Hi everyone. Sean McGuire with New Vision canceling and leave. You got our team here today. We’re just missing one so far and just go ahead and tell us where you’re from so that we can know and celebrate wherever you’re from today. We’ve got something exciting. Our very own marriage counselor Edmond, Heather Daughtery is going to share with you you some amazing tips and suggestions about how to communicate and ask for what you need. You know, a lot of times in life we may be at the doctor’s office and it’s awkward and we have a question but we don’t ask because we’re afraid we might sound dumb or it may be in a situation with friends and we don’t ask or we don’t comment and say, well, I really don’t like Mexican food because I’m highly allergic and almost died from pizza, from eating beans one time. But we don’t say it because we’re nervous, so we just don’t eat.

So she is going to really lead us through some really clear, amazing steps on how to ask for what we need. Let me have you got our very own Ben. He’s come on board full time and we’re so excited to have him. He loves God. He’s specializes in anger. So if you have an explosive temper or know somebody that does, Ben is the man, he’s works with marriages, families, and really every one of these therapists are gifted and anointed by God in a very specific way to help folks out. So I’m excited to hear what they have to say. So Heather, go ahead.

Hi. Okay. So I’m just wanting to talk about communication and uh, that’s the number one reason that people in marriage come in for a marriage counselor Edmond is for communication needs. And so wanted to talk a little bit about that and how to communicate. And it sounds easy, but it’s not. Um, cause we’re always communicating or communicating with the way that our body is positioned, the way that it works. Our tone is our volume, our eyes, and even through not speaking, we’re communicating. And so, um, through all of that communication, trying to get out what we actually are meeting, um, is very important. And so, um, kind of that first step is knowing ourselves, knowing, uh, what I need. And, uh, knowing what you need and, um, knowing that we have to have that insight before we can even expect somebody else to know it and meet those needs.

So kind of getting to know ourselves is a big thing. I wonder what Caleb’s over here trying to communicate. He’s making dirty looks at me. I’m not sure if anybody can see that, but he’s at the side. So it was, what I hear you saying is a lot of times it’s getting to know ourselves first and getting to know the kind of, the definition of like for me it’d be you, Sean is, is a great first step to knowing how to communicate that to others.

Absolutely. Um, yeah. And, and that takes a lot of my marriage counselor Edmond patients in a, and work to have that insight into how to figure that out. And um, even if it’s something as, as, um, as simple as communicating, you need a hug, you know, and being able to actually verbally ask for those needs to be met. You have to first know that that’s what I meeting.

Yeah. And one of you’re afraid of rejection. You know, asking for a hug can be a really big deal because what, whatever I’m afraid that you might say no and I might look silly in front of my peers. Kayla, can I have a hug? Not Today. See, it’s so scary to be vulnerable. So the first step is knowing that even if he says no to my hut but I’ll still be okay, even if I may not look like I’m the smartest guy in the room, that is still okay to ask a question.

That’s good. So yeah. Yeah. And, and are we still there? Yup. Okay. Um, so through making yourself vulnerable, you’re actually, you are the smartest person in the room through that you’re the one gaining the most, you know, you can either gain that hug or you gain that insight that, um, that maybe that’s not the person that you need the hug from. Um, so you’re gaining a lot of insight in your building, your self esteem and just getting so much.

So communication, you take risks. It kind of look for areas to step out. Reach is getting to know yourself. Getting to know others and maybe not living as much by what they expect or want from you as much as it is trusting and who you are and leading up with that identity.

Coming from a marriage counselor Edmond, what are the questions I might have for you is how do I get to know more about myself? Maybe that other people struggle with that. I know that clients come in and they may ask, I need it. How do I know myself well enough to communicate with others? That is a great question. Thank you. I’m jump in.

Dan’s profound, he’s our professor over here.

Okay. Um, I don’t know. I was about to jump in, but yeah, I was, I don’t know how my communication, can I ask me, ask that again? Last part of the question. Well, how do I get to know myself better? That I can communicate better with my spouse? I think as you were saying, really understands what you need and what’s important to you. Um, a lot of people, surprisingly, we kind of know what we need, but we don’t, we don’t communicate that and put that out there. And so sometimes we just assume, I see this a lot in couples. We just assume the other person should know what we need. Let me get frustrated when they don’t meet that need. And I see that a lot. So not being afraid just to ask, you know, hey, I need this. Or Hey, can you help me?

