Gonna take your phone.
Welcome to Facebook live. This is Caleb with um, the New Vision team and we’re missing Sean, our marriage counselor Edmond, today. If you haven’t noticed, we’ve got a wonderful team here. We’ve got Katie Mcdougal and we also have been Thompson who will be leading today. Uh, what our discussion and then we also have Heather Doherty or DRD, excuse me, dirty. So, Hey, thank you so much for tuning in and giving us the opportunity to just bring you some information from the New Vision counseling perspectives. And uh, today we’re doing three perspectives, three, the three p’s of people pleasing and how to avoid them, the three p’s of people pleasing and how to avoid them.
All right, go ahead, Ben. What are the three P’s?
All right, well, I’m excited to be here, Sean. We’re always say, make sure to give us your comments, let us know where you’re from so we can interact with you during this. If anything strikes you or you have any questions, they feel free to put those and send those to us. We would like to get those from you. Like I said, we’re talking about people pleasing today. If of course, if that’s okay with you, um, we would like to do that. But I came up with, with three P’s and the first P is called placating. Placating is when really a dictionary says it’s trying to keep somebody from becoming angry. So it’s when we are trying to get them to avoid having a feeling or to keep somebody calm so they don’t get angry or whatever feeling it is. And so that’ll be the first piece that’s really placating and I’m going to go through all the ps and we’re gonna come back and touch on them.
The second P is what I call pedestal placing. And that’s where we put somebody up on a pedestal and we see them as more important, more valuable, more whatever than us. And that really keeps us from interacting with them in a way. Expert there, Bob us right there. There are so important and, and our needs are way, way down here. Um, the third one is passive aggression. So people who people please ended up being very passive aggressive because people, people please put their needs secondary until they can’t put them secondary anymore until they need something or want something else sudden it’s really important that they don’t know how to ask for it because they’ve been trying to do it by pleasing everybody and staying out of the way. So when their needs come to the surface, it often comes out very, very passive aggressively. So there’s the, there’s the three PS, three ps.
Yes. Play, play, do again, placating, um, pedestal, placing, still placing and passive aggression. Wow. Yeah. Sarah, three times fast. So, um, so I’ve got, I’ve got some signs that I worked really hard to color this morning and um, one says you and what sets me, but the way I reason I’m using this is because with people pleasing, it really matters. The relationship really matters where I’m putting you and where I’m putting me. And so kind of that perspective or whether that is, so, um, we’re gonna kind of have these signs to show where that is. Now the old, the ideal relationship is when we’re on the same plane. We’re, we’re together, as a marriage counselor Edmond, when we’re equal in a relationship. Um, when we have problems is when I put you way up here and your needs and your, your everything above myself or if I put myself way above you.
Right. And so you kind of see how that works. So we’re going to kind of adjust these as we go as we go on. So with placating, um, where do you guys think where, where does, where does you and where’s me? When her placating somebody? It’s kind of a tricky one. Anybody have any answers there? Well, if we’re placating, I dunno, maybe I put you up higher, but may have higher. So your feelings, your needs are more important than anything else. And so I’ve got to try to, I don’t know, not let you have them. Yeah. Or keep those away. Yeah, I can see that. Um, but what do play Kenny was the other way. What if it’s putting me above you, then what happens? How could that be placating?
I’m uncomfortable whenever you’re mad at me. Yeah. Okay. So how does that affect what you do towards me? Oh, I don’t want to feel uncomfortable. No, doesn’t want to feel uncomfortable. Okay. So then placating is really about you or me, but really about you in that situation. Not wanting to feel. So you’re trying to keep them so you don’t want to feel it. Okay. And what also happens is when I’m trying to placate you, you’re not dealing with your own emotions because I’m jumping in there and deal with them for you, right? And so this is really a parent child relationship. So I’m trying to control your feelings and tell you what to do. And I think that’s really where the problem comes because you guys around, apologize. I think that actually the screen is tilted. So you’re getting a sideways view of your marriage counselor Edmond. So you may have to turn your computer sideways, sideways. We’ll try to remedy this for you right now. Whether we’re going to lose Katie. No. Oh, there she is. She’s in there. Okay. So when I play Kate, I’m keeping Katie and keeping the other person from learning how to deal with their emotions themselves. And that does not, that does not help because she doesn’t learn anything. She just learns that I’m here to bail her out of her emotions in a very dangerous place. We got some comments. I don’t see who there.
