Hey everyone, Sean McGuire here with this suburb, Bna and Katia. Hey, guess what? Let’s know where you’re from, your millions of people that are watching today because today Ben, our very own Edmond Christian Counseling is going to talk about adulting, what our relationship needs most. And I think my wife will probably watch this. And depending on what you say, she would probably make me watch it again if I do something contrary to what’s right sense. Right. There’s a really good chance you guys are going to hear it from your wives. So as we do, thank you for watching. And if you haven’t checked out our Instagram page, we’d love you to go there. It’s new counseling Okc because we love as a community of counselors to serve you. And it really helped people break free from limiting beliefs and patterns and pains of the past that are keeping them prisoners and their present. And Dan’s going to show you today about how to adult and deal with relationships in amazing crib always cause look, he is the relationship expert. Yes,

yes. Um, my wife might disagree with that. Um, so it’s funny I was talking about my Edmond Christian Counseling wife. I was telling her, you know, she’s like, isn’t it Valentine’s week or you’re not talking about romance.

Oh, that’s right. Forget how can [inaudible] talking about adulting shit. That’s not a romantic like people, but I said it is right. Um, and sounds romantic. Right? Adulting. Old to get a donor.

Boo Man said adults also don’t put all the romance on one day a year. Right? Got Away. Let’s do that. Tricky. So I told her this. She says that something very romantic. Um, what’s that? So that, that’s fine. But this is more important than romance. Bring your adult self. Bringing a mature cell to your relationship is the most important thing you can do. And it actually is what leads to more romance. More intimacy. Intimacy is more what we’re after the romance that that’s nice when it’s there, right when it, when it’s happening, but it’s not the end all be all. Like our culture likes to make it now. The word we’re talking about is adulting. You may have seen this as a part of the Hashtag Hashtag adulting this is basically when you have to perform the tasks that would be expected of a fully responsible adult.

Right? So you see this a lot with millennials too. Like, oh, I got to pay the bills. Hashtag adulting right. All right, got to go to work on time Hashtag adulting we used to just call it growing up being responsible. Oh we got, but we call it adulting now. Interesting. It’s extremely important in our relationship needs that a lot because we’ve all done this for a lot of times. We bring our child to the relationship and we act childish. We do things and childish ways. You might not realize it, but we do a lot more than than we like. So now we’ll tell you a little story about romance. Um, I got, uh, he got a prop here for you guys. Um, I thought somebody put this in my coming here because always out, you know, this isn’t my office and I, and I might point to this and say, you know, this, his office, this is, this is my plan.

This is a plan. And if I look at this plant and say I love this plant, right? And then I put it on the shelf and I don’t water it, I don’t fertilize it, I don’t talk to it. I don’t put it in the sun like it needs and then I get mad at it because it’s not romantic enough, right? It’s not giving me, it’s not bringing all that. And so a lot of times I’m going to have Sean grab and Admin or bad about this. I Want Romance, I want all this stuff, but I’m not doing anything to fertilize or to water or bring that about. And so if you don’t do that, you’ve either, um, the plant’s going to die, it’s going to die or whatever your cactus there. Um, how dare you use my cactus in this analogy or you got to hope you married a cactus who just needs a little bit of water once a year, right?

Oh, David. So, so anyways, um, we got a water. This romance is not something that happens in one week is something that happens, is they process and trying to happens over time. So, uh, in Pryor and cactuses, even your water, they’re pretty prickly, right? You can’t, you can’t touch it. There’s just a lot of metaphor. There’s a lot of analogy there. It would have cactuses in Hawaii. I Bet David. Oh, I’ll put my, uh, put my plants up. So, um, hey, to get the romance, to get the love, we want a relationship. We do the hard work of day in and day out being an adult, right? And not, not doing the childish things right there. There’s, Paul says, you know, Paul says in First Corinthians 13, now, um, however, and down, but when I was a child, I thought like a child, like her reason, like a child, um, put away childish things, childish things.

