Hey everyone. I’m Sean McGuire, marriage counselor Edmond. Welcome New Vision podcasts. It actually podcast, Facebook live. Yeah, I do somebody ever things. I’m here with Somar and Ms. Dot. [inaudible]. Have you guys seen the Lego two movie? There’s this universe called assist star universe, and it’s this crazy universe. Well, I’ll just let you see the movie. I don’t want to ruin it, but the sister star Universe is the sister universe and it’s all these crazy chaos things that don’t look right. You’re going to start out with, yeah. So speaking of tangents and crazy today, what are you talking about? I’m talking about commitments and vowels. See, that’s pretty crazy. Marriage commitments, vows, right? So guys, we want to welcome you and divisions a place where we help you discover what better looks like for you and then equip you with the tools to create it. And this is two of our man.

We have shortly, soon to be hundreds of people work here or want to work here, at least from all over the world, did such an amazing culture of people that love God and love people. And we want to welcome you into our little space. One of the offices here. And, uh, these girls offices look fantastic by the way. They just redecorated and it kind of looks like, I think chip and Joanna, they’re probably be jealous. They would approve. They would approve, at least approved. Well, without further ado, jumping right into vows and commitments in relationships, I suspect, right? Yeah. All right, let’s hear it.

So, you know, we, those of us that are married or those of us that are in relationships, we have made commitments. And so I want to talk about those today. I want to talk about vows, but not the vows that we took at the altar. Because if you’re married and talked with a marriage counselor Edmond, you stood in front of family and friends and God and you said some things that probably sounded romantic or, or traditional even. Um, but then you were married for a week or a day or a year or a decade. And, um, while those vows were, are absolutely meaningful and beautiful, I think we all probably once we got into marriage started realizing that there were things about it that were not what we expected. Would you say some things like Pharma in two words, in laws, he didn’t know marriage came within laws. He didn’t get the memo. Not these cars. I love them today. They’ll love you guys if you’re watching.

So I want to talk about adding commitments to your marriage after the new wears off. So things, vows that we can make promises we can make after the fact, after what has happened at the altar and after the romance and the new starts to wear off. So our church just came off of a February series on relationships. I think a lot of churches did. February, yeah, series on your waters, little heart and little bit of Valentine’s Day holiday.

Um, but there was one week during that series that my husband and I left church and he said, hey, what’d you think of the message? And so I told him when I thought about and he said, what did you think about this one part? And I got to thinking about it and he said, how do you, how do you think I’m doing in that area? Like what are you, what are your feelings about that? And, and it, US having that conversation, it dawned on me that there was actually something I needed from him that I wasn’t getting, that didn’t even know I needed. But it sparked through, you know, the the church. And so I’m not quite okay, I won’t give you details because it’s personal. Might embarrass him. But we talked, we set, you know, through, we sat there together and we talked it out with our marriage counselor Edmond.

And by the end of that, we had been very specific in our conversation and he said, you know what? From this day forward, I want to vow to you right now and commit to you that going forward I will proceed in this way with that topic. And was a very specific, and I can’t tell you how meaningful that was for me. Now I know our, our vows, we took at the altar where super meaningful. But that vow right there was so meaningful because it was specific and it was something that I needed in our relationship as it exists today. And it meant so much to me and caused me to feel so safe and connected to him that he, he said, I will, I will do this too. I’m committing to you that I will do this and it will be done in this way. Exactly. And so it got me to thinking that I think this is a valuable thing that we could do in our marriages. Cause you, you know, you hear about people renewing vows. So it’s kind of like that, but it’s more, more specific and less public. I have one, what is it?

So my wife or me got, we’ve been married for a while now, it seems like forever. It’s been sweared weird to think I’ve even been single since you’ve been married for awhile and I mean, you have like five kids between all of us. We have, we have, uh, we have like 30 kids. And by the way, I only have two, so that just lets you know what’s happening over here. Uh, so, so one of the things is when we got done, we don’t, we don’t make our bed. Um, we don’t ever make our bed. It’s just kind of our thing. We just, we just kind of live in our bed. We don’t live in our bed. I just sleep in our bed. We live it, we live in our life, we sleep in our bed and our beds just there. You know, we have sheets and pillows and stuff.

But one of the things you said, it would mean a lot to me if you would just pick up the pillows every day. Like when you get out of bed. Cause I get out of bed about, I don’t know, three hours earlier than my wife and she doesn’t, it’s not that she’s lazy, I’ll just get up really early and, and it just was such a big deal to her. I’m like, man, what a great return on my investment that I just have to pick up these pillows and whatever’s on the ground and put it on the bed. Exactly. It’s such a small thing that in the, uh, the toilet paper people, it’s so funny. It takes like two seconds to do the toilet paper cause I’m like a Ninja and I put it on if you will put it right on top people meaning not like it in Walmart, but like in my house, Oh, put the toilet paper on top of the empty thing. And I’m like, some people would get offended. I’m just thinking, man, marriage counselor Edmond, what an easy thing I can do to serve and feel like I’m doing something good. That’s a big one. I would really appreciate that too. So I just thought that was so funny that these really, really little commitments.