Oh, Sean Copeland. Hi. How are you doing? You’re really placated, Huh? Oh Katie, look sad in front of my face.
Let, let’s move on from there. Um, so then yeah, ting is really, this one’s pretty easy. It’s when I put you way up here and I put myself down there. Right. And so you’re important. Your needs, your, everything is more important than me. Now, I always say this, you might have had a sibling like this already might’ve been the child and your family, like this was like you had a sibling that seemed like they couldn’t do anything wrong. I don’t know. You guys have that every once in awhile or that you’re doing. And so roulette puts that person up there. And again, that does some dangerous things as well because then we don’t interact with them as an equal. So maybe we’re scared to talk to them about things or we don’t, we don’t challenge them about things. Um, and we keep ourselves, we keep ourselves down.
You’re looking at that person or we’re afraid that maybe they can’t handle it or their ego can’t handle it. And so we have to keep them on that pedestal because we’re afraid they can’t handle life and the way they’re, they’re going. So, um, I don’t know anybody have any thoughts about that that is still placing, you know, getting tired. So, um, how do we, how do we, sometimes I would like to know, Ben, when we put ourselves on this pedestal, how do we really know this? How do we come to the realization that we’re pedestal in people? Um, sometimes it seems like, well, you just made, you learn these things early on and we continue to play these things out in our life and we don’t know how to become aware of them, but maybe we see signs of problems when a marriage counselor Edmond tells us. I would say pedestal placing where you see that, well, you know, where are you putting out subversion way up here as when near really attaching yourself to their achievement or their accomplishments in life, right. Where it’s almost like you need them to succeed. Um, so you can feel good about yourself. That might be one indication that you’re doing that. Or another indication might be that you just are afraid to hurt that feeling, that persons feelings by saying anything. It’s just kind of like, you’re almost like protecting them, but putting the way up there, um, which again is interesting because, and that way you’re almost flip flopping where you’re putting yourself up there and you’re trying to attach themselves to, to their accomplishments and their things and elevating yourself. Um, yeah. Also plan whenever you, maybe you weren’t the one initially putting somebody on a pedestal, but you, you join a group or, um, where other people are doing it or you join a family or, um, where other people are placing somebody in, they kind of condition you to, oh no, we don’t say that around that person. Yeah. Um, we don’t, we don’t correct that person and try and get you to kind of put that person up there too. Yeah. And so that’s kind of, I think what I can also look like. Yeah. Other people correcting you whenever you’re trying to be yourself and no, no, we don’t do that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you can kind of get into that with them of, oh, they must know something that I don’t know about that person, so I’ve got to hold myself back and try to please that person, not upset them, not make waves.
I think sometimes even when filling embarrassed internally is a good way to, um, just, just check in if we’re a people pleasing at all. And maybe it ties into the pedestal placing is that we feel embarrassed for somebody else. Maybe they’re felling, uh, that’s, that’s something that I deal with sometimes. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
It sounded like sometimes you see this in marriages and sometimes it’s kind of cool to say, you know about husbands, you know, oh, you know, she’s so far above me, right. My wife so far above me and I do all the wrong. And I can’t do anything right. And that sentence when we do doing it drives me crazy sometimes when I hear it in my marriage counselor Edmond sessions because it’s like, no, there’s responsibility on both sides. So as soon as the man is almost taught to put the woman on the pedestal, um, you know, I do everything wrong and if I would just listen better, if I would just keep my mouth shut and do all this, then things be better anyway. It would help it, I think there’s a real thing to your wife’s there. Is it, there is a danger in that for you and your wife, um, at that point because then again, you can’t honestly come together and deal with things when, when one person is always at fault. Yeah. And he goes the other way all the time. They’re there men who put their wives at fault for everything. Yeah. Right. And it can go either way in a marriage. Um, but I see sometimes being around men, it’s just like, oh, she’s so far above me and you can’t, well then you can’t, if you see your, if you’re a fan of your white man, we want to love our wives. And be fans. But if you’re at this distance with her, then how are you going to have that horizontal relationship? Does that make sense?