You only have the kids tonight, can you, um, you know, come talk with me for just a minute. So actually being able to ask that and put that out there and just not assuming somebody knows someone should just know. Yeah. And sometimes I find for myself that the most vulnerable place to be is within my own intimate relationship with my spouse. And some of the questions that I have to ask my spouse can be very, very difficult to, to come terms with, hey, I need this from you. Maybe that feels too vulnerable, but really it’s a strength. Is that right? Absolutely.

So what do you think Katie?

Well, I was also thinking that it’s, it’s really important for us to know how to communicate those needs. And so the words that we use can be really important too. And so making sure that we’re, we’re using words that are gentle and kind about demandings and those, um, making sure we’re using things like I feel this way, not accusation like you feel a certain way. And so that can be a really good way to do certain things as well. Yeah. And, and one of those ways of practicing is practicing his role playing. Um, you know, if you, you can role play something silly, uh, until you get comfortable to ask for those true need that, that make you feel vulnerable. Um, and asking for a cup of water and role playing with your spouse or your kids, um, you know, or coming into enroll, playing with your marriage counselor Edmond and until you feel comfortable asking for those deeper needs.

So I liked that. I like Katy, you brought up something that I think is really foundational is that when we’re communicating with someone, we want to make sure that we approach them in a way that we don’t trigger their defenses. So if I can match you hot, if I come back to you with some sharp words asking, well I need this, you know, how could you not think that I was working all day and I didn’t want a cup of coffee or I didn’t want ice tea when I come in the door, why is it dinner on the table? That’s probably not the best way to to come home and ask for dinner after a long day’s work. Right? There’s a lot of different ways we can approach people that will endear them and invite them into relationship, into really partnering with us maybe to meet a need instead of pushing them away.

And I think Heather, you did a really good job of explaining to about body language. So, so if your body language, if I like this and I’m all tensed up and I’ll probably get her to trigger something inside of you guys and we can see Caleb pulling back. Yeah, because I am really intimidating. If you’ve seen me in person, I’m colossal. I get accused of being a professional body builder. How do you have time to counsel with working out? That’s a joke. That’s a joke. Trying to kind of a joke. And so I think we’ve learned a lot about communication today. One is just to know yourself and to be real to, you know, I, I heard it said a lot these days real is better than right. Let them know the real you. There’s a lady called Bernay Brown and she does a lot of research into vulnerability and shame.

And I think it’s really good because those of us that are in the arena, those of us that are living life and engaged and we have a voice that should be hurt. Not to tear your voice down, not to rip somebody else apart, but to be heard so that I can be known. And then by letting you know me, there’s a space there for me to get to know you too. That’s good. All right. Any last parting sage words from the team at New Vision or from a marriage counselor Edmond or, there is one thing that comes up. Sometimes I noticed that I’m most defensive, uh, when I start taking my request personally.

So if something comes up and difficult for me, I don’t want to look inward and think about myself. Why am I defensive? What am I taking personally that they meant just for the good of the relationship. So that’s something that I, I’ve been working on really paying attention and being offensive and defensive and justifying everything that I’m doing. So that’s very good. Yeah.

You know, when you become, when you become offended, guess what happens? All helpful communication. Implodes. Yeah. It functionally stops because when you, when I offend you, you go on the defense and your dukes come up. So if his dukes or up I, I’m not going to hug somebody that looks like that. That’s a, that’s a, that’s a scary posture. Look at this guy. So I think that’s really good that even when we’re communicating are being communicated with and we keep a posture of openness and vulnerability. And then, hey guys, if you want to follow us, you can go to uh, Sean mcguire.net or New Vision counseling. And if you would like to partner with one of our marriage counselor Edmond, here are some that are not. You can go to New Vision counseling.org and one of us would love to walk with you through some of life’s most challenging difficult situations.

We have a relationship experts, we have experts with that work with kids. We have where you’re brought on now a resident, uh, explosive anger expert, somebody that deals with a lot of different issues related to impulse control. Uh, Ben as an expert in these areas. And you know, I know Katie and Heather are great with kids and uh, Caleb does a lot of work with elephants, so it’s whatever you guys need that we want to be here to serve you as part of the extension of your local church, of extension of the body of Christ. And we bless you and we look forward to talk with you again soon. Hey, we’ll be here every Wednesday at Tuesday at 1230. I’ll be here Wednesdays, but not with everybody else in here. That’d be kind of weird, right? God bless and talk to you soon.