Hi everyone. Shawn Mcguire with the New Vision Edmond Christian counseling team and blurry band over here. Hey guys, just wanted to welcome you and say Happy Valentine’s Day tomorrow. We’re really excited today because we’re going to share with you our very own Katie make do good from Ireland is don’t want to be sharing with us about boundaries. She’s got some really helpful information and I hope that you guys will tune in and listen and you go ahead and tell us where you’re from and we’d like to just to give you a shout out.
So Katie. Okay. So first I just want to tell everybody while we’re talking about, when we talk about boundaries. So there’s some natural boundaries, like a shoreline from the ocean to the sand is a natural boundary. Um, our skin is a natural boundary to the outside world. And so today we’re not talking about those physical boundaries necessarily. We’re talking about emotional boundaries and relational boundaries. And so when I think of boundaries, one of the things I immediately think about is people in church a lot of times, um, especially women at church are terrible about boundaries and they will over commit themselves and um, just get themselves into a world of hurt because they continue to commit to things over and over again. And so, um, one of the reasons that we tend to overcommit is we tend to put another, we tend to take responsibility for someone else’s things that aren’t ours.
So for example, if Ben asked me if I could do something for him today, and I knew that today was actually a really busy day for me, so I really couldn’t commit to it, but I didn’t want to hurt Ben’s feelings. And so I said, you know what? Yeah, I could probably help you with that Edmond Christian Counseling bin. Then I would be exhibiting really bad boundaries because I wouldn’t be taking care of my stuff. I’d be trying to take care of Ben stuff, but I really need my car wash. And so he does, he’s not joking. And so Ben has to take responsibility for his car. And maybe that means that he asks a couple of other people. So maybe he asks Sean and Somehow Sean has a couple of free hours today and he knows that he needs to take a long time to wash it by the way. And so I can’t be responsible for Ben’s emotions and if been chooses to damage our relationship over me not being able to commit to that. I also can’t be responsible for that. And so the best way to really, um, exhibit good boundaries is recognizing when you’re taking responsibility that isn’t yours and then responding in a way that’s appropriate and that is asserting your own boundaries. So I kind of wanted to then just give it to the team and see what other boundary ideas you guys had
What do you do in a situation where let’s say in a marriage, um, you’re a stay at home mom and your husband, you to have the house a certain way, but you’ve got all these kids running around and when he gets home he gets really frustrated because the house isn’t claimed, it’s not picked up. How do you set boundaries and that situation when, when your roles are kind of defined and you know, you’ve agreed that you’re going to stay home and raise the kids and he wants to go to work and he, but he has all these ex ex expectations of you. Hi Dorothy. What would you do in that situation?
Well, Sean, the first thing I think of is um, there’s probably something that the stay at home mom has over committed herself to. Um, and so while yes, the kids are really important, there’s probably some other activities. Maybe like the example I gave earlier with church, um, maybe that she’s over committed to that. Um, maybe some of those could be reprioritized and she could communicate with her husband about some of those priorities, but also having the conversation with her husband that she isn’t able to do some of these things and maybe they need to reevaluate some of the responsibility.
So one is evaluate her own life, then identify if there’s elements that she’s over committed to, which is good. And probably all of us as Americans, likely I’ve over committed because we want to get an drive. We don’t want to have to choose. We want, we don’t want this or that. We want both just watch commercials, right? It tells you. The other one is to just have a conversation that’s honest and, and move into that area and just say, hey, this seems overwhelming because I’ve got these four kids and they have needs. And then they probably were lead to a conversation about values. What do we value most? We value a perfectly clean house. Do we value me investing in the kids and playing? What’s the biggest value here?
And Shawn, I love that you’re talking about this because, uh, in this situation I would say, you know, take a look at the different circles. Put Yourself, you know, in the middle it just like in an airplane, you’ve got to take care of yourself before you can take care of other people. Okay? And so you’re in the middle. And then who is next important. And usually that would be family, your spouse, your children. If you have, if you’re taking care of your parents, they’re going to be in that next circle. And then who’s in the next circle? Maybe your work, maybe your church friends. Um, and then I’ll, you know, move out again. And that’s who’s further out maybe a queens is people that you don’t really consider friends. Um, and so if you go that way, who needs to be taken care of first? You and then your family. And so whenever you’re committing, do you have time to commit to those people on the outside circle or do you need to spend more time in the middle?
So I think identifying your, what you need right first. Just like in the airplane when the oxygen mask drops down and if you get yourself healthy, if you’re in a good place, then you’re better able to make those decisions from a place of health rather than their place of sickness or filling and dead. So what about people pleasers? How does boundaries affect people pleasers? What does that, cause there’s probably one or two people pleasers out there, right? Probably, you know, people are too busy. I totally agree. Priorities or key. But what about people that like to just, they live to please others?