Yeah. I think that we want to make that connection more solid all the time by a really loving one, another connecting with the heart. But if we haven’t, pedestal really can’t make that heart connection is too, too different, too far apart on that song. She’s so, ah, yes.
Above me that comes to mind when we’re talking about that, right. Cleopatra or whatever. So he keeps saying it out loud. I apologize for anybody listening to my senior and I apologize.
Exactly. Well, let’s move on. So you kind of got that pedestal placing passive aggression. Um, so passive aggression. Um, where’s you in words me on that? Let’s try to think about that. Where did you meet any passive aggression? Anybody out there that wants to give a shot at it?
Alright, so passive aggression, aggressive. Where does that placed? Hmm. Maybe. Hmm?
You got it? Yeah. Why? What’s the, why would that put Katie, why would that put me above you?
Well, if you’re passive aggressive, um, chances are you’ve, you, you’re kind of like fear play into your life. And so being afraid of talking to the other person and actually just confronting them. Um, instead, you know, like if I was trying to tell Ben that, hey, I need a little more room on the couch and instead I just kind of did this or something like this, that would be really passive aggressive, right. I wouldn’t actually be communicating to him. Whereas if I just had the courage to say, Hey Ben, do you mind scooting over a little bit? Then it would be an actually a less self selfish act from a marriage counselor Edmond. Yeah.
You’re kind of saying, look, look at me, you know, or like what my needs and pay to my needs. You, even though we’re not going to tell him to you directly. Um, my needs are more important than here. But again, I don’t have any way to communicate that to you. Yeah. That gets, that gets really hard. I think that’s at the end of all, you know, people pleasing because here’s the thing, it doesn’t work at the end of the day. It doesn’t work. And that’s where people pleasing people, people pleasing people really struggle. Cause it never, never balanced this out. You can never be nice enough to someone else or police somebody else enough to get them to repay the favor and the way you need it. Right? I mean it just never balances and you always end up on the wrong side of the equation. But with no way to communicate that.
I think defensiveness may be a piece of this too, is if we come off as a passive aggressive, you really don’t care about me. You don’t think about me, what are you doing for me? That’s really a defensive argument. If we find ourselves defensive and may give light light to us being passive aggressive. So being able to be aware of that defensiveness is really a big key here.
Yeah. And do you have, or the laws of this thoughts of nobody cares about me. You know, I’m doing all this and no one seems to notice. And you just kinda thinking about however it ooze you then you might find yourself in. This really is people, people pleasing part. And that the passive aggression then starts to come out and, and that’s really where it is difficult. We were talking before, um, you know, it’s Easter recently, you know, Jesus came, died for us and then was resurrected and he didn’t come back and say, now I feel really guilty about that for me and do everything right for me because of what I just did. You came to give us freedom to pursue him freedom. Um, from sense we can have a relationship with him, but he didn’t, he didn’t say, okay, now I did my part, now you feel really guilty or you owe me. There wasn’t that only that were not obligation. A sense. And that’s what we do. If people pleasing, we’re really, what we’re doing is putting allegation on the other person to pay the back and people don’t really like to pay back obligations.
