of the day it doesn’t work? Is there something we should never talk about before we make love? There’s a lot of those things that really play into this. I have a good friend Trey Dixon with true north ministries. Um, he’s been through lots of marriage counseling. I’ve been in Oklahoma City and probably all over the world really. And you tray and this brother, anytime he gets an opportunity to share with men, he always talks about sex because it’s been such a big part of his healing journey with his wife. And him personally that he says they always pray before they make low. That’s of their thing. And then he says, I know you guys are calling me weird and looking at me different, but he says that’s a big part of what they’ve learned really consecrates that time before God.
Because if we think about it, God made us this way. We’re not stepping outside of doing something perverted. The world is made it that, but God made it pure holy in amazing. It’s one of the few things that you can do without any money, without having to show up and makeup that God left from the garden of Eden that is still incredibly pleasurable. And so I just think it’s in its purest form. It’s, it’s amazing. It’s connecting and don’t settle for anything less than this because guys and girls, God gave you this to also protect your relationship. It’s a barrier. When a guy is full, he’s not going to go into his workforce. He’s not going to go into the gym starving because what we know about people that are hungry is it will always find a place to eat. Know, I remember counseling this, these one couple Tanja, and they came in because he was caught in infidelity and we started talking about it and we discovered that they had not had sex for nine months.
How long did I say? Nine months. Now this was a young, really good looking couple. Both of them in great shape at the time. Well, somehow she’d gotten back into shape after only a few months of being at a pregnancy, which is a shocker, right? Cause all of that baby weight. She must’ve went hardcore, but she refused to have sex for nine months. There was no physical issues. She was just tired. She sounded like she just had the normal pregnancy of the ups and the downs and the highs and the lows of carrying another human being for nine months and in no way shape or form that I excuse or does God excuse in fidelity because he was 100% all the way wrong. Hundred percent his choice, but she was just shocked. How could he do this while she’s pregnant? And she was really barely able to finally get there towards the end of the counseling journey of understanding that she starved him.
Right? And so he was a good looking guy going into the workforce, surrounded by all different women, and she refused it. He refused it, she refused it, she refused him. And the Bible’s really clear, don’t, don’t withhold the sex or your intimacy except for under mutual consent, for an agreed upon period of time. Now this doesn’t count the people that have had issues physically or if there’s been adultery, then there’s a lot of discussion that needs to happen. And I think your best move is to get into counseling, you know, marriage counseling because we or others can help you through that so you don’t have to do it alone and you don’t have to figure everything out by yourself. It’s a great move. So do you have any parting words, others, so much that we could go over regarding the sex because it’s such a big deal, but I want to make that we give it, it’s on a undivided attention to it because it really is a big deal in relationships. Do you have anything that you’d like to go for it?
No, I think it is important to understand like everybody’s different. There’s going to be different seasons. Um, I know we’ve had different seasons where I’ve had hormonal things that have just held me back a little bit. But then there’s been other seasons where you’ve, you’ve had sickness and, and so, but I think just coming to, again, it’s that balance. It’s that agreement. It’s that mutual understanding of what does he need? What, what do I feel like I can give? And then in meeting somewhere in the middle, um, and I, and I think that’s getting into a routine as you know, it spontaneous spontaneity is something that both you and your spouse have an end desire and value it, then go for it. But I know most people that live busy lives have kids, have tons of activities. Um, it, it does, it has to be something that you schedule or you at least talk about. Talk about. Yeah,
no, that’s great. So for us, we know that you, our rhythms every three, three to four hours, I’m just kidding. Now she’s beat red. No, but for a lot of a lot of people and clients that I’ve discovered a rhythm for them is every three days, every two to three days. Now some of you say that’s way too much others to say that’s way too low. That’s fine. Every couple needs to discover their own rhythm. But every three days is an ish. It’s a really good starting point that if you’re not enjoying each other physically every three days or a right about there and let you know if you have sickness or something like that, that’s different. But then I’d really discuss about what a rhythm that’s healthy for your family looks like. And listen, you schedule everything else in your life. If you have a friend, you schedule time to meet with them. If you have a game for your kids, soccer, you’ll schedule to go to practice to make it happen. Because you know that they practice well, they’ll play well and you know that it’s school the same thing. We show up at our jobs everyday, we set our alarms because why we value what we gain from those experiences.
Yeah. And I think with the schedule to it takes some pressure off. So absolutely you, you know that I’m not, or I know that you’re not going to be kind of hounding me every day thing. Almost never. Yeah. Um, and also it gives a four s ladies I know for me, like it’s really important on, on those days that I am prepared mentally and emotionally and the, I save energy for the end of the night and that I have, you know, taking a shower or bath and, and feel, feel good about that. And, and so yeah, it helps all those
areas that does, it helps the women, especially to prepare themselves emotionally, mentally. Because guys, I remember this one guy said, um, he says, you know, I get out of the shower and he’s like, here I am. He’s, and he’s just thinks that’s the best thing ever. And when you, and he discovered, he said, you know, when my wife gets out of the shower, he thought I’m ready to go. And just, I’m super attracted. And when I see her and that’s all I need. And she’s like, well, I don’t know how to attracted you at all. When I see you get out of the shower. I’m like, man, why don’t you get a towel and get ready so you can help me with the kids? They have very different experiences of what attracts him. So I think scheduling, it gives a lot of opportunity for preparation and it also ensures that you’re meeting the needs of each other and that your husband doesn’t have to go into battle.
It doesn’t have to go into his work day or wherever. He lives in flows unprepared and really hungry because listen, I don’t like to go shopping when I’m hungry because I make bad choices on sweets. I make bad choices on food. I buy too much. I, I just make bad choices when I’m hungry, but when I go, when I’m full, then in my brain is fully activated and I can make choices that are most healthy and right for myself, my family, and my budget. The same is true of your sex life. It’s a gift from God. Do not, do not. Do not let the devil take the gift he’s given you the pursuant. It’s one of those gifts. It’s actually a gift and a fruit. It’s a gift that’s given, but it’s a fruit to has to be cultivated and over the course of your marriage, it can become progressively more amazing.
Well guys, I hope this was great. We’re going to have five and six coming up. So today we talked about a little bit. We went over. Guys love ways, five ways, five things that every man needs from his wife are one, passion, two, admiration, respect, three s. E. X, sex, sex, sex. And that’s a big deal. It takes a little bit amount of time, but the impact is colossal. And your relationship. If this was helpful, be great. If you guys could share with your friends that need it, if you could rate us, review us on Google, that would be amazing. And if you’re listening to this and you say, Shawn, this is great. Thanks for the book. Recommendations. Um, we live in Eben and or Oklahoma City. We would like marriage counseling from you or we live somewhere else. We’d like marriage consulting will then reach out to us. True north, our true north. That’s so funny. That’s Trade Dixon, the guy I mentioned, that’s his ministry. It is New Vision counseling dot. Live nuvision counseling.live and go out there. Reach out to us, we’ll get back with you because we help you discover and what better looks like for you. And then we equipped with the tools to create it. God bless and I look forward to talking with you again really soon.