How do you have a that I know that’s a big point of contention for me is I want to make sure everybody’s doing just fine. Everybody’s happy and everybody’s set. But then you said something about responsibilities, maybe taking somebody else’s responsibilities. Oftentimes I call them false responsibilities when I try to pick up somebody else’s things and then feel bad when, when things don’t go their way. So that’s a good sign of, uh, you’re, you’re probably holding something that’s not supposed to be for you. It’s not meant for you. So, uh, feelings are a good way to gauge what’s your, what’s your, uh, embarking on a, it’s not really bad or good, but they just tell you what you’re doing. So being aware that you’re carrying other people’s weights and letting those go and letting them be responsible for that, even if the pressuring you emotionally.
So feelings actually can be a good indicator indicator. Yup. And where you’re at and what you should and should not do, but they should not be the one that determines at the end of the day your actions. They should just be an indicator, like a light on the dashboard. It doesn’t mean you’ve got to get your oil changed right now, but it just means that something is awry and something needs to be checked into.
That’s absolutely right. And, and jump in here too. I think one thing I look right with the boundaries is Blurry Bay and here it is and he’s talking about it. Oh, you know, you want to be responsible to or relationship but not responsible for their relationship. And that word makes a big difference. So if I’m being responsible to my spouse to love them, to provide those things, what am I trying to take responsibility for their feelings. I see that constantly with couples that I meet with is one person feels like they have to manage the other person’s emotions when they get home. It’s my job to make sure that that’s good. Everything’s good. When when the spouse comes home and there’s nothing and it just ends up beating that person, they end up just getting resentful because they’re taking responsibility for someone else’s emotions or feelings rather than having responsibility to then to support them, to love them through it. So a lot of times just changing that word from four to two with responsibility, it makes it, it makes a huge difference. I think another thing with expectations and boundaries is important. You know tomorrow’s Valentine’s Day, right? Yeah. And sometimes we put a lot of expectation on a day and then when that expectation is not met, were filled, crushed, how often are we overstepping our own boundaries by putting ourselves out there and allowing ourselves to be crushed by our own expectations that maybe can’t be met. That’s good.
No, Tammy. I think a lot of us do that a lot. We, we seek to please others and we seek to gain our value from them. You know, one thing I would do on Valentine’s day before I got married and if I didn’t have a girlfriend, I would buy my own stuff. I would always get my favorite dessert. I’d go to my favorite restaurant with some of my buddies and we would just tell about ourselves and we would take that initiative to be proactive in our, in our emotional health. Um, and I got so much, I get so much grief from it still to this day. I celebrated my birthday for a month, by the way, before I got married because I think we’ve got to find ways to take ownership of our emotional health. And part of that is discerning. We’re from Oklahoma City by the way.
Part of that is discerning where we’re at because if I know, like right now I’m an Oklahoma City with my team, then I have a starting point to determine where I want to go. If I want to go to Chicago, then it’s this way. If I want to go to California, it’s that way because if I know where I am at, then that’s a great, great place to be because then I can start defining who I am. And that lets me kind of like with Ben, if he started to pressure me to watch his law, she’s Lamborghini, then that tells me a lot about Ben. If, if, if I’m able to see the lines clearly and I’m able to read that, then I can step back because I’m not so emotionally engaged and I can see, Okay Ben is being selfish then is trying to leverage as equity to get me to wash his car because he’s lazy and, or whatever the case may be. Because Lamborghinis are big and they’re hard and you know, you don’t want to scratch it. So I think, I think really having a defined sense of self taking care of yourself is it, is it a big way? Do you guys have any questions? Because we can talk about boundaries. You get, you get five counselors together. We can talk about anything really for a long time. You know what I mean? Becky Weber,
thank you for that. Yeah, they, that really changed in my marriage. Um, I stunk at holidays. Like we come out to like Valentine’s Day and I’d just be petrified. Like, what am I going to do? You know, I knew I had to like do something great and make my wife so happy and just really do this. And I would just fail. Like how are we getting the, I was just lock up and be like, I, I can’t and I wouldn’t do anything, you know? And it really was hard. So what we decided was for my wife, she just says, this is exactly what I want. This is what I would like to see. Like a car. And I’d like flowers. Whatever else you do is totally bonus, but this is exactly what I want. So we stopped having these and communicating. There’s, there’s weird thing that you think like this day has to just be amazing and huge and giant and we never talk about, hey, what are, what are the expectations?