I think another thing is, is that if we’re trying to constantly get people to do something that we want, maybe that’s a sign of people pleasing. It’s a sign of manipulation and as a marriage counselor Edmond, I can’t go with that. And that’s really what people pleasing can be, is that we’re trying to really get people to do what we want rather than, um, zero love them for who they are and value them for what they can offer the relationship. We’re trying to make them a meet our standards for the relationship.
Yeah, absolutely. So where do we want to be? Mm, I ain’t here. Right. Wow. We want to be equal where we are both saying, you know, okay, you do one more room on the couch. Okay. Thanks for asking. I can give you some more room on the couch or, or I might be apart of say, you know what I’m thinking I need more room on the couch, you know, do that. But we communicate, um, directly across and so again, we don’t want to be parents. We don’t want to be children. We want to be in an equal relationship. Um, so I hope that can help some way to kind of avoid the PS, um, of, of people pleasing to see where you are in a relationship with that person. If you’re doing either one of those things, I’m not coming directly. It makes, makes a difference.
Now you got to make good on her promise. How do we avoid these? Right? So I came up with an acronym you gotta take about can I take a vow to be different? And Val stands for the v stands for value yourself. You have to value yourself first and love your neighbor as yourself. There’s as yourself part that’s pretty important. You will love people as you love yourself. So if you value and love yourself, um, you’ll be able to value and love other people. Um, so value yourself, see yourself as important, extremely important. Then the o stands for, own it. You’ve got to own your feelings. Got to own your needs. Understand that those are important. Kind of with the other point I wanted to say, you know, it’s important to realize that no one is more or less important than you and you are.
No, no, no. Or more or less important to somebody else. Totally botched that the way I was saying that, sorry marriage counselor Edmond. But you kind of get it. I am equal with everyone else. I’m no greater and no less. Um, so really understand that stuff. But then, oh, we own it. We own our feelings, we own our thoughts. And then the w relationships where you got to wake up, well, you got to wake ourselves up every day and say, okay, people pleasing doesn’t work. Passive aggression doesn’t work. I’ve got to come at life honestly and openly and, and put that out there. And so really waking up each day, getting out of that trance of thinking that pleasing somebody to be nice enough for kind of enough is going to get me what I want. I’ve got to speak for myself and my needs.
All right. That sounds z o w I think that’s how we got it.
Think about, yeah. Not available today. The vow. Um, very, very important. Any other, any other comments you were talking?
I think that, uh, I really like how you created the acronym. I think one of the things that’s difficult is sometimes waking up, and I say that before I struggle with people pleasing a lot. I want people to see my value. And so I’m going to try to make them, I’m just aware of it by how encouraging it can be. Sometimes I’m not that encouraging people is wrong, but what is the purpose? What is the heart behind it? I think that’s a great question to really identify whether we’re acting out of people pleasing and can we help? We’ll wake up, um, and they’re not also not going to other people for our value, but going to God for a value that can be an amazing thing. Hey Diane, I see you. They’re listening in from your senior. They’re listening in for our marriage counselor Edmond. Thank you so much. Um, if you have any questions, please, please post those now that we can answer them with our expert been here. Uh, and maybe he can give you a little bit more insight about that and that vow, that vow. So, um, waking up, this is one of the things for me that’s, that’s what I can say and value. Sometimes I misplaced my value on other people. I’m trying to find the right value. You’re trying to find that place of value really can only come from God. So yeah, and all community, all behavior is communication. And so I’m thinking as you’re being passive aggressive, what are you trying to communicate? What are those needs that you’re trying to get met? Because we’re all trying to get our needs met. And so there’s different ways we can do that through, you know, vocalizing our needs. That’s your behavior or, or a lack of behavior which can turn into a power struggle. So what are, you know, what are you trying to communicate and working on just localizing, saying that like, I need more room on the couch, Ben. Um, versus being passive aggressive or I’m just going to sit over here and a pouting, you know, working on that and that, that comes with that self confidence. You were talking about valuing yourself enough to speak up for your needs.
