Hey everyone. Sean McGuire here from New Vision counseling with the Edmond Christian Counseling team. Today we have our very own Heather Darby going to bestow on us some amazing wisdom about
what loved languages. So this is something that I bring up with everybody that I meet is these five love languages. I know how to identify them for ourselves and swells for those that we care about. And knowing these all languages is life changing, I think. And so I bring it up with anybody I can. And so, um, not only identifying for ourselves how we feel loved by others and how we show love to others, but also how other people feel love is so important to speak their language, just that they feel loved. And so I would just want to go over these, these love languages with you guys and, um, and hopefully help you get some insight in that. Yeah, I’m just filling your life with love and other people
as well. Tell us where you’re from. If you guys are tuning in and just tell us where you’re from, we’d love to know.
Yeah. And so we’re going to start off with gifts. Um, you know, some people just love receiving gifts. I love giving gifts. Um,
Fan. He remarked south a gift today. Again, he’s really good. He’s very, thank you. Ben. Got His name. Makes me feel so good.
Yeah. And that’s a real thing. So, um, you know, some people are just don’t really care so much about gifts, feel awkward about gifts, but some people really that, that makes them feel loved and connected with others and just love the process of giving gifts, of picking out bag, right. Gift for somebody. And so identifying if that’s you. Um, and if you, if you feel like somebody who likes to give you gifts, be aware of that, that’s probably their love language. And so whenever you’re trying to share that you love that person, find them a gift, even if that’s not your love language. If it’s theirs and they connect with that.
Did you want Oh yeah, we’re very thoughtful.
Yeah. And so it doesn’t always have to be an expensive gift, right? It can, it, that’s mostly about communicating to the other person. I was thinking about you. I was busy and I was thinking about you. And so it could just be something as simple as I was at the doctor and I brought you a lollipop. Well whenever I came home. And uh, so you know, gift can be anything. It can be a big, it can be small, it can be expensive, it can be not so expensive, but it’s just a little token to communicate. I was thinking about you. That’s really great.
The one thing about the gifts that I kind of things it really good because I like to get gifts, but I like gifts that are super well thought out and where the person’s deliberated and really means to me. And so probably gifts on my love language because I have all these kind of things around what kind of a gift at one. But the person that has the gift of love language, the love language gift, it gives her love language. What does that look like? Like what specifically, how do you know? Cause I like to get gas and we know, we all know Ben Likes to get gifts. Yeah. So Ben, do you want to share a little bit about that? You brought a gift.
What is interesting because Sean’s saying he likes specifically, this is actually gifts. Any puzzle is Shawn and his family thought of you on this? We like puzzles to, no, I brought, I brought, I brought a guest. Um, I’m just trying to gifts gifts as much in general, but um, you know, like my wife, she likes to give me gifts and that’s her love language because that makes her feel good. She picks it out. There’s that thought like you’re talking about that thought behind it and she’s just, it just means a lot to her to me know what that meant to me is sometimes where she gives me a gift. The way I receive it makes a difference. Absolutely. Or show that because I have a tendency of Oh, thinks and she’s looking for, thank you. You know, this is great information. Um, and so some way be able to affirm that and do that. Understanding that sort of languages is a really big deal.
Absolutely. Yeah. Knowing, knowing if that’s their love language that changes how you receive it, right? Because part of that sharing that love is knowing that you received that love. And so if you’re not a guest person and you receive about, oh, that’s nice, then that transfer of love didn’t happen the way that the person giving the guest is expecting it. And so that’s just a, that is a great love language to have for those who have it. And then for those who receive it that way, um, another love language is that physical touch. So hugs, um, you know, for padding on, uh, you’ll see this a lot with little kids if they want to be in your lap, they want, um, bedtime cuddles, um, with your spouse. You might see if they want to sit close to you and they need a hug whenever they come home from work. Uh, so being tuned into that, you know, maybe you’re not a touchy feely person, but maybe somebody in your life is. And so getting over that you can communicate to them, I love you. And going outside of your love language to share it with them. Uh, of, you know, what, they can be rubbing the back. If they’re having a hard day, it can be patting their back, giving them a hug. Um, you know, any of those things. Right?
So notice that. I mean, there are some people that really don’t seem like they ever need to be touched, and sometimes they’ll hear that in sessions with couples is like, we never touch. And one person really isn’t that important. It’s not a negative thing. It’s not, I don’t want you to touch me. It’s just that was important to me and says, you know, trying to figure that out. Um, but you’re right, it’s just not, again, not your love language. You’ve got to extend that out and understand that that might be really important to the other person.
