Hi, this is Katie and Ben Thompson from New Vision Marriage Counselor Edmond and we are doing a Facebook live today on three cans that are keeping you from changing your relationship. Sean is in here, so we’re going to have to bring the energy today. What, I’m going to let Ben start off, start us off on this.

Yeah, definitely. And Sean, I know you’re, I know you’re probably watching, so I’m hope you’re doing well. If anybody wants to comment while we’re talking, um, you’re welcome to. If you have any cats that come up or any thoughts that come up, we’ll try to interact with those as those, as those come through, it’s, we’re talking about three cats that really can keep relationships from changing. And often we hear these in our sessions, right? And we hear these with couples and when you have a can’t, uh, it really does seems to kind of hold things back. I’m for making that. So our first can’t, can’t. Number one is I can’t change until my partner changes. Hm. Do you ever hear this one, Katie? I do hear that a lot. So it’s kind of like that. As soon as you ask, you ask me, well, how long are you willing to wait if you, if you’re waiting and you can’t change until they change, you really put yourself in a difficult position. Um, and it sounds, if they do change, you don’t like the chain break. Yeah. Um, and so that’s, that’s the problem. So I don’t know. Okay. What do you, what do you do, like when you kind of hear that I can’t, what’s, how do you work with that with people? Or where do you recommend? Well, as a marriage counselor Edmond,  one thing I always say is someone has to put the brakes on. And so if you’re moving forward and you keep going in the cycle where you’re spinning, if somebody doesn’t put the brakes on, then it’s never gonna stop. And so maybe it’s a pattern that’s really hard for you to stop and it takes you off thinking about having to stop it when your partners in stopping it. But if someone doesn’t start it, then you’re never going to be able to start because you’re both using the same excuse. And so someone’s got to stop

[inaudible] so you get stuck. So, so then you have two people who are not changed or think they can’t change till the other one does and just it’s you’re in a deadlock or gridlock or whatever it is. I was, yeah, I wasn’t mad length. There’s a tumbleweed rolling through the scene. Yes. It’s a, it’s a showdown, so I can’t, yeah, they can’t, can really can really get in there. And I don’t know about you, but what I find is when somebody does say, you know what, I’m not waiting on them anymore to change. I’m going to change this because I want things to be different in a relationship. I want to feel better about things. When you do that, um, that really is when things start to change. Yes. That’s really cool too. It’s really cool to see that. But you really do kind of got to humble yourself and be willing to make that first. Yes. The first move. Yeah, for sure. For sure. Do you want to catch us on our, uh, let me get our second. Yeah.

Yeah. So are the second can’t, is I can’t change who I am. And that’s one that I hear all the time in session. We get, we get stuck in the, well, this is who I am and I’m not changing who I am. And, um, I, you should accept me and who I am and all those things. So I’m Ben. Do you hear that often too? Yeah, I do. Do

I do. It’s, it’s, um, you know, we get really stuck with how we are. Right? This is just who I am. Or you as you, you hear this. This is how God made me, so I really can’t change it. This is how, how God made me. Um, and that would be great. It’s just, it’s not true. Um, you can’t change. You can’t change. You can’t change who you are. You can make differences. Now there’s, there’s some things about, it’s usually going to be like that. I love things with personality. You love with your temperament is in there, but it doesn’t mean you can’t respond or react differently within that. Yeah. Same thing. What do you, what do you find or what do you notice?

Well, you know, and I even think of it myself as a marriage counselor Edmond, and myself naturally from the time I was a little kid, I was always, um, very task oriented and always wanted to get everything done. But here I am and I’m a counselor. And now I would say that God’s made me someone who can be people oriented. But that, but that took a long time and years of me saying, well, even though my natural tendency is to complete all the tasks and kind of just whizz by the people and forget about them, the Lord has continuously made me someone who can interact with people and love people really well. But that takes him working in me. And I think in clients too, it’s important to talk to them and to help them understand that yes, God may have made you more introverted or God may have made you, um, you know, more task oriented like me. But that doesn’t mean that’s not an excuse for us to be mean. Like when I was young, I was pretty mean to people passing them by because I was so consumed by tasks. And that’s just an excuse. Right. That’s not, um, that’s not how God made me.

And if you know that about yourself, then you can do something different about that. And so you change how you approach people or, or change things. Yeah. And you’re right. When, as soon as I can’t change it or I can’t be any different. So thought we were saying that right before we came on, this was especially good if I can’t change who I am, guess who can. Gotcha. Yeah. The experience with God and with Christ can can change you. And sometimes that’s the way we finally ended up changing, cause we get humbled enough by something. Yeah. Now that we have to make that change. Um, but I also think if you say, I can’t change who I am, you know, I just think back to, that’s not true because lots of times I’m different around one person that I am and another, and I’m really conscious of it.