And a lot of times, and I say this, you know, is kind of a church we can sometimes raise ourselves than to see ourselves as not important. Everyone else is important to have this servant heart. Um, Muray found is a lot of service in my life. People call me a servant, but I resented it because I was not doing it to serve. I was doing this for my own needs, to feel better about myself, to feel good about myself. And when I, when I switched that and I served because of the gift I’ve been given from God, right, then be able to serve out of that thankfulness and gratitude that made all the difference in the world. You know, but if I’m serving out of need to make me feel better or do that just done feel the same. And so I’d much rather serve because I, because of what I’ve been given and because of the joy in that, again, rather than trying to get something out of that. So that was a big, that was a big change for me, as a marriage counselor Edmond and, in my, my life. That’s really good. Good. So I like the openness. I like to be open and meet people where they’re at. Uh, if I can be open, maybe I can be more connected. But that’s, that’s sometimes hard in that vulnerability. It just doesn’t feel right. Um, I want to know how to be open more. Katie, can you help me to be somebody that just, maybe some elements or suggestions on how to be somebody that’s open and that’s communicating wall?
Yeah. I think something that’s really important, um, was when you were talking about, um, the vow acronym and you were in, when we are more open, we’re paying attention to what’s going on with us. And so we’re owning it, right? We’re saying, okay, I’m, um, I’m feeling mad. I’ve been right now because he’s taking up too much of the couch. And so if I want to communicate that to Ben, I have to recognize, okay, I’m feeling mad. I need to work through my anger. I need to think about that. I needed to let God’s saying to find out a little probably, and then I can to him.
But it’s being willing to be vulnerable for requires owning it first.
Sounds really good. I think, uh, in marriage, especially my marriage, owning my emotions is one thing we talk a lot about in our household. Um, I own my emotions sometimes, but oftentimes I fail to say, you know what? This is more about me than it is about you, about a marriage counselor Edmond. I apologize for that. I think that’s a really good place that we can own our emotions and be open with what’s really going on and then open up, uh, uh, other elements too. Hey, this is what I want to change in our relationship and create things a little bit differently. So when I think of people pleasing, people pleasing really distance us from what you’ve shown us today, Tom, I put, I put Tom in there instead of Thompson. Yeah. Yeah. Uh, so then when, when we see this example, I noticed that we really see a distancing happening. I don’t want to be distanced from my spouse. I want to be eye to eye, heart to heart with my spouse. And this is something I’m really learning as we’re talking about this, is that we can find ways to value ourselves, to own our opinions, to own our emotions and to wake up. That’s really, really good.
Yeah. And with being open, one of those things, you’ve got to be open with yourself first before you can be open with somebody else. And, um, I know a great tool for that. You know, before you can be open and I’m, I need some more space, I’m mad at you. I’m, I’m really frustrated. You have to know that about yourself first. Right? And so, so a lot of times we just react and we don’t really know what’s going on inside of us. Um, we just yell or, um, and slammed the door and we don’t quite know what’s happening. And so I think that’s a great tool to help with that is journaling of taking some time before you interact with somebody else and interact with yourself first. And so, um, you know, a good way to do that is journaling, keeping a notebook in your car, um, and getting some space and journaling what you’re feeling and why before you can communicate it with somebody else. That way your communication as valuable.