Right. Right. And it’s,
uh, going back to that gift thing, it can look like, uh, I’m going to buy you a pair of clothes, so I’m going to buy it. My side is not yours. That’s Kinda had this love language thing. You’ve got to know how, what they need. And so picking out, you know, if I give Sean, um, a woman’s sweater in my size, he can’t use that,
use that. And so I need to know what his size, his, what his love languages to communicate that to him. And so if, if somebody in your life, their love language is physical touch, finding out what that looks like for them, do they need hugs? Even if I don’t really need hugs, uh, it’s important that they feel loved as well. And so knowing to give them a hug whenever they come home and spending some sending that, uh, that physical touch and asking them what they need.
You know, a really a really good thing to keep in mind is when you have kids, all kids require physical touch, different levels. But I think a lot of times when we’re raised, a lot of our parents love language, they give it to us and really of our generation wasn’t even a thought of what we needed as far as that goes. Emotionally. It was more of meeting our needs for food, shelter, and clothing. And so I think if we, you know, part of just the, especially the physical touch is so important that we do it in a healthy, loving, consistent way because then the kids have the open door of a lot of opportunities to be touched moving forward in their lives. And it was still that upon their kids, their friends, their families. And I think about the clients that I’ve had that have not enjoyed physical touch or said it wasn’t a need. Oftentimes unless they’ve got some kind of a autistic disorder or something like that, there’s a lack of affirmation physically from their childhood. There’s a lack of being a Edmond Christian Counseling mentor and having a safe place to just relax and as somebody who’s arms and not be okay. So I think as adults we change and we have different needs, but just wanting to be clear that as kids we need to be very intentional about this physical touch too because they all need it.
Yeah. And something else that I was thinking of, knowing whenever something, somebody’s love language is physical touch. I’ve got, I’ve got a girlfriend in my small group and whenever I give her a hug, she always comments of who gives such good hugs, she notices that. And so that tells me that she values physical touch. And so knowing that I give her hugs, uh, whenever I see her at church and she appreciates that. And so I make sure to give her a good strong hug and let her know that, you know, I’m here for her. Um, but other people might be a strong handshake or it might be another love language. Well, might be quality time. Right. And so you’ll find, I see this a lot. Yeah.
In quality time. So That’s love language number three. Number three.
Yeah. And so that quality
time, which can be side by side time. And so, well I see that a lot with, uh, with men. Um, I know my husband has his quality time where we’re sitting side by side and we aren’t even necessarily doing the same thing. Sometimes we are, but sometimes it’s just being in the same room. And so that’s that degree. What degree in what form do they need quality time in? Do they need to be engaged and doing a puzzle with you having sitting down and having dinner together and having a conversation? Or is it just being in the same room being near? And so that quality time, what does that look like? And one thing I see in couples with quality time is that sometimes women on their version of quality time is, oh, we’ll do a task and we’ll have, um, quality time. And so with, with women, we might say, okay, the kids are in bed, so I’m going to work on a scrapbook.
And even though my husband needs quality time, I’m going to sit here and do a task. But the man’s really needing you to watch the movie with him or really engage with him. And so it’s important that we know, like you said, the degree of the quality time needed because it doesn’t, it’s not gonna work the way we intend if we don’t. Exactly. Right. And that’s knowing that other person and asking those questions of how can I love you best? Uh, how do you feel the most loved by me? And having those questions with those that you care about and those that you love so that you can provide for that need. Because everybody wants to feel loved and wants to feel that love. And so making sure that you’re finding out what size fits them, not one size fits you, right? Yes. What if I get a sweater from Heather? That’s just going to be weird. If it’s not my size, right. It won’t be communicated. When I was trying to communicate extra large, obvious,
a love language for is words of affirmation, right? Kayla, you did a great job with that couple today. Uh, you really spoke to their needs and uh, help them out. Good job. Thank you so much man. Just that it makes my day today. I really appreciate that. Thank you. Yeah. Or you know, Katie, I love those earrings on you. I like the color really brings out the shade of your skin. Okay. So that,
yeah,
using your words, you know, and this is what I can, I see a lot with that with a, if it’s your love language, you use it also to show love, but also it can be your sword and it can be very uh, used to hurt people. And so being aware of that, if you hear harsh words coming from somebody, whenever they’re hurt, that also means probably means that’s their love language and that’s how they feel love. And so this one, using your tongue to either speak and inspire somebody and to um, positive words or it can be used to hurt somebody. And so being aware of that, of how people use their words and if that’s something that they feel power from.
You know, in the Bible it says life and death are in the power of the tongue and then it yielded, eat its fruit. So I think of that, that it’s very true that our words, you know, God’s a god of creation and we never are more like him. Then when we’re creating and when we speak, we are creating something, recruiting an atmosphere and environment of love or creating an environment of criticism or rejection. So we really have that power and those who, whose love language is words of affirmation or one of the love languages. It is profoundly exponentially impactful on them when they speak. Because I know one season of my life it was words of affirmation and I still am a words guy big time. But since I’ve had kids, I’ve become more of an active service cause I need so much help. We all that.