They’re big and make a difference. So they’re little, but they’re also specific and I think that’s part of what makes it so great. So she specifically said it would mean a lot to me if you would pick up the pillows in the morning, not specific, you know. Exactly how to make that happen. She didn’t say, Hey, I’d like to work you to work on tidying up. She said, what’d you pick up the pillows in the morning? So it’s very specific, tells you exactly what to do. So the way that we want to approach this, I want to kind of give you some tips on doing this. The first step, if you, if you think you know what I think I would like to do this, how, how, how could we do that? The first thing would be to identify some of the problem areas, big or small.

But honestly, you know, I read a, or I heard about eighth, um, article in psychology today or a study that they did. I don’t, 83% of people in marriages are not content. Only 17% of people who were married right now are content in their marriage. So that tells me that we’ve got a lot of problem areas. Some may be big, some may be small. 83% are not content. It’s terrible, it’s terrible. So that means there are problem areas out there. So, you know, commit to scheduling a time to sit down with your spouse and I’m, I believe that you should schedule it because if you don’t schedule it, it won’t happen, right? You’re big on schedule because aren’t you implore, you got scheduling period scheduling period. Right? If you don’t schedule it and not going to know what I’ve heard, this is so good when I’m like some of the most wise things that I hear from my patients, it’s true story. As a marriage counselor Edmond, I see brilliant people who said we schedule our priorities. And so if you’re not scheduling time with, but thinking about it, if you’re not scheduling time with your family, what does that make them?

Right? Unknown priority is, but think about trouble. Think about that, right? Take it for granted. All of a sudden we wake up one day and realize, oh, they are the last thing on my list because I never put them on my list. I didn’t schedule them if they’re still there. Right? Yeah. So schedule a time to sit down with your spouse or your partner and talk about, um, what are our problem areas? And these can be bigger. These could be small. Like Sean said, it could be the pillows on the bed, but if it’s a problem area, she didn’t bring it up. She was going to be irritated at him every time. He didn’t do like the rest of our life. Right. So talk about the problem areas and then as you start to uncover those and identify what those problem areas are, then you want to start saying, okay, what are some very specific ways that we can address that problem area?

So Tanja said to Shaun, it would really be helpful if you would pick up the pillows each morning. She says exactly what to do and when, you know, every every time clear directive of how to solve the problem. Right? Right. And so if it’s something like, you know what, my love language is touch and I feel like I’m not getting enough touch from you. Instead of saying, okay, I’ll try to touch you more often, I would encourage you to say, I will kiss you every morning before I leave and hug you every day when I returned home. Or some version of that. But you could vow that could be one of your new vows and that, that, that would um, get him or her, the physical touch that she’s looking for.

That’s a really big deal too by the way. And if you guys don’t know, we have on our free guide, if you guys sign up for our free guide, we send you out a video every week. It’s New Vision Counseling Dot Org, he was in counseling.org and go there, sign up for the free guide and we’ll send you on a video once a week for six weeks. And then we’ll go over some of these that you can do every day. And it really will impact your marriage is, and what the two that she just touched on are, are, it may seem so small and the amount of time like 30 seconds or less, but it’s so big and their return.

It is. And as a marriage counselor Edmond, I tell couples all the time in marriage counseling you, the state that you’re in right now is created as a result of hundreds of thousands of tiny little moments, looks, interactions, touch or not touch things you did. Things you didn’t do. So those little things do matter. And so identifying those problem areas bigger, small and then saying, okay, what are some specific things we could do to fix those? Another thing, um, if it’s something like we’re having financial struggles or financial fights because occasionally couples argue about money. I don’t know if you guys knew this occasionally that happens instead of just saying, okay, I’ll be more mindful of our budget because that’s too broad. Say something like I promise I will not make a purchase over $300 without consulting you first or some something that fits right. Whatever the number is for your families.

Right? Right. So one thing that we’ve done is, um, to even hold each other accountable as we have decided to sit down with each other weekly and go over all the finances and we have to talk about every purchase that we made, hiding. Love that. Any parties transparency while every purchase you made and see if that was a thing for you guys. That’s a very specific way to, once a week. And so your valve in whether you realize you made it or not, your new vow was, I promise that I will sit down with you every single weekend. We will go over the budget. Right? That’s how you would have vowed that are promised, that are recommitted to that. Um, so start thinking then about some of the areas that you think maybe your relationship could use a new voucher or a new commitment. You know, and if you, if you can’t think of any or if it seems too overwhelming, I actually have quite a few that I can then I’ll give you that I’ll share with you that maybe you might want to adopt for yourself or get creative and change them a little bit.

