Welcome to the New vision.live podcast with Christian counselor Shawn Maguire. If your marriage is in need of a tuneup, if you find yourself fighting more often than not, and you’re ready to move from bitterness to better this, this is the podcast for you. Ladies and gentlemen, without any further ado, we proudly introduce your host, Shawn Maguire.
Welcome to the podcast everyone. I am red bull excited this morning because my wife Tana Maguire is joining me now. I wish she could come every time publicly. She is fully engaged. Homeschooling our kids, looking over the finances of our business. Today is an exceptional day because she is here.
So Tanja, we’re going to talk today about something really exciting. It’s five things every man needs from his wife. No, I know. Being married to me for so long, almost two decades, you know all about what we’re going to talk about today, don’t you? I feel like I’m an expert now. I could make this podcast really short and say it’s a really simple, everyone. The five things are sex, sex, sex, sex, and sex. Because most men, that is a core need that they walk around thinking about meditating on pursuing. And it’s one of the ways that God made them. It doesn’t mean they’re perverts as long as it’s rightly pursued. It’s something that can add a lot of value and excitement to your marriage. But,
but I, I think you’re good to give the women’s something else. You might lose them if that’s all you told them to do.
Right. So I have four other areas that men want as well that they really are excited and I’m going to share this with you today. You Ready? I’m ready. Well, for 16 years we’ve been married, right? Yes. 16 and a half. And for over 25 years I’ve been counseling, doing marriage counseling and Oklahoma City and marriage casting Edmond. And we’ve seen so many different people’s lives changed by focusing on these five things and really getting really good at serving, you know, women serving their husbands. And I did a podcast already on men serving their wives. And I think if you tune into these five areas now we could’ve selected 25 a hundred because in mayors are so many areas that you can focus on to improve the marriage because it really is like a garden. Wherever you start to till the soil, whenever you start to fertilize it, whatever you plant, those will grow. Those seeds will grow. Sell. The first one is passion. What do you know about passion?
I know that some people are more passionate than others. For example, in our marriage, Shawn has a lot of passion. He is just full of passion. He’s even wearing a red shirt today to symbolize how passionate, very passionate person, you know,
and what I see is we all have needs and passion is, is something that I bring to the table. And I think that women, when you see that your husband is passionate about, let’s say for example, fishing. When I first met my wife Tana, we weren’t married of course, because she was just a lady that I met. I was really inefficient, love fishing, talked about fishing, wanting to move back to Florida where fishing is just amazing. And surprisingly she loved fishing too. Why are you laughing? Tanta well, I had such a great time going on all of these adventures. We went to bass pro shops. If you’re a guy, you know what I’m talking about. If you’re a woman who’s married to a guy that loves fishing or hunting, you know if you’ve ever met a guy, you know what I’m talking about. And it was such a big part of our marriage or our according time of dating that I, I asked her to marry me after probably being in bass pro for what, I don’t know, five hours, 10 hours, six hours.
And then we went to grapevine lake and I asked her all my bass boat to marry me because it was such a big part of our relationship at that time. We went on trips and and I, I so valued what she brought to the table and being my buddy and going along on these trips that I had her tell everybody in my family, all of my friends that she liked fishing, not just because she was dating me, but she liked it on her own accord. Because what I didn’t want to see happen is what? What did I, what was I afraid was going to happen once we got married, then I wouldn’t want to fish anymore. Yeah. So once she said I do, she would say, I don’t, I do want to be married now. I don’t want to go fishing. And now ladies and gentlemen, what do you think happened after you got married? What do you think happened after we got married? Katie, could you guess? So I remember there was one time, it was a Saturday, beautiful outside and it was September and I said, honey, great day, let’s go fishing. And she said, you know, I really want to just stay home and watch. Oh, you football.
No sooner. No, I’m just kidding. But I was shocked because I really wanted this enjoyment of my passion with my wife, part of which was a really a big part of our coding. I wanted that to continue, but it didn’t. And so I had to learn to adapt to those things. And I know that many of you women out there have really had this experience in your own marriage where it’s caused a lot of tension. And just so you know, I love fishing so much that we were going to move back to Florida and we really believed God was calling us and that was going to be a part. I was going to be a guide and all these exciting things. Well, I had to lay that down, but I also had to figure out a way to enjoy what I enjoyed. And 10 had to figure out a way to what name, uh,
to support you in just a balanced way. So what did that look like? Do you remember? Hmm.
