Hi everyone. Sean McGuire with a New Vision counseling and maybe got our Edmond Christian Counseling team here today. We’re just missing one so far and just go ahead and tell us where you’re from so that we can know and celebrate wherever you’re from today. We’ve got something exciting. Our very own Heather Daughtery is going to share with you. He’s an amazing tips and suggestions about how to communicate and ask for what you need. You know, a lot of times in life we may be at the doctor’s office and it’s awkward and we have a question but we don’t ask because we’re, we’re afraid we might sound dumb or maybe in a situation with friends and we don’t ask or we don’t comment and say, well I really don’t like Mexican food because I’m highly allergic and die from pizza, from eating beans one time. But we don’t say it because we’re nervous so we just don’t eat.
So she is going to really lead us through some really clear, amazing steps on how to ask for what we need. And we’ve got our very own Ben. He’s come on board full time and we’re so excited to have him. He loves God. He’s specializes in anger. So if you have an explosive temper or know somebody that does, Ben is the man, he’s works with marriages, families, and really every one of these therapists are gifted and anointed by God in a very specific way to help folks out. So I’m excited to hear what they have to say. So Heather, go ahead.
Hi. Okay. So, um, just want to just talk about communication and uh, that’s the number one reason that people in marriage come in for counseling is for Edmond Christian Counseling communication needs. And so wanted to talk a little bit about that and how to communicate. And it sounds easy but it’s not. Um, cause we’re always communicating or communicating with, uh, the way that our body is positioned, the way that it works, our tone is our volume, our eyes and even through not speaking or communicating. And so, um, through all of that communication, trying to get out what we actually are meeting, um, is very important. And so, um, kind of that first step is knowing ourselves, knowing, uh, what I need and, uh, knowing what you need and, um, knowing that we have to have that insight before we can even expect somebody else to know it and meet those needs.
So kind of getting to know ourselves is a big thing. I wondering which cabs over here trying to communicate. He’s making dirty looks at me. I’m not sure if anybody can see that, but he’s at the side. So it was, so what I hear you saying is a lot of times it’s getting to know ourselves first and getting to know the kind of, the definition of like for me it’d be you, Sean is, is a great first step to knowing how to communicate that to others.
Absolutely. Um, yeah. And, and that takes a lot of patients and uh, and work to have that insight and to figure that out. And even if it’s something as, as, as simple as communicating, you need a hug, you know, and being able to actually verbally ask for those needs to be met. You have to first know that that’s what I needed.
Yeah. And what of you’re afraid of rejection? You know, asking for a hug could be a really big deal because what if I’m afraid that you might say no and I might look silly in front of my peers? Caleb, can I have a hug? It’s so scary to be vulnerable. So the first tip is knowing that even if he says no to my heart but I’ll still be okay, even if I may not look like I’m the smartest guy in the room, that it’s still okay to ask a question.
That’s good. Yeah. Yeah. And, and are we still there? Yup. Okay. Um, so through making yourself vulnerable, you’re actually, you are the smartest person in the room through that you’re the one gaining the most, you know, you can either gain that hug or you gain that insight that, um, that maybe that’s not the person that you need the hug from. Um, so you’re getting a lot of insight in your building, your self esteem and just gaining so much.
So communication, you take risks, you kind of look for areas to step out. Reach is getting to know yourself, getting to know others and maybe not living as much by what they expect or want from you as much as it is trusting and who you are and leading out with that identity.
What are the questions I might have for you is how do I get to know more about myself? Maybe that other people struggle with that. I know that clients come in and they may ask, how do I know myself well enough to communicate with others? That is a great question. I’m jumping in.
Dan’s profound, he’s our professor over here.
Um, I don’t know. I was about to jump in, but yeah, it’s that communication. Can I ask me, ask that again as part of the question. Well, how do I get to know myself better that I can communicate better with my spouse? She was saying, really understands what you need and what’s important to you. Um, a lot of people expressing, we kind of know what we need, but we don’t, we don’t communicate that and put that out there. And so sometimes we just assume a, I see this a lot in couples. We just assume the other person should know what we need. Let me get frustrated when they don’t meet that need. And I see that a lot. So not being afraid just to ask, you know, hey, I need this. Or Hey, can you help me? Can you help me with the kids tonight? Can you, um, you know, come talk with me for just a minute. So actually being able to ask that and put that out there and just not assuming that someone should just know. Yeah. And sometimes I find for myself that the most vulnerable place to be is within my own intimate relationship with my spouse. And some of the questions that I have to ask my spouse can be very, very difficult to, to come terms with, hey, I need this from you. Um, maybe that feels too vulnerable, but really it’s a strength. Is that right?