Or some of them you may be like, Ooh, I need that one. I actually, when I was writing this and researching this, I talked to several, uh, married people in my life that I knew and said, would you mind sharing with me some of your problem areas in your relationship? I won’t use your name, but if you’ll share with me some of your problem areas and that will give me some ideas about some example, new commitments or new vows that I could put in research I’m doing. So they did, they openly shared with me some of the things that they’re struggling with. And then some of these are from my own relationship and I’m happy to share but I’m going to give you some um, possible vows or new commitments that might work in your relationship. So one is I will pray out loud with you everyday before we leave for work. When you are talking to me, I will put my phone down and give you my full attention. I love that one. That’s a big one for today.

Oh Man. Do you ever go to a restaurant? If you ever go to a restaurant? I think it’s, it used to be just the younger crowd. Now it’s non age specific from top to bottom. You see all these couples is tuned into their phone up. That’s right. And from a marriage counselor Edmond it’s so hard for me. I don’t know about you guys so hard for me to not just stand on the table and just broadcast. You’ll get a real person. Yeah. Excellent. You connect. Connect. I grabbed my Gotcha.

And nothing feels more disregarding than when you’re trying to say something to your spouse and they’re like looking at their phone. Um, sort of half listening to you. Yeah. Right. It doesn’t feel good. Nobody likes that. So that would be a great commitment. I, when you’re talking to me, I’ll put my phone down and give you money.

Well, Hashtag full attention

communicate when I’m angry or hurting instead of shutting down or shutting you out, I will not argue with you in front of our kids. I will initiate sex with you at least once a week. When I need or want help with a task, I will ask for help out loud and specifically, instead of expecting you to pick up on my cues and read my mind,

that’s a total, oh no, it’s a woman thing. If you love me, I’ll admit it. If you love me, you would just know you would just, you would just be on a written man. Dude, if I can read your mind, I’d be a billionaire. Yeah. I would be a bureau. Send me a billionaire because I can know that not lottery. I’m gonna know everything,

right? A friend of mine shared that one with me yesterday and I thought, you know what, that’s, that’s a big one. You know, and you’re right. I’ll admit it. And women are, are bad about that. I think probably more so than men. We do. Well, you should just know that I needed that. You should just know that right

when the reality is, sadly, most men already been thinking about it, thinking about playing this weekend or what am I going to do when I get home golf or what am I going to, what TV shows?

They’ve got their own things on their mind and that’s perfectly fine. If we need help with the task, I will ask for it specifically. Um, but the pillows on the bed, please see that was so perfect. Such a good example. I will not watch pornography because our sex life is sacred and even visual images of others is a violation of what we have. That’s true. It’s very good. Even though I’ve taken the role of bill paying, I will discuss our budget and financial status with you every week on this scheduled day and time again with the scheduling. If you don’t schedule it won’t happen. I will not put myself in a high risk situation because our marriage is a treasure that must be protected and cherished. So this is a good opportunity for you all, especially if you’ve got your scheduled talk time for this to discuss what you think is a high risk situation for your relationship.

It could be so many things depending on, on your individual relationship. Yeah. You know, again, just recognizing this is a high risk situation. I wouldn’t even put myself in that situation during our relationship. Um, series at church. Craig Rochelle mentioned did that, who? It’s Craig Rochelle, maybe you’ve heard of him, woman besides his wife and pink. Can’t even remember how long. So that tells me that, that they have some sort of agreement or he believes that that could potentially be a high risk situation that he wouldn’t even put himself in. Not because he has no self control. Just because he loves and respects has marriage so much. It’s a treasure. And so anything that could even potentially be high risk, I won’t even go there. Not even gonna go there. It’s too important. Um, I will not make big plans or decisions that affect our household without at least a phone call or discussion with you.

I will give you two compliments or affirmations per day because I know that is important to you. I will reach out and touch you a minimum of three times per day, no matter what mood I’m in. Ooh. I will make a point to participate in things that are important to you, even if they are of no interest to me. While that could be a woman or a male saying that one, oh, for sure. No doubt. If I’m going to be late, I will call you. That one’s simple as that one goes a long way. Oh, that sounds like I will ask you on a date every single week.

That’s from a guy that’s that girl. Yeah. Okay. Are you guys tell me you’re not guessing these, you gotta be guessing. I apologize in advance for all the stereotypes that are going on and totally, Hey, I are 25 years of seeing tendencies. You sure do. Insurance companies do tendencies, males, much higher risk than females. It’s a statistical, I don’t disagree here. Right?