So we have a dog named Rowan. We had a dog named Rowan who was just a puppy at the side and he was still exciting because he liked to go fishing, I think more than Tanta. Well wait, we went fishing with him, we went on trips with him and we had a lot of fun. And so we had to balance and marry two things together because guy, what else guys need is we build relationships best side by side doing activities together, rebuild relationships best. When we’re talking and doing something, even in our marriage today, one of the ways that we connect is we walk around the neighborhood. We’ll walk on a trail together and I know that for many of you women out there, you don’t like to go through the woods on a cold freezing morning waiting for a deer in a deer blind.
You don’t want to go out getting up at 4:00 AM to go fishing on a boat all day in the hot sun because that’s what your husband wants to do. However, there are other ways that you don’t have to go all day that you may be can discuss what it looks like. You know our, our last vacation, we went on a trip and I took a guided fishing trip and my family met me because it wasn’t, it was on a river and it wasn’t on a boat and they met me towards about the last hour. They got driven out there to where I was at and they met me and they fish for an hour with me. Now we have pictures and we got those memories that we can enjoy together and so we’re really finding ways to connect to your husband in a way that relates to his passion and his hobby, but it doesn’t totally dominate and overwhelm you, but help you consistently build healthy relationships moving forward. What do you think, Tana? Anything to add to that?
Yeah, I agree. I mean, not everyone’s into hunting or fishing, but whatever your passions are, you don’t have to, you don’t have to give up who you are, but you’d need to find ways to enter in to each other’s worlds and what each of you enjoy.
That’s right. That’s how consistently do that look for things that you can do together that maybe if you go on a trip, maybe he gets a half a day or a day that he gets to do that and maybe you’d go with it, the trip on a to hunt or to fish. If you go to a nicer cabin when you go hunting and maybe you go to a really nice place that’s not really hot and sweaty at the time of year that you go to go fishing and so you both can have a win there. Also, I want to jump into, go ahead
a spa. It’s nice for the ladies period. If you want to go somewhere. Yeah.
We went to big Cedar Lodge and my big win for the whole trip was to go fishing her big way and wants to go to this Grotta. Is that what they call it? Grotto Grotto. And it’s a spa. They have a big Cedar Lodge in Missouri. Go Big Cedar. We don’t have anything like that in Edmond when we do marriage counseling. I wish we did because I’d sent all my couples there cause it would help you connect. So the second one I wanted to talk about, the second thing every man needs from his wife is he needs what man do you know?
Beck and admiration and admiration. I got two and three mixed up. I’m glad you said that you I respected, I would have jumped the gun. See how you are. You would have given it away that people might have tuned out because it was so exciting. So respected. Aberration are huge in a relationship with a man. You know, women, if you were to say to a woman, I don’t love you and you would do things that are unloving, and when she said, I just need you to love me. He said, I don’t want to love you. Why would I love you? You haven’t earned my love. Most of us would think that’s cruel. That would be hard to, it’d be brutal, but you don’t respect the man. Well then what would you be cruel and harsh and brutal. That’s because you’re married to a mayor’s council or honey. That’s because in Oklahoma City where we live, that’s kind of the culture where we have our friends around us and that’s what we talk about. Yeah.
But in typical world it’s just acceptable. That’s just the way it goes on. I would go in and
yeah, I would go even further than saying it’s acceptable. I would say watch TV for a day. Watch any sitcoms, almost any sitcom. What does the guy portrayed as, uh, does he deserve any respect at all? No. He’s like dumb. And yet most guys on TV sitcoms can’t even tie their shoes without their wives directions. She has to draw a diagram and then he’s going to screw it up anyways. So she has to go in there and save the day because he’ll trip, break his neck and died and the kids won’t have a debt. So the wife has to tell him how to tie his shoes and it’s just a draw a diagram and then she has to also show them the diagram. You can not feel more disrespected by your spouse when you are made to feel like an imbecile when you are completely dishonored in front of your kids.