So what do you think Katie?
Well, I was also thinking that it’s, it’s really important for us to know how to communicate those needs. And so the words that we use can be really important too. And so making sure that we’re, we’re using words that are gentle and kind and not demanding. And those, um, making sure we’re using things like I feel this way, not an accusation you feel a certain way. And so that can be a really good way to certain things as well. And one of those ways of practicing it’s practicing is role-playing. Um, you know, if you, you can roleplay something silly, uh, until you get comfortable to ask for those true need that, that make you feel vulnerable. Um, and asking for a cup of water and role-playing with your spouse or your kids. Um, you know, or coming into in role-playing with your therapist and until you feel comfortable asking for those deeper needs.
So I liked it. I like Katy, you brought up something that I think is really foundational is that when we’re communicating with someone, we want to make sure that we approached them in a way that we don’t trigger their defenses. So if I can match you hot, if I come back to you with some sharp words asking why I need this, you know, how could you not think that I was working all day and I didn’t want a cup of coffee or I didn’t want ice tea when I come in the door? Why is it dinner on the table? That’s probably not the best way to to come home and ask for dinner after a long day’s work. Right? There’s a lot of different ways we can approach people that will endear them and invite them into relationship and to really partnering with us maybe to meet a need instead of pushing them away.
And I think Heather, you did a really good job of explaining to about body language. So if I’m like this and I’m all tensed up, then I’ll probably gonna trigger something inside of you guys and we can see Kayla pulling back because I am really intimidating. If you’ve seen me in person, I’m colossal. I get accused a lot of being a professional body. But how do you have time to counsel with working out? That’s a joke. That’s a joke, kind of kind of a joke. And so I think we’ve learned a lot about communication today. One is just to know yourself and to be real to, you know, I’ve heard it said a lot these days. Rita was better than right. Let them know the real you. There was a lady called Bernay Brown and she does a lot of research into vulnerability and shame. And I think it’s really good because those of us that are in the arena, those of us that are living life and engaged and we have a voice that should be heard. Not to tear your voice down, not to rip somebody else apart, but to be heard so that I can be known. And then by letting you know me, there’s a space there for me to get to know you too. Right? Hey, last parting sage words from the team at New Vision. Well, there is one thing that comes up. Um, sometimes I notice that I’m most offensive, uh, when I start taking my request personally.
So if something comes up difficult for me, I don’t want to look inward and think about myself. Why am I defensive? What am I taking personally that they meant just for the good of the relationship? So that’s something that I’ve been working on, really paying attention of being offensive and defensive and justifying everything that I’m doing. So that’s very good. Yeah.
You know, or you become, when you become offended, guess what happens to all helpful? Communication. Implodes. Yeah. It Edmond Christian Counseling functionally stops. Because when you, when I offend you, you go on the defense and your dukes come up. So if his dukes or up I, I’m not going to hug somebody that looks like that. That’s a, that’s a, that’s a scary posture. Look at this guy. So I think that’s really good that even when we’re communicating are being communicated with and we keep a posture of openness and vulnerability. Amen. Hey guys, if you want to follow us, you can go to Sean mcguire.net or New Vision counseling. And if you would like to partner with one of our therapists, here are some that are not. You can go to New Vision counseling.org and one of us would love to walk with you through some of life’s most challenging difficult situations.
We have relationship experts, we have experts with that work with kids. We have, we brought on our resident, uh, explosive anger expert, somebody that deals with a lot of different issues related to impulse control. Uh, Ben is an expert in these areas and you know, I know Katie and Heather are great with kids and, uh, Caleb does a lot of work with elephants, so it’s whatever you guys need that we want to be here to serve you as part of the extension of your local church and extension of the body of Christ. And we bless you and we look forward to talking to you again soon. Hey, we’ll be here every Wednesday at Tuesday at 1230. I’ll be here Wednesdays, but not with everybody else. That would be kind of weird, right? God bless and talk to you soon.