I really liked that point, Heather. Um, that as well. One of the big things is that in our thoughts, we have these abstract thought there. They’re just convoluted there. Always spinning around, what about this, what about that? But as soon as we write something down or we speak it out, we put it into a structure. And that structure gives us the ability to examine what we think. Do I really believe this? Do I really think about that? So being able to journal or being able to speak things out, talk it out, those are really good format for all of us, even a marriage counselor Edmond. Um, and it makes a huge difference on being open and knowing ourselves. They did hit at the BOT. Um, if you don’t own it yourself, then you’re loaning it out. If you don’t own it, you loan it, right. So I loan it to my partner to, to give it to me or make me feel a certain way or ruin that. If I’m loaning that out, I’m expecting, I’m expecting this repayment right. And giving you this. And so if we don’t own it, we’re giving it out with us, to our spouse, to
a friend or a therapist or wherever you’re giving it out, rather than again owning that saying, okay, I’ve got to come out of a place like this. I’ll tell you when, when I find it, especially in couples. And finally somebody owns it, right? And then says, now I’m going to speak from a place of mind needs, not from a place of what you’re doing wrong or how you screwed it up, but from a place of, Hey, this is what I need, this, this is what’s important to me. And they can speak from that place of I, it is so powerful. Uh, and then you can, then there can be some change that made, but if it, but if it’s comes from a place of you, you only right and gave you this loan you owe me, just doesn’t happen. And sometimes couples have been really, it’s been years that I’ll ask this in the wife lot, it’s been years, the wife was trying to get her husband to step up and own it, but really should be given to him alone. Say you repay this, right, and I want to give this. And it’s finally when she says, okay, it’s not what you had done or haven’t done. This is what I’d like and this is, this is what I need and this is what’s important than me, man. And a lot of times the husband’s like, yes, I can do that. Thank you. Finally given me something I can do and not just told me everything I haven’t done. So, um, we have a question for Diane. She says, how can I begin to know when I am encouraging from a right? Yeah.
Heart. Anybody want to take the tackle that one question. That’s a really, really good question, man. Thank you so much for submitting that. Well, from a marriage counselor Edmond, go for it. I was about to say. Well I think, um, sometimes as women especially, and I am speaking from experience that a lot of times I think I’m being encouraging but I’m really nagging and so, um, a lot of times for me it’s discerning am I putting myself above the other person or am I putting the other person above me? And yeah, I mean we do want an equal playing field but there is a selflessness aspect of I can encourage the person and put that other person above myself because I can see their needs and I can say, hey, you’re doing a really good job with this. Like, Hey Ben, I really liked that acronym. That was really good. That’s me putting been above myself in a healthy way and being encouraging as opposed to just saying like, Hey Ben, when are you going to get the next Facebook live thing ready? I noticed that we asked you for that last week. You know, that would be me nagging instead of encouraging
I think. Is it as you said that too? I mean it is making it equal cause I think the differences are you encouraging me because you think I need it, right? Are you encouraging me or you’re encouraging me because you saw something you liked and want to bring that out. I think it’s where, again, where the motive is from is, is really important. So if you said that, and I really felt like this because you think I need that, right, and I can go on without that, I would, I would receive that in a different way. Not appreciate that I’ve just feel alone. I just feel that burden. It’s only cents. Yeah. I think another thing is we can just be of what we’re taking away
from any conversation to check our heart. Do I feel discouraged? I feel resentful. Do I feel bitter or anything like that that can kind of play into what was my motive for approaching the discussion. So I’m sometimes hindsight can give us ways to interact in the future as well. All right, good. Good. All right guys, thank you so much for joining us on Facebook live. You can also visit our website, New Vision counseling.org. Is that correct? And then also, uh, Sean mcguire.net, uh, you can take advantage of any of our wonderful counselors here. Our marriage counselor Edmond, and so we just encourage you to like the page as well as share it with others and a call us. Let us know if you have any thoughts. I know next week we’re going to tackle, um, a discussion that was posted to us. Uh, and do you remember what their discussion with regarding anger? Right. We’re going to be leading, so I’m going to be leading something about anger and how to really interact, uh, with anger, interrelationship. So we just wanted you to guys to keep posting for us. Thank you so much, Diane again for that. Hopefully that was helpful. Let us know and we look forward to seeing you next time here on Tuesdays at 1230. Um, we look forward to seeing everybody come in and, hi, Danielle Smith. Uh, have a wonderful day. Take care. Bye.