When you are walked away from, we’re made to feel like you’re stupid. And since that’s, you know, ladies, top two needs of a guy are really sex and respect, sex and respect. And you know, it’s a huge need for us. And when you are able to fundamentally respect us as men, there’s something that God put inside of every man that wants to rise up, that wants to become better than who he is, that wants to become a better dad, that wants to become a better husband, a better man in a society, a better business owner or an employee. And when you can tap into those resources inside of the man and stimulate them and help them to grow by feeding them, then you’ll get a different kind of a man throughout the course of your marriage. Tell me about when we first got married, what was that like? Well,
I was going to say first that nuclear explosion, those things don’t happen just out of the blue. Like you have to be so intentional. Um, you have to really, I mean, make a list of all the things that you respect your husband for and you’ve got to have them in front of you or else you will always default to what is normal for you, which is talking about what, you know, the faults or what he needs to do or what needs to be done or, um, and so I just wanted to say that, but yeah, when we first got married, I was gonna say too, depending on how you were raised in your background and, um, what kind of family you come from came from, this will either be easier or harder for you to, to get into that cycle of respect. So for me, uh, it was challenging to least,
so, you know, at one point in our marriage I, words of affirmation were really big for me. They still are at some level, but not as big. And I just said, babe, can you please just say positive things to me? Like thank me for being a provider, thing me for getting up and going to work when I feel really sick. And she’s like, I just don’t know what to say. I just, I never had that model. My mom didn’t do it. I’ve never seen that modeled in my parents. I, I just have never seen it.
Well, and in my mind to, it was like, that’s just what you’re supposed to do. Whether or not I praise you for it or not, you just like man up and, and just do it. You don’t need any encouragement to do what you’re supposed to do.
Yeah. And also she said, my head would blow up with all these compliments and I would, it would just explode with pride and she didn’t want to feed the monster anymore than in order to be fed. And so at one point I actually wrote her a list of, I don’t know what, 10 things, 10 12 things. And I said, hey, if you just, if you just carry this list, this is before phones are really cool and you could put all the list on the phone, just carry it with you. And when you think of saying something negative to tear me down, think of the list and bring it out and look at it. Just, just pick something off the list. Please. Pick something up. Lists, anything. And what’d you say? Do you remember? I don’t, but I know that I did not use that list. And do you remember what you said the 50th time I asked you to use the list? I don’t. Yeah. So I think the key point is you did not use the list.
I will have to say that it had, it had to come from the heart, had to be a heart change in me. It couldn’t be just something that was assigned to me. And so with his expertise, I mean, he was just, he was a lot more advanced at that stage of our marriage than I was. Um,
let me know where I’m at now. At that stage of our marriage. I eventually came around. You did. You did. And you know, I feel like even talking about it now, it just reminds me of how far we’ve come because when we first got married, so her family, the way that they dealt with issues was to not deal with issues. And then when people leave than to talk about the people that had the issues when they’re gone. I really never saw that. And the way that God wired me and what I’ve learned to be most helpful is to, if you have an issue, go to that person, talk to that person about the issue. So I’m married into a family that did not talk about issues and I talked about all the issues and I thought, well we’re family. We want to these issues you, you obviously have an issue, let’s talk about it cause you’re talking about it when I’m not around.
So I would confront these issues when they’d come up in real time, like at Easter, remember the one Easter we, we had one Easter where everybody left crying except for me I was angry. It was my house because something happened between myself and her dad, which God has done such an amazing, amazing work in that relationship because we’re buds now. He’s, he’s scholarly man, loves the Lord. He’s a pastor. But early on in the marriage, we would get in arguments and I would say things like, this is a house where we serve God. You’ve got to leave. You can’t yell at me like that. And Tanny would, instead of like standing by my side, she’d run away and hide in the room or go somewhere else and she would literally turn around and walk away. And I’m thinking, I’m standing for God and being the right to sky and saying that we’re not gonna let these sins pass on to our kids.
And I could have done it. Looking back away, more tackling, because I had a really big sword. I might’ve had a right heart and a right motive, but my execution of that was very, very short of where it would be today of being tactful and kind and gentle. But guys, I can’t tell you how hard it was when she walked away from me. I felt like I was standing on an island alone surrounded by sharks and the only way I knew to come out of that was to argue and to just to verbally just man, go after it and try to make what I thought the right thing to do was make it happen. And that was tough. Right. Do you remember how tough that was? I felt disrespected and I know a lot of you guys out there that are listening can relate to this and even the women maybe in your own home.