But if you have kids, you know, I’m telling the truth. So I think it’s really important to realize that we do have a sword, you know, and, and swords are used to protect and swords are use to harm. Both are true. It’s why they, Bob sends a double edged sword, right? Because it cuts this side, that side, depending on how you use it. So it’s going to be really intentional with the people. You know, when I first got married, I remember I was such a words of affirmation guy. Now with my wife, she was, I don’t know, she was just out there and she said, she says, I’m just not good at that. She’s like, I’m not communicative and I’m not a words person so I don’t even think to say positive things for you. And so me being Shawn Maguire, I wanted to find a solution.
So my solution was, let’s pretend this isn’t a puzzle of 2 million pieces that I wrote a list. If the things I like to hear the most, and I said, honey, just pick one thing a day. It’s the one I was begging her when we first got married and just say that. And if you can’t remember anything else, just say that again and again and again. I’m a guy, I’ll like it. I won’t remember what you said. And so you say it again and I’ll enjoy it each time you say it and value it. So it’s also, if we know our love language, it’s helping those around us to love us well. Because when my love tank is full, I am better capable of loving others and those around me more effectively.
Yeah. And knowing your love language and those around you helps you identify when they’re loving you and helps you fill that tank up. I love that. And you had mentioned the fifth one, which is acts of service, doing things for other people, things being done for you. Uh, and it, whenever somebody does the dishes for me, I love it. Uh, like you said, once you have kids, that is great. Yeah. And your love language can change throughout your life and a lot of people’s do. And so being tuned into that of what that love languages, wherever you are in life and so that acts of service and can go hand in hand with the words of affirmation. Whenever I tell my husband, thank you so much for doing the dishes, that really means a lot to me. He’s getting the of affirmation and, and I’m getting acts of service so it works out well. Yeah. And I’m telling him exactly what I liked, what I needed from him so he can perform and we can both succeed. It’s a win win. And so, uh, that acts of service, you know, all of these can kind of go hand in hand with the other ones. But being tuned into what the other person, what fills their tank as well as what Phil’s yours, they communicate that to them. They can communicate back to you and you know, it’s all in that communication.
That’s good. That’s a question though. Um, but if somebody really loves me some, they just know my language.
That is a good,
or at the very least, if you’re lucky, they should just basically read your mind. You should know. Yeah. They should just read his mind. Right? You guys can relate.
But I see a lot and, and families, not just married couples, um, but it just in families in general and relationships in general, that’s one of those traps that people get into is this, people should read my mind and some people that’s not their, their strong suit. I know. I can’t read minds. I wish I could live would be so much.
He’s quiet, but she can read minds. She’s doing what she’s doing right now. She’s reading your mind
and, and so, you know, whenever you get caught in that trap of people should remind mind and know what I want. No one I need. You know, you’re not giving them the opportunities to succeed. And so helping those people love you best is giving them those tools. Telling them, yeah, that’s that communication. Right. And that’s, I feel like why mow? A lot of people come in to see me. A lot of Edmond Christian Counseling marriages come into seniors. That communication, that’s usually the first thing we need help. That’s, it’s so cute.
So how do we, how long does it take to learn one of these love languages? If I’m not in tune with that language before?
Well, however much you practice it, just like any other thing that you’re trying to practice a foreign language, you know, if you practice all day, every day, you know a word here, a word there, trying to learn Italian and so it, yeah, it depends on how long you practice, how much you do it. And so if you’re trying to tune into gifts, gifts, gifts, I’m going to give gifts. Any you do, it’s all about gifts that you’re going to become pretty efficient in that. But if you think about it maybe once a week, you know, you’re not gonna, it’s not gonna come along. But if you, if you put a post it note on your mirror first thing in the morning and uh, you know, in your car, you put a post it note over the radio, you know, it remind yourself and you try hard, then you’re going to learn it faster.
I know that’s something in my own marriage is it’s been learning words of affirmation. My wife’s totally a words of affirmation person. And so that’s been really difficult for me because I just go do acts of service. That’s just how, how life goes. Just help everybody else out. And a thank later. But, uh, it took me a long time to learn that language and my wife was so desperate and I think the one thing that could have helped me give her the words of affirmation she needed was just like Sean was saying, writing it down, but she was so desperate. If you’re feeling desperate for one of these love languages, make sure you’re communicating clearly. That helps your spouse, that helps your friend, that helps your family understand what you need. And sometimes I think that’s where people get lost is that they’re not communicating anything except desperation. So that’s good.
