All right. Welcome everybody to our Facebook live today. This is New Vision counseling. You may notice Sean McGuire is not here today. He’s out somewhere probably wrestling alligators, um, risking his, losing his life deep in the wilderness and the jungle somewhere, risking his life with mosquitoes. So, um, yeah, we’ll see what he’s doing. Probably gives an update next week. Oh, we promise. We know you’ve got a game at one o’clock World Cup game. We’ll be done by then for sure. So I know that’d be the next thing you’ll be watching. But welcome today. Today we have, uh, Kayla McCain looks like Mckean, but it’s McCain and he will be presenting on three ways to keep cool in those heated conversations. All right, so without further ado, take it away. All right, so guys, if you’re, um, if you’re looking for counseling, this is just an educational tool and we just want to encourage you to take the time to watch these videos, pass him on chairman with other friends, family members.

But, uh, if you’re looking for counseling as well, you can reach out to, um, New Vision,, and if you will, got to leave us a comment and tell us where you’re from and we’ll do our best to read that and we would like to hear where you’re from and any questions, any thoughts yet? All right, great. So we want to posture ourselves in ways to keep cool and heated conversations. I have three tools today. Three that is three ways to keep cool and Ben will help us display those interactions of what it looks like to keep those postures. So, um, oftentimes I get in heated conversations with my wife, uh, so that, that never happens in marriage, right? Oh, what’s wrong with you guys? I don’t know. We’re working through that still 10 years later and were written. No, we’re doing great. She’s a lovely, lovely woman.

But one thing we do find is that there are some things that we need to do that helps us change the climate, keep coolness conversations. Um, so sometimes we’ll have a heated conversation and one of the first things that we can do is really be aware of expectations that come into the conversation. Okay. This is the posture that I like to call a taking a time out and drinking a glass of tea. Take the load off. Really? Yeah. So the load is the load here when we’re talking about expectations is, um, sitting back and examining the expectation. Is this realistic? Now I’d like to tell people when we talk about expectations, expectations are actually really, really healthy. I like to have an expectation that if I buy a pair of shoes that they’re going to last more than two days. Now I don’t have an expectation that if I buy a pair of shoes and they’re running shoes that they’re going to last for 10 years, it might be about three or four months, depending on how much I run, maybe a little longer.

But if I’m an avid runner, they’re not going to last me 10 years. Um, my feet will start hurting after that or they’re going to wear out. So there is an expectation, but I also really listic expectation that uh, it’s not going to go too long. So applying this a little bit more to how we interact with our relationships, I have an expectation that my wife is going to be loving, but she’s going to be faithful, that she’s going to be connective. And that’s the premise that we really operate off of in our relationships. So we’ll have conversations about that if we ever feel threatened in these areas. That might be where the heated conversation really arises. So we’ll sit back and look at the expectation. Is this really me being threatened? So that’s that. Take a load off, take a load off and sit back with that ice tea if you’re, if you’re from the south, um, sweet tea and ice tea in the summer on the porch, that can be an image for you of what it means to take a load off and kind of cool off during those hot conversation.

Yeah. You imagine sitting on the porch and, and just in a relaxed posture is a lot where you’re talking about just kinda taking a load off. And it just imagine maybe in a rocking chair or something, and we were talking about this before, sometimes that posture, I’m sitting on a porch, you’re not, you’re not just directly across from somebody. You’re, you’re sitting alongside somebody and that can really take that heat off the conversation and you’re talking about, you’re talking about your expectations, you know, stopping to talk about those expectations is so important, like you said. Um, or else you get to what we see a lot. And sometimes couples will say, we didn’t even know what we were fighting about in the first place. And so if you’re not talking about that and talking about the, hey, this is what, this is what I’m looking for, this is, this is why we need to talk about this. Um, you’re right. You know, you’re gonna end up going all over the place and never dealing with or talking about what you want to do in the first place.