There were times when we were sleeping in bed. I felt so just rejected and disrespected. I had to get up and you’re weren’t even saying anything. And part of it was your issue. Part of it was my issue. I’ve just, my high level of sensitivity at that time of just needing that respect, desperately needing their respect. I had to get up and go sleep on the couch because I couldn’t take it. Yeah. Do you remember when we first got married? Guys, check this out. When we first got married, we got an argument and I remember saying to you, I said, nobody talks to me that way. You need to leave and you looked at music, you need to leave. This is my house. So I got my keys and I left.
That was really tough. I remember, I’ll never forget that. I’m thinking, I thought, what have I done? There was nothing I could do cause she’s right, it’s, it’s our house. And previous to that point, if anybody ever talked to me that way, I’ve heard of removed myself from that situation or, or do something to change it. But in marriage I were married, we were living in the same house. I can’t kick you out of my house because we made a covenant. And so that’s the, that’s the side of where we started. And I share that because maybe you don’t know us personally, but if you saw this today, you would be shocked. None of these stories would seem like they’re relevant. They would seem they’re from another couple. But that’s where we really started and we had to really pursue and press into God to find ways for me to teach her how I need to respect him.
Me Not to be so easily offended that I would react in negative ways. When did I felt disrespected? And so what you can take out of this is for you guys that are listening, find ways that you can get your honor and validation from God, from some good godly men in your life that you can have support you and develop a level of strength so that when you’re kicked, when you’re punished, when you or you feel that way, I don’t think physically, but when you, I felt like I was verbally and emotionally punched that I, I can withstand because of the armor of God. And because of the strength I have in my friends and God and my work that I’ve done personally through counseling, that I’m able to deal with that effectively instead of reacting in a harsh way and trying to shut you down or demand that you respect me, which never works out well.
I can simply absorb the punch. And I can tactfully respond or I can give space and I can let you kind of God deal with you in his own time in his own way instead of forcing my will and my way upon you. And then for women, something that I have found that it’s really helpful is if you find ways that you can respect and honor your husband. My number one way that you, do you remember the number one way that you, that I say, Babe, when you do this, there’s no greater way to honor and value and validate me. What does it, you know,
I think it’s just to speak lovingly and praise you in front of you.
Yup. That is my by far my number one because when, when she’s critical in front of me in front of the kids and if you knew me well, you would know that being a dad is one of my highest callings in life. And the flip side is when she praises me in front of my kids and and validates, you know, honey, I know you were really sick or you had a really emotionally taxing day because you dealt with that issue with that, that couple that was on the verge of divorce and you work til nine o’clock last night and you got up and you did it again. Thank you. That just, that makes me feel like a hero. That makes me feel like, wow, I matter to my wife and then it should. Then it helps me feel validated on that another level because my kids are seeing, hey, this is what godly love looks like. It looks like building others up in the ways that speak life to them. Do you have any other ways that you can think of that you see me or other men that you know, feel, build up in?
I would just say, you know there’s all that you can, you can have respect and admiration behind closed doors on. It’s just youtube, but I think it really goes to another level when you can take it in front of other people. Whether that be your kids or coworkers or um, whoever it may be. Um,
no, that’s good. So validating and praising them in front of other, that matters to me. I know what matters to a lot of the men that I serve in counseling, he had made in Oklahoma City marriage counseling, that they really are impacted by the words because words, the Bible says bring life where they bring death can bring life or they create life, they create death. Something else that I find is really valuable is if your, your husband has helped, if he’s been loving, if he sacrifice really, you know, we have a journal in the morning, it asks us to find the things that are right about the day. What will make the day great. And at the end of the day it says what was great about your day? And so it highlights the areas that are positive both in the morning and at night. And if you can take that and apply it to your relationship with your husband, well you’ll be looking for ways that he’s succeeding.
Now, some of you ladies out there saying, Sean, Tana, you don’t know my husband it. And I would say to you, you are great women of faith and I just want to validate your faithfulness and trusting God. You may need to take something really small or something from the past and speaking in faith over him, not that you’re denying the reality of who he is. You’re simply speaking, really speaking of prayer, of faith, of this is who I see God calling you become. And I’m going to validate that through my words moving forward. And women, I’ve seen a lot of men’s start out just a shell of a man and really advocating their role in their marriage by watching TV, by getting involved in hobbies. But when the women start to speak, their wife start to speak life over them. You know, I think it’s very interesting.