That’s really good. Well, you know, unmet expectations or unspoken expectations always lead to disappointment. And so what I hear you saying is in your marriage, one of the things that you found to be helpful is having those expectations clearly delineated. And did your wife, is she, cause a lot of women, you know, are, are men. I feel like if I’ve got to tell you, boy does, it’s not as big a deal if I don’t care if I have to tell you and it doesn’t count. I, you know, I had a lady said, well the only reason you’re, you said I love you and bought me flowers. It was because Sean told you to. Well of course I told him to. I wouldn’t even be a great husband. So, so how do you speak to that? How does your wife not feel like it subtracted from the love because she had to tell you what to do.
No, I just really think it gives her a chance to express what’s important to her and what she wants. I mean I think that’s what it’s about. And just taking ownership of that. The cool thing is it frees me up to what I needed to do, but then I feel pretty cool cause whenever I do above that is just kind of a bonus. And so it allows me to, to be free to do those sort of things rather than just kind of being captive to, I gotta do this, right? You got to do that, right? You got to do this. And so, um, and for her, I’ve noticed she’s likes that she’s not thinking all day, oh no, what’s, what’s he going to do or not do or what do I need to expect? This is what it is. And so that’s been just a really, really awesome thing for us. And she has a husband that’s not during the holiday, just paralyzed by fear, paralyzed back to here and just have this terrible times. Now I actually get to enjoy them because we identified what we want and I’m, I’m able to do the same thing. So conversation can also be forethought. Just remember if somebody is asking you for what you want, that’s fourth that they’re thinking about, you
be romantic in and of itself, right? Exactly. Because you’re taking a proactive approach and you are honoring the value of what they really want. You’re getting to know the real them. And so there’s an honor there.
Tennis, we put up our boundaries and we just make them solid. But when we allow people to have that forethought and have conversation with us and then we’re allowing it to be semipermeable rather than just destroyed or a solid wall. So yeah.
Yeah. And these conversations are a win win for both parties. Oh, one person is saying I want this. And so they actually get what they want and the other person gets to succeed and gets to be the hero because they provided it, provided exactly what you wanted. And so it’s a win win for both parties. There’s um, like you were saying, there’s, there doesn’t have to be that. Why didn’t you read my mind? Right. Situation,
which I’m sure none of you Edmond Christian Counseling ladies are guys out there if ever heard that expression. You know, one thing is, um, I know for me when it comes to holidays and certain events, I like to just go all out and I want it to be the best ever I want to be. Like on the news. I don’t want people to take videos of it cause I want to, I mean, I really, really, I don’t want my head, I want to know where Ben’s camera’s out. He’s not taking it because I want the people that I’ve been, I’m doing life with to know that they’re special, to know that they matter. And so I felt a lot of the same pressure expectations and my wife and a lot of ways, she says, she says, Sean, I’m easy. Like you, when you taste food, you taste all the different nuances.
This has a little bit of sage, this is tumeric. She’s like, I just taste. It’s good or it’s bad. And so I was bringing my expectations of how I wanted to be treated, which is pretty astronomical to the table. And then she was just kind of a leg bag on a chill person. And so read through conversation and years of being married have been able to do this dance where we’re, it’s a lot more fluid, a lot less tripping, a lot less people are getting offended because we’re asking more of what we need. And I think that’s a good takeaway from today is think about in relationships. Part of that your responsibility is to teach people what you need. You know, I don’t even in our community groups, you know, we have a community group. You may call it a life group. You may call a fun group, whatever, whatever names that you give him.
I would say that, um, it’s a place where we teach people how to treat us. If I want a group of people that are really selfish that I need to provide snacks every time I need to do all the lessons I need to do all the teaching. But if I want a group of people that I can do life together, then part of me setting boundaries isn’t a bad or confrontational. It Take Ben, you know, there’s volunteers and volume tolls. I can say, which one are you guys wants to bring a snack? See, none of them raised their hands. So what I do is I say, Caleb, can you bring us, can you bring some snacks? Uh, and if I’m really being clear, I’ll say, hey, would you mind bringing apples? And strawberries and maybe a little bit of dark chocolate. Um, so and so, you know, you’ve got to tell so and so really likes that, but it’s really helping people have the opportunity to value you as you have learned and identified that how much God is valued you then you can kind of teach other people to value like a two. Nerca Kirby. Hi Kay. Hi Nerca communication is key. What do you guys think?
I think it’s very important. Um, just being able to clarify what we need with people and creating semipermeable boundaries. I don’t think they need to be brick walls at times. Uh, but setting boundaries. Cause sometimes it feels like the hardest thing to do. Where am I? They need to be a brick wall. I was there a time that it should be a brick wall. I think there’s times for brick walls, especially when you’ve tried to set a boundary before and it’s been disrespected over and over or you feel devalued by somebody. I would first ask, why do I feel devalued? Does it because there’s something in me or is it something in them? And if you find that it’s the relationship, it may be important, but you put a brick wall up. Um, what do you think?