When I became a man, you know, I put the ways of childhood behind me and that’s really what this is about. But that’s not manhood today, isn’t it? Isn’t it? Like video games, social media watching movies, right? Ryan and Andrew or wives are here to take care of us. Right? You get upset for hours a day. No real man. Don’t live that way. I know David doesn’t. That’s right. So let’s not, let’s talk about adulting. Hey, right and, and I’ve got three steps. I got three steps, four steps and they’re not easy steps. But it is hard. I think. Well I’ll say that there’s just this tendency in us, just want to go back to our childhood selves and this is a big topic, but live, let me Kinda hit this. The first thing we got to do is take back control from the child, right?

It’s good. And I think about this. Kayla, you didn’t let your child drive you to work today? No. Why not? Cause they would wreck the car, right? When you’re emotional, when you’re doing that and you try to react and respond out of that, it’s like letting the child drive the car. I’m not controlling myself. I’m going to try to drive anyways. Right? Um, and then you guys know this. I do this multiple times a week. I’m going to, I fall back into this cause it’s hard now. Here’s why. It’s hard. These patterns, you’ve developed a to cope, to deal with things, stress at whatever. Debra, when you were a child, they were hardwired in there and their pattern. I tell people, your patterns are not your fault, right? You use them to cope, to kind of deal with things. Interesting. That’s fine. Not your fault.

The problem is when we get adults, we still try to use the challenge patterns. We still try to use the child just ways and that’s what we’re trying to get out of. Right? See that I’m not acting in an adult in my best interest, in the best interest for my relationship, and I can choose a new pattern. Patterns weren’t her fault, but it becomes our responsibility as adults to treat each other. Did you come up with that? That’s good. That good? Yeah. I’ve heard that. I’ve heard that in different ways with my clients. I’m not here to feet you. You’re not here to fit your partner. You’re here did feet the patterns that are keeping you fat, adding the load. That’s the right focus. That’s the thing. And so a good marriage stampers can you guys tell you this? Old Patterns die hard, right? When you try to do something different, the old pattern says, oh yeah, I’ll show you.

I’ll show you that I was a good pattern. Right? And I’m gonna let you go by that easy. That’s why it’s hard. That’s why when you get into counseling and you go home, sometimes things get more difficult because you’ve challenged a pattern that wants to hang on and wants to get its needs met just in a childish way right now. Not The way we want to go. So they die hard. But we got to take back control just by understanding there’s even a child trying to control. Yeah, take their hands off the steering wheel, put him in the passenger seat and go from there. Um, second, we have to require the adult to show up before going any further, right? Ooh, not strike when the iron is hot. Right? If you ever known this term with, with metal, you say strike when the iron is hot and you can mold it for metal.

Yeah. But also reinforces it makes it stronger. So if you’re striking when it’s hot, you’re just making everything harder and more difficult, right? If you left the iron on the alarm, if you let the iron cooled down, um, I always tell people, strike when the iron is cold. That’s a better time. Things have cooled down and you can actually be in your adult. You have to require though the adult to show up before moving forward. Here’s a myth. I should be able to deal with the difficult things in my relationship while I’m emotional wall, I’m hot while I’m going. That is a lie, right? Maturity is saying I can’t handle this in the state that I’m in. And so I’ve got to get in a state where I can handle this, where I can be respectful before I go on. That’s adulting, right? That’s the Hashtag adulting.

Um, there were talking about, and then so we just require that. And here’s kind of the season, what you’re saying, you’re saying to your partner, I love you so much that I am unwilling to talk to you in the state that I’m in because you will not get my best. Right. Or I love you so much. I’m going to bring my best, but it’s this, I love you. Some not, and I’m not going to, I don’t see my wife puts you up to this. That’s right. I think 10 is behind us. Yeah, that’s right. And then, um, what kind of pushed this such, this is such a hard step. He thinks we’re just programmed. Just try to jump into it exactly the way I naturally do that. Just wait. Just wait to come and, and then you can bring your best, right. And then you can do number three, which is speak only out of love, right?