And you know, if you’re married or in a relationship, it’s really important and not expect your spouse to meet all of your love language needs. Cause that’s a lot of burden. I know I don’t. A high affection, high words. I know it’s a surprise to you guys, right? Oh yes. And when I had kids, man, this burden of affection just was released from my wife because these kids, I’ll get to hold them, I get to kiss them, I get to snuggle. They’re all on me all the time. She calls it wallering. I call it snuggling. And it’s been amazing. Now there’s going to be occur when my kids move on and they get older, that hopefully our marriage, give him a stand that, but, but really look, your will really look to those around you and healthy and godly ways to meet those needs, right? With quality time, with affection, with gifts. You know, finding quality friends is profoundly important. Those that are willing to get to know you to the point they know how you receive love and they’re willing to give it and then you can give that and receiving and then it just really takes a lot of burden off of one relationship and allows that relationship to flourish and, and grow just the way God meant to without the burden of having to be the sole source of all five of them.
Right? And so that’s, you know, some people want to say, well how, how does, what does that conversation look like? Right? That can be a scary conversation to have. A lot of anxiety is brought up when everything, how am I going to communicate this to my spouse? Well, what does that look like guys?
I knew she was like, I knew by the way she phrased the question how deep the question was that she was going to ask Ben to answer it
of that. You know why? And I mean first, well I do know there’s just on my quizzes you can take on this thing too. So sometimes you can do that. Like find a way to go both take a little quiz or test and then bring it, um, to each other. How people who’ve done that. Um, so, so you’re saying it
five love languages test is a great way to kind of get to know what your love languages and that, that, that, that’s a really good, I think that’s a really good thing to say because it’s clean. Yeah, it’s free. It’s online. Is there five love languages.com
and who’s the author of the book? Gary Chapman. So I know for me and my husband, we had this conversation lot
whenever he comes home, he communicates to me, Hey, I just, I need some quiet time with you. Um, can you come sit on the couch with me for five minutes? And so I know exactly what he needs and I know how to perform and provide that for him. And I feel like we had that conversation a lot because whenever he’s coming home, I’m feeling really productive. And so I’m doing dishes and I’m getting dinner ready and I’m going though and going. And so he, whenever he says, Hey, will you come sit down with me? And I’m thinking, how long? I don’t want to, I’m being so productive. And so having that conversation, I know exactly what he needs and how to provide that. And so it doesn’t have to be complicated. Just communicate, hey, I need this from you.
You know, something I think is really helpful. I remember I was washing the dishes and I took about three. We cook a lot, we just took a lot more. And it would take about 30 minutes at the end of my night. And I put headphones in and I would listen to a podcast or a sermon or something or an audible book and I would just go for it. And I remember we sat down and with my wife and I said, Hun, how can we don’t really say thanks a lot for the dishes? And you know, she’s like, well you’re gone a lot of times in the morning when I get up and you know, I don’t think about it. And I said, well, on a scale of one to 10 10 being the maximum effect it has on you and the blessing, one may not, it’s not really that big of a deal.
Where does that fall? She says this is about a five. I it, it’s about a five. Where are you kidding me? I ended every night washing dishes, cleaning the kitchen for 30 minutes and it’s a five. I can do way better things. I say, well it’s like an eight or a nine. She’s like, you reading to the kids? I was like, done. So it’s really important. Not just to think, you know, cause I thought I knew, I thought me, I love it. People wash the dishes, make my life better so she could wake up and just kind of flow into her day with the kids and homeschooling. But that wasn’t the thing. It was that I would read to the kids and be diligent and more diligent about that. So it’s really important to not get offended if they don’t know your love language, to not be overconfident that you know there’s but be really clear like Heather said and the communication and identify because you want to be efficient with your investment.
You want to make sure you’re investing in a way that this seed is going to mature, materialize into something that you want to be a part of and that’s an awesome marriage. So guys, we thank you for coming. I think we all have our one o’clock is probably in the lobby call their own probably watching right now so we can just transition you guys to be part of the assignment. Had to watch our podcast live feed before they come into session. We just want to say thank you for coming. We love to serve you loved to each Tuesday at 1230 ish. We’re going to have a different person share from the team next week. Ben is going to share, are you going to share it anger again or is it going to be something else? We’ll see. All right. I see. Oh, he’s got it. He’s got a lot of things.
Anger that how not to get angry, but we’ll see what he’s going to share on uh, next week. But between now and then, just pray about what God’s got you doing in your life, how to love those people around you. Ask some diligent questions. Go to a five love languages.com and it should have something there about taking this quiz. It’s really short. You can bind the book. It’s a great read. It’s not a hard read it all and it’s fine. And if you need help with somebody partnering with you in this season of your life because of what’s going on in your circumstances, people, maybe you’ve got something going on with depression, anxiety, we’re going to love to serve you. You can reach out to one of us, that New Vision counseling.org and it’s up there in the link. If you just want to click on that or go to it, we’d love to serve you. God bless, and we look forward to seeing you again next week.