Hmm. I’ll say, here’s some times with those conversations that, um, I’ve had people come in and say, well, they should just know to do this. It’s like almost saying they should just read my mind. This is just how people should interact with one another. Different dynamics don’t always lend to that expectation, and so we need to have that conversation about expectations. Um, oftentimes people don’t have those conversations. So if you’re really struggling and conversations about somebody not giving what you need, maybe ask directly, can you give me this? Can you look at me in the eye? Can you help me understand where you’re coming from? I would like this. And a relationship. That is one way to really sit back and identified the expectation without blaming the other person for not meeting your needs

on the side or maybe on their side of the coin is even understanding expectations, right? Because sometimes we’ve got to face it. My expectation is I want you to listen to what I’m saying and change what you’re doing. And if we can actually think and understand what that is, then we kind of clarify that. And understanding is that, is that really what I want? Is that, but I told a couple sometimes if really, if really it’s not a question, it’s like you want them to know what you’re saying and understand and then you need to tell them that not fish around it or go that way. That’s really the expectation. You need to think about that. And is that something you really want or, or is that going to help you get what you want? So, um, you had to really help get that glass of Ice Tea, right? Yes. Think about it. It, it’s like everything slows down in the south. The southern United States is always everybody you talk slower, you do that, but it gives you time to think and cool down. Right? Yeah.

All right, so another tool to keep cool in those heated conversations. I like the idea of playfulness. Got His talk, talking to me a lot about being playful in my conversations, being playful with my interactions with, with my parenting style. But also in my marriage, he’s teaching me about being playful and suits. Sometimes when we get in a heated conversations, we, we focus so much on the, um, what is not right, what’s not good that we forget to enjoy the things that have been good and to play with those interactions. So maybe we have a task list. This has to be done, this has to be done, this has to be done. And if I’m not being taught to this way, or if I’m not being cared for this way, or loved or cherished this way, then things aren’t going well. Well, if that’s the case, maybe we should sit back and drink the tea with the expectations, but also find ways where we can have fun.

And so for me, this tool looks like I’m going belly down on a slip and slide. Uh, just there’s a posture going face first. It’s a cool water and that helps. Cool off. Well, what I’m really trying to say with this is let’s have fun. Let’s play, let’s be a people who, uh, look into a conversation that’s being heated and just say, this actually is exactly what my wife and how he had to do this past weekend. You know, this conversation looks different than it did 10 years ago. We’re not just fighting. We used to yell and, and well, she didn’t. I used to yell and scream and my wife was just perfect. She actually withdrew a lot. And so we stepped back and the conversation that is is heating up and we said, I told her, I’m just so thankful for their conversation looks different that it is, um, sounds different than it used to.

So we sat back, reflected with some of the fun that we’ve had and the enjoyment that we’ve had in the years that have passed. So that’s a good way to have fun. But also you, um, in reflection you can have fun but also an intentionality. Let’s do something fun right now just to change the pace of the conversation. If you find yourself in cycles of just going through the same content over and over and an argument, change something up, go do something that’s fun. Alright. Ah, it’s easy to withdraw. Yep, that’s right. It can be very, very easy withdrawal. Um, we want to encourage people to really be vulnerable with fun and enjoyment. That can be hard to do.

Yeah. And in play you really can’t withdraw, you know? Um, sometimes I’m not very good at being playful and I know I that I’m my best self when I am playful and when I’m not withdrawing and you have to be vulnerable to play. Um, you know, kids are really vulnerable when they play right in front of us. Um, and so it takes a lot of vulnerability.

Yeah. To play. Thanks Debbie for that comment. Really appreciate it. Yeah, and I like, I like that I’m reading a book right now, like called playful intelligence. In some reason we just kind of forget to play. Um, but one way to look at it is you’ve got to deal with the conflict. How are you going to do it? I mean, you can, you can, you can handle conflict in a playful way. Yes. And still and still handle it and kind of how you handled it is up to you. And so, you know, even though it’s difficult, you’ve got to go through it. You could still joke about it, you can still have fun about it knowing you’re going to have to get through it. Um, or saying that in a weird way sometimes, sometimes what I’ve done this with my wife before, I just had to stop and say, you know what, I am really aware right now my inability to change your mind and we just kind of laugh about it, you know, so why, why don’t we maybe do something different?