The, the feminist movement, uh, has, has made women seem powerful. But I think, I think there’s an element of power that has not been talked about a lot. And it’s the power that you, women given by guy have over us. Men. Like if, if you even start from a very early age as a boy, we were actually watching my son most of the day before yesterday outside. He was on our slack line, going back and forth, walking this tight rope. And I said, Babe, I said, you know what? I hate him and love. She’s, she said, what? I said, he would love nothing more than for me to pull up a chair and in front of that slack line and then he’ll just watch him while he does these feats of strength. And while he does these tricks and does these things that for us are like, okay, and then he would love nothing more for you to move that chair to the trampoline and then watch him jump and touch his toes and jumping, smile and jump and do something silly.
Women, you are so powerful and I, I just want to validate that you’ve been given an influence in a power, even if maybe in your marriage right now in a relationship, you’re not aware of how powerful you are because of the dynamics that you’re currently in. I’m just telling you, authenticated by God. You’ve been given a license to, to value, to, to bring life, to have a relationship in a way that men simply are capable of. And so I just want to validate you are special in that area and this may require likely to get girlfriends outside of her that are positive and encouraging that you guys can talk and walk through this together, encourage each other because you’re not always going to get that validation or that understanding or that positive feedback from your man immediately. And some of you women may have not gotten it for years and you may just find the value of just jumping right into counseling individual or marriage counseling.
If you’re an urban Oklahoma City or around he Oklahoma, we’d love to see you or you want to do phone consulting, we can do that, but find some way to begin succeeding because that’s how you’re called to live. You are life givers and you are more powerful than you ever can imagine. Where do you think maybe, is that true? Yeah, I’d have to say Amen. And I would say when I first married my wife, a big part of the attraction and she was the perfect combination between the two two to my heroes in my life, which was my mom, single mom and my grandmother. And my wife is super intelligent, like both of them has a really funny laugh like my grandmother and is really loyal like my mom was or is. And one of the things that she discovered over being married, you remember what she used to say when we first got married?
You’d say, you’re so smart. I’m so dumb. You’re so smart. I’m so dumb. You’re so smart. I’m so dumb. And she’ll have to give you some insight, which I’m not really sure I want her to, but she never, I don’t know that she ever, ever says it anymore. Do you know why you don’t say that anymore? Well wait, I’m not sure I want her to answer that question. Give them the answer that I’m just kidding. Why do you think you don’t ever say that anymore? What’s, what’s happened to you in our relationship? Bleed. I think your ear words and what you spoke over me just constantly like constantly, um, they changed the way that I saw myself just by the power of your words. I saw you grow. Like number one guys, I would never marry anyone as smart as me. They would have to have to have to be smarter than me because I love intelligent people and I love good conversation and learning.
It’s, I would never, so I thought how can she think that I’m smarter than her? She’s been a calculus for straight A’s in school. Like she’s my ideal. She’s the person that I was like, Hey, you want to hang out and study together in college and high school because she’s brilliant. And so to me it made no sense cause there’s a woman that I married was brilliant, not smart brill yet. And so the words that I spoke of her, her really started to impact her. And then the same is true of her because these days she validates me as a provider. She thanks me for fighting the good fight and I don’t know what it is about us men, but we love it when you tell us for good fighters. So you know you fight for our family and now she has my daughter even doing it.
She wrote me a note for Father’s Day, Dad, thank you for fighting for our family, getting out there every day and doing spiritual warfare. It’s such an impactful way to live and I, I may seem like I’m overselling this, but I can tell you that if you’re able to about really ask your husband or your, your, your boyfriend, whoever you are with, hey, how can I respect you? In what ways make your heart sing what it helps you come alive? What words, what activities really help you feel valued? Then give them some time and write them down. You know, if you sit down with a notebook and you really, one he knows you’re not intoxicated or you’re not trying to set them up for asking for a new house or a new car or some piece of jewelry and he really believes that you really want to know, then I think you’ll start to see a different evolution of your relationship begin to take place that’s positive and that you’ll actually be able to see God move in his life.