I agree. I think that, or I think anytime somebody you stairs, you know, most times you can stair step to setting boundaries, progressive that you start soft. You start with just a suggesting, you start with a hand, you start with an action. But as a, if they continue to disrespect or jump over your boundaries, well then the wall to go higher and higher. And as they get thicker and thicker, that’s right there. You know, there were seasons of my life where there were people that they were so toxic than if I saw them. I would literally go on either side of the street, not because I’m not a Christian or because I’m bitter, but because they taught me that any interaction is going to cost, it’s toxic and they’re going to just view them. So Rashawn had a question. Um, Harry, Shaun Copeland, he had a new baby. We’re excited for him. Oh, he’s having a new baby. So his question was, oops, why, why do we fear saying no? And I think you also said, um, what did you keep putting people’s needs in front of yourself in front of your knees? What do you do about that? How do you stop that?
Oh, okay. Well, I was just going to touch on the, the, uh, when you were talking about boundaries and you got your examples where whenever it’s a negative, uh, bill putting boundaries up in the wall and with Valentine’s Day coming
up tomorrow, one of those boundaries might be between the kids and your spouse. And sometimes it can be building a fortress around a positive relationship and keeping other people out of that and a separating kids from the spouse and really taking time to have that date night and having that regular date night. And sometimes that wall is to show somebody else how important they are. That’s good. And I think just piggybacking on that in response to her Sean’s question, if you don’t prioritize your marriage, then you’re going to have a real problem in the marriage. And if your kids are overshadowing your marital relationship and that is, it’s going to fall apart. And, um, I think we also asked why is it so if you’re saying, why do we fear saying no? And I think thinking about bad example again, we fear saying no because we care about our kids and all these things go through our heads like, oh no, our kids are going to think we don’t love them enough or um, or that my spouse matters more than they do or all these things that we worry about. But in reality, um, I’d never met a kid who said, um, you know, my parents went on a date and I feel like my parents don’t love me anymore. Right? So I guess sometimes if you’re saying no, because we fear damaging other people are hurting, their feelings comes back down to it, then we’re going to wound somebody beyond repair. And that’s just not true. It’s our responsibility
does taking responsibility for somebody for their feelings out. If I say no, how they’re going to feel, or if we don’t do this third sport this week, then my kid’s not going to be in the Olympics someday or whatever. Right. We take all her though he may not be in the liquid, all of these things, um, there. But yeah, it’s that responsibility for, I’m not going to say no because I’m worried about how you’re going to feel or how are you going to handle that. And then of course that takes away the chance for them to grow and deal with their own emotions as well. Sometimes growth is uncomfortable.
I want to mention one last thing that I know is really important. I think for Christians especially, sometimes boundaries feel really selfish to Christians and it almost seems contrary to what scripture teaches and what Jesus taught us. He died on the cross. But I think over and over in scripture we see that God’s set boundaries and limitations and that, um, when we don’t execute good boundaries, then we actually tend to become more selfish because we tend to be more frazzled. We can’t invest where God’s really called us to invest and it takes a lot of sacrifice to put everything on the table and say, God, this is yours and I will do whatever you want me to do. Even if it means giving up this thing that makes me feel better about myself or make my spouse feel better about themselves. Yeah. That’s good. That’s really good. Okay, look looking for any other questions there. Hey man, Nigga. So guys don’t know if you guys will have a one o’clock but
we you just want to say on behalf of New Vision counseling,
Happy Valentine’s Day. Yes, we wish you guys are. Pray that you guys have an amazing day of love, whether you’re married, dating or not, but you would find ways to interact and invest in others in loving ways. You know, every store around here sells chocolate cards, Valentines, find people, friends. Just use it as a, as an excuse, as a proactive opportunity to invest in a loving way. Kind of like Christmas. We’re all really giving and encouraging. I would say the use Valentine’s Day to show the world that God is love and just find little and big ways to do that with the people that are in your immediate family, with people that are not. Go ahead and jump in there and do that as best as you can. So I also want to say if you have found value in this, we’re going to be doing this pretty much every Tuesday, right around 12:30 PM.
It just depends on getting the camera set up and how long lunch takes. But what after that on for our meeting, we’re going to case to really, um, help you best. And so if you have any questions in advance, you think about them throughout the week, put them on the screen and you know, as we go through we’ll answer the ones that kind of fit into what we’re saying in and do our best to help you guys out. Also, if you would follow us on Facebook show mcguire.net or New Vision counseling are on Facebook. And if you want one of these guys are some of the other therapists to walk with you if you’re in a difficult season of life, they all have been trained, they loved God and they are passionate about helping you through any season that you find yourself in so that you know you’re not alone and there is a way forward and help when you have Christ. And somebody to walk with you through those seasons where, God bless. Thank you so much for tuning in and we look forward to seeing you again post Valentine’s Day. Take care. Bye.