Yeah. You know, at this point and just bring some more playfulness and now we’re, we’re of deal with it but let’s do it in a way that it doesn’t just feel icky and do that. And so we can’t always. That’s, that’s really cool. You can bring that play, which is why they say couples that play together stay together or maybe it’s prey. I don’t remember anything. Is wasn’t a why I think, no, but couples that play together, it’s probable that pray together, stay together. Cause there’s that, there’s that connection in that and that fun. So

absolutely. Well, we’ve got one more tool that keeps us cool and those heated conversations. And that is to um, take the time for mystery and wonder. Sometimes in heated conversations we do the chest, what you were talking about Ben, you need a see my perspective and you need to hear me. The doesn’t really give the opportunity to wonder what the other person is, is thinking about. It doesn’t really give for the opportunity to see how they can contribute to the betterment of my life or to the rest of the family sometimes. So the idea here is that we can um, take time at when it’s hot in the summer and the sun goes down, it starts to cool off and it stars come out. We look up into the sky and just wonder about the mystery of the starry skies. It gives you a time just to get into a different posture. We want to do the same thing in our heated conversations. To cool off here is just take a time to sit back and wonder what life would be like. Um, when we figure something out around this or if I had a different perspective, how could that be better? Or if, um, we found a ways to play well, how could that really engage our hearts to be different in, in the heated conversation that we can move on with a playfulness with wonder and with taking a load off. Any ideas on that?

Well, just that I think about that too sometimes that, that wondering, I sometimes we don’t want her till we throw up our hands and we can’t do anything else. But that wondering, you know, soon as I have couples I, I wonder what this issue would be like if you realize you’re on the same team. Just wondering what it would be like if you guys were together on this. And so I’m kind of a lot of couples, they butt heads, right? You’re, you’re fighting and a lot of times you’re fighting for the same thing. You’re just fighting each other for it rather than, what I would say is finding a way to fight together for it. And you know, wondering if we were on the same team, if I really had my spouse’s best interest or our relationships best interest in mind, what would this look like? I wonder, I wonder what else could happen if I would allow that. I wonder what would happen if I removed my anger from this? You know, I’m a high level of frustration. Wonder what could then come into our relationship, what perspective, what could, what God could speak into our relationship

at that point. These are really good postures to look at, to change that heated conversation. Sitting back, taking a load off. That’s a change of posture. Um, to be able to

play. We’d go belly down on a slip and slide. Whew. Yup. Just like that.

Um, and then to look up and wonder about the mystery. God, what do you have for my destiny? What do you have for me right now? What do you have for our family and our relationship in the midst of this argument or this frustration or fear? When one of my friends there, um, she’s also a counselor and he’s, uh, he’s just a very, very intuitive person. About how to connect and relationship. Very Godly man. They don’t even let those words into their home fear, doubt, shame, frustration, guilt. They don’t even allow those turtle off the tips of their tongue rather than only talk about life giving words because in the power of the tongue holds a life in debt. So they speak only, you know what? I see you in this loving way. I want to see more of you in this loving way. I really enjoy you this way.

I want to encourage you to, to interact out of that place in your heart. I want to be more loving. Can you help me? So those are really good ways to change the perspective. Sometimes we come out life from the negative is that we constantly look at what’s not right and that heats up the conversation. But if we take time to look at what is good, look at the wonder, the mystery in the sky, the playfulness, whether it’s playing in the water or the um, or the opportunity just to sit back and relax and look at all the hard work we’ve been through and change our expectations there. This is a way that we can really use these tools to integrate a healthy communication inter relationships. Yeah. All right guys, we want to thank you so much and you want to add anything before we close?

Well, I just wanted to say, be sure to follow us. Um, our Instagram is New Vision Counseling Okc and which is the same as our Facebook when you’re on right now. And um, you know, if you are needing additional counseling services, um, you can visit us at our website, which is New Vision or you can give us a call at four zero five, nine two one seven seven seven six and we’d be happy to serve you that way. She is that phone number memorized, so, so. All right, well thank you guys.

God bless. Day.