And Yeah, if you’ve ever had this, but you’re in the car or something and somebody cuts you off, you might act differently if somebody in that seat next to you or not. Right. It makes a difference. So we absolutely can, we can change and if we can’t change who we are per se, we can change how we react. We can change, we can change how we are based on knowing who we are. Yeah. Right. So you’ve got to get over that. I got to get rid of excuses. Absolutely. Some level. Absolutely. Let’s keep it rolling marriage counselor Edmond. Yeah. Can’t number three, I can’t ever trust again. Hmm. Um, we hear this and, and sadly, you know, the infidelity or affairs or things like that and we see a fair amount of that is really hard is that really does take a huge shot at trust. And we often hear that statement, don’t think I can never trust him again. I don’t think, I never trust her again. And it makes sense, doesn’t it?

Yeah, it does. Yeah, it does. And it’s a hard one. I think this is the one where I think even as Ben and I started talking about it, you know, the, the mood of this changes because it’s, it’s somber. Yeah. It’s sad when you think about not being able to trust people again. But God made us to trust people. He made us to be vulnerable with one another. I mean, if you think even in the garden, you know, Adam and eve were naked and unashamed. They were vulnerable with each other. And it wasn’t until after the fall that they were ashamed. They hid. Um, they were embarrassed. And so when we’re willing to trust, even after hurt, that’s when we give this really beautiful picture of the Gospel and what Jesus has done for us. And so it, this is such an important, um, can’t to remove from our language, especially as believers.

Hm. Yeah, absolutely. Um, and I, I’m with that and you know, it’s kind of one of the statements of once you say, I can’t ever trust again. I mean, it’s like forget the CBT CBT term for that, but it’s, um, maybe really overgeneralizing or putting on taking this one and say never again. Yeah. And so when I start saying never again whether it’s with trust or, um, that I’m really, I’m really putting myself at a disadvantage. Yeah. And what we know and what we see trust can be built back always takes time though. Yeah. And it doesn’t have to happen that that incident. I think some people think after things have happened, lying or cheating affairs, that has to be able to trust that person right away. No, no. That would actually probably would not be the smart thing to do. Right. Then you need to take time to rebuild that trust. But if you say, marriage counselor Edmond, I’m never going to do it again, then you’ve kind of made an agreement with yourself that’s going to be really, really hard to break again. It makes sense from the hurt that was there. And there might’ve been other others of you. Um, I certainly had this when I was younger. Some things happen where I just made that decision. I’m never going to trust that person again. Right. I’m never going to trust whatever it is. And once you make that agreement, it does. It makes it very hard to breathe. Yeah. Yeah.

From women a lot. I’m never going to trust men again. Um, and that is such a sad truth because men, men have great qualities and yeah, men make mistakes just like women do. But when we say I’m never going to trust men again, that means we are limiting our circle. We’re limiting our lives. Um, and really we’re letting the one man or the couple men that harmed us dictate the rest of our relationships. And so in a way, and we’re kind of letting them win. It’s like the analogy with forgiveness. When we say, when we’re not forgiving, we’re, um, we’re drinking the poison instead of giving the poison to the one we are so upset with. And that’s the exact same thing when we choose to trust, we’re just chugging that poison instead of just releasing it and letting God work that out.

No. Awesome. Well those are, um, those are our cans. You know, we kind of talked about the cans and also ways to get, get past those cans. I think one thing you could do today is really think where are those cans? Where are the, where are those places? I’m saying I came and really looking at that and um, again, it maybe it can be anything, right? I can’t ever trust again. It can be, you know, I can’t, I can’t get up and exercise today. Right? Yeah. I can’t resist. I can’t resist a certain food today or I just, I can’t, I just can’t be nice to this person in my life. Whatever’s really looking at that. Where is that? I can’t [inaudible] trying to turn that around. If she can’t, what can you do? Right. And finding a can in there and if I, if I can’t treat this person kindly, what can I do that moves in that direction?

Yeah. So maybe if I can’t treat him kindly, maybe I just, I just hold back a comment and don’t say something. I think that’s all I can do today. Maybe I can’t say thank you. Maybe I can’t get there, but maybe I can just hold back something and I can do that. I can’t have some control there. So put up some of those camps. Think about some of those cans and do that. Right? We and our marriage counselor Edmond, we could’ve thought we can do a Facebook line without Sean. Right. And the thought crossed my mind, yeah, we can’t do this right. We need him, we need his energy. And we had to face that can say yes we can and we’re going to do it. So obviously not, not as a, not as good looking as Sean probably and all that, but I hope you’ve been able to put up with us. But yeah, what are those cans, you know, what, what are you going to do today and kind of how are you going to take control back of that in your life today?

Yeah. And if, and if this brought up stuff for you and you think, man, I need some help. I’m working through those cans. Then here at New Vision, that’s exactly what we’re here to help you with. And so you can go to New Vision and we would love to pair you with one of our therapists or a marriage counselor Edmond and, um, talk through that with you and help you move into a direction in your life where you’re saying more of, I can instead of, I can’t, so, all right. Okay. We’ll have a great day. Yeah.