Now I don’t have a timeframe because everybody’s different. I just know these are great seats to so in your relationship, and I just want to add one thing too, there’s all different kinds of intelligence. So I think for a lot of us out there, relational intelligence or intelligence or emotional intelligence and really good point is has not been studied or worked on or practiced. And so like I think that’s where I was is that yeah, I have these brains, but I had never, I had never practiced emotional intelligence or relational intelligence. And so that’s the part that I saw in you that I was like, you’re a genius when it comes to this stuff and I am so dumb. And so yeah, just for all of you out there that it’s like anything else that you want to do or be good at it, whether it’s a hobby or studying for an exam or whatever.
Um, you just have to practice. That’s really good. Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. Because I did a lot of work on myself. I went to counseling, I read hundreds of books on marriage, on family, on anxiety, on pretty much everything so that I could be the best version of who god made me to be. And I want it to be the one so that I could find the one and live the life that God gave us to the Max and yeah, but your job in that was to show me that I was capable of, of something greater in that area. And you know, if I could do calculus for, than I could, you know, dot dot, dot. And by the way, guys, that was a super attractive thing when she told me, I know it’s maybe sounded really weird, but she said she’s like when the Calculus for cause like I asked her what her highest math was.
It was one of my moves and dating people. I was like, what’s your highest math? Kind of let me know where they’re at. And Yeah, Calculus for, I’m like, man, I hit the gold pot personality looks, loves God. Calculus for www. It’s all, where’s the ring? Here’s the ring a few months later. So guys, I just want to encourage you to take the time to teach patiently, kindly, gently women. Ask Your spouse how you can better serve him. The respect, and this is the hard one. Also ask, what are the ways that you feel like I’ve been disrespecting you? And now some guys like me have a rapid response likely to rapid. Remember the magic show when the guy kept giving me clues, but I kept answering before he actually was able to give him the clues. It’s like I’m getting it wrong until I figured out what he was doing.
But many guys need time to process to think about, so you might need to give him a day or two days, but then go back to it and talk about, hey, what are some ways that I can, that I’ve been disrespecting you? And then you can formulate your ways of respect because likely the ways that hurt us the most, it’s it’s, it’s an encourager serving the dark side by criticizing because all criticism, no matter where it’s at, subtracts even constructive criticism subtracts it tears down. Now with constructive criticism like in therapy, the other side of it is we build back up, we tear down the walls, the structures that had been built that are toxic relationships, ideas, limiting beliefs. It does comes critical, constructive criticism, tears down, but then godly encouragement, exhortation builds back up and so that’s what you’re going to have the opportunity to do.
What guys, I hope this was really great. I know there’s five of these and we’re going to do at least the next two in our next podcast after this one, but we want to say thank you so much for tuning in. What do you say? 10 annual. Any parting words before I close this out today? Yeah, hopefully you’ll, you’ll come back and get the, I know the guys will really encourage their lives to come back for part two because that’s when we talk about then presses three little three letter word. So went to the s and ends with an x. So guys and girls, Hey, today we talked about guys w five two of the five ways are to meet every man’s needs, the things that he wants the most and your husband or the guy you’re dating or one passion, find something that you can do with him that he enjoys, that you can move and build the relationships side by side.
That really is one of the big ways my wife wooed me in fishing. Maybe this podcast. What motivated her to get back out there and do it? Maybe not. She advocates at the kids a lot. And then the second one we went over is what they respect and admiration. Huge. Huge. And if this was helpful, please share with your friends that could use some encouragement because that’s what we do. This, we want to bring life. We want to motivate people to see that better is available to you and really at our counseling practice, New Vision counseling and consulting and Edmund in Oklahoma City where we do marriage counseling, Christian family counseling, all kinds of counseling. We want to help you discover what better looks like for you and then equip you with the tools to create it. Now we do that. They’re joining you and your story.
We just don’t sit on the couch and listen, but we jump in. We get to know the real you behind what you show to the world, the you that has dreams, hopes, pains and hurts and we help you navigate to the best version of you that God has planned. If you’ve liked this rated on Google, I mean a lot to me. We put a lot of effort, these podcasts, and we’re going to get better and better as we go because we’re believing God to really impact lives. We already see those lives impacted in Oklahoma City, Edmond to marriage counseling and all that, but we want to see them impacted around the world as we have the reach of God that goes through these podcasts. So have an amazing week and until we meet again, God bless.