Speak only out of love. So my goal is I’m always going to try to speak up to my partner, speak up to my partner in love. That’s very biblical and humility. Consider what, consider the other Edmond Christian Counseling person more important than you. Right? You’re speaking up to them, not down to them, but speak only out of La. Right? So we have in, uh, in John kind near the end of Jesus’ life, he tells his disciples, people will know who you are by your love. If you love one another here, if you want people to know that Christ is at the middle, the center of your relationship, they’re going to see it by your love. And the love is by the way that you treat each other, right? So speak only out of love. I heard this acronym recently, it’s called weight and the weight means, why am I talking right?

If we would just stop, I use it on my kids. What’s right and if any one yesterday cause, cause sometimes, sometimes the Edmond Christian Counseling problem is somebody is not talking, they’re just withdrawing. Yes. So wait, wait, wait. Why am I not talking Wayne, Todd and that’s Oklahoma. We ain’t talking to, well why, why going to do that? Right. So um, wait or wait either we’re now I am I talking right? Sometimes I’ll be talking to my wife and I’ll be like, why am I talking? I think just because I wanted her pity. I want you to feel really bad for me because you feel really bad for me. Then it feels like blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Right. Well, that’s not fun. That’s not very low. It doesn’t help. The more you go over that, unless you get it. I know. I know. So, so we go from there.

So speaking up, you’re speaking only out of love. Is this loving? Is this going to build up the relationship? Right? That’s biblical too. So is only what is helpful for building up [inaudible]. Yeah. So it’s, it’s huge, right? The Christian life is always marked okay by a difference in how you treat other people, right? Always happens that way. It’s the same. It’s the same in our marriage. So this is the way to really get that intimacy. That’s this gonna matter, right? So you’re not just trying to make up for it. And one day of the year, adults get intimacy. Children get the bachelor. Right? Right. They get that show where it’s just all about all these romantic gestures trying to be great. And you think that’s what love is. No, right. Love is intimacies. What we’re going for. Not Brief moments of romance or passion, right?

Because those are nice, but right. It’s great when they’re there. Right. Um, so again, you know, when I was a child, I talked like a child, right? When, uh, I thought like a child or a reasoned like a child and when I became a man, but the childish ways behind me and we’re really looking at putting that trial behind us so I can bring that adult self to that relationship, that amazing adult self. And that’s where you start to grow, right? That’s where you start to bring into your relationship the things that, that matter. That’s when you ask for what would make it a better, more romantic relationship. It would be ask or what would make it more fulfilling and more loving and that’s what we’re, that’s what we’re trying to do. So

man, I don’t know what brought up David Kay Smith. Every time Ben speaks, he doesn’t talk a lot. But when he does, he says super wise things. Right? Can he knows how to wait? He does know how to, I don’t know. I mean sometimes you know it’s had a winked. Wow guys, we are so glad that you joined us. We love Sharon. God’s truths about how wherever you’re at, he could take you to a better place. Now for a lot of you, this is enough. You love watching us on youtube or Facebook or and he visioned counseling Okc, but for the select number of you guys you’re like we would love to connect with you as a counselor. Great. We have a resource, New Vision, counseling.org we love you to go there and fill out a form that we could contact you and connect with you and see what God can do.

When you partner with one of us, we use biblical counseling and cutting edge counseling techniques to help you and your story become all that God made you to be. Now I really do appreciate you. Don’t you agree? It doesn’t have been add subsea unique value and I just did. You’re an awesome dude and I just, I feel like a lot of times my, I really do feel like either my wife or my kids got ahold of this guy. Like the day before, like, Hey, dad needs to hear this. What am I? A husband needs to hear this. He’s so good. He’s on to us. He’s onto us. And also if you guys, if you would just do us a favor, take some time and just to like us rate us on Facebook and even on our website, it really helps people to figure out that biblical counseling and, and our team really do help people change their lives. So God bless and we’ll see you again really soon. Take care.