And the last one on my list is if I’ve had a bad day at work, I will stop at the front door and say a prayer or do some other ritual before I come inside and bring the garbage, asking God to restore my positive attitude so my family doesn’t suffer the consequences. Can somebody shared with me last night that one thing that they um, don’t appreciate about their spouses, that if they’ve had a bad day at work, the whole family suffers. And so I think some sort of ritual or, or commitment in that area could certainly be helpful. Any other thoughts from our marriage counselor Edmond, any that came to others that came to your mind? I know,

I know that uh, misty because she is a celebrated a service person in the army that she has a lot of vowels that she’s made in. Her husband also serves our country in the military too. So you’re probably an expert on vowels actually somewhat of a following through with them following through with them. I think that’s some follow through. I think that’s the biggest thing because if you have a few vowels like to not look at pornography and advice for all on your spouse. I think if you follow through with that, then you keep your marriage sacred or if you have the valve you’re, you’re, you’re going to transition well like that person said yeah and I’m being, just so you know, I have to have a transition. I remember there was one time last year when my family showed up and I wasn’t finished with my day. Like somebody walking out and they’re walking in and I just, it was like, is like the sixth grade. Yeah. I’m like, what? What? I’ve got notes. I’ve got like 10 people to call back and my kids are like, Dad, you’re always working. And I didn’t transition well so, so I had to do a lot of apologizing later on in the evening because I didn’t have that space.

That’s the next step. Then we’ve, we’ve said, here’s the primary, we’ve given some ideas about what might the vowel, but the transition then comes from, okay, I’ve chosen, I’ve chosen a vow, I’ve put it in words that are meaningful. Now I want to say it out loud. So don’t just make the vow or make the commitment, but then again in your scheduled talk time or maybe another scheduled talk time, hold hands together and say, okay, after our talk, I’ve come up with some new commitments I want to make to you in our relationship going forward. And here they are. And so say that vow, the vows or that commitment or that those promises, whether there’s, whether it’s one big or small or it’s several, say them out loud to your spouse, it’s so meaningful. Um, take that extra step maybe and even write them down so that you can revisit them often and that they stay on.

You’re writing your journal or somewhere where you can see it. I’ll put them, post them somewhere that you receive him. You have a trusted friend to hold you accountable to that too. Very true.

You get into this process and it starts a fight or you’re, you’re, you know, it’s showing thrown up, shame triggers left and right, or you just can’t have this conversation and find these commitments without a fight. Then I would say as an aside, consider professional help. Consider having a marriage counselor Edmond walk you through this process. Right. Um, it is very helpful if you’re not currently in a marriage, but you’re thinking about being in one soon. Consider premarital counseling, but then you sit down with someone and do this really fun program. Where are you?

There really is a lot of fun by the way. It really is. We all, we all love premarital. It’s so fun and exciting, but then you’re setting

those roles and commitments right up front, even before you get started. So you’re getting a jumpstart on the game, which is super helpful. You’re kind of doing the process we’re talking about now even before you.

Yeah, premarital counseling. So fun because you have the excitement of I get to spend my life with this person without the baggage of the story of pain and any let downs like you, you just have this excitement and we help you build this foundation so that your vows that you make are legitimate and yeah, and they actually create the marriage that you want. Right? And that’s your dream of.

And so the last thing that I want to leave you with, because this I think is extremely important, and I do not think enough people do this. I think that we should treat our marriage like a treasure. That’s good. Okay. Treat your marriage like a treasure. Think about all the other things that are valuable to your new iPhone, to Iphone, your wedding ring your money. I mean, you put your money in a bank, you put your true valuables in a safe. You do all of those things because they’re valuable to you and you want to protect them. You want to prevent the destruction of those things. And your marriage should be exactly the same way on an even bigger level. Treat your marriage like a treasure. And these vows in these commitments are the steps that you take to do exactly that, to prevent the destruction of your most valued treasure, to protect your treasure.

That’s good. Yeah. So guys, I hope that today was exceptionally helpful to realize in marriage, we make these big vowels when we first get married and it’s like, oh, I promise I roast forever and whatever follows that. But then the reality is it’s you in the face and it’s the little vows that we make every day of valuing the person with and getting very specific and then having a plan that we schedule and execute on a daily, weekly basis so that we show that person that they matter. And what happens to us is in the process of sowing and reaping, God knows only so life into our future and to another person. And we’re loving and kind that we will experience his joy and his pleasure because we are wired by God to love and be loved. And so that was really good. Sharing all of that.

And so before you exit this video, have at least one value that you want to make and one value. Think the person that loves you, maybe your spouse or girlfriend, boyfriend, that that they would maybe want to so that you have some start of a conversation that you can have and you’re talking about scheduling was super impactful because think about it this way. If you want to retire, which I don’t necessarily believe in retirement, I believe in doing more of what you want to do as you get older. So going more into the calling of God without money being an inhibiting factor. So if you want to go on a missions trip, well then you self on your missions trip. But let’s say you want to retire it and do more of that when you get older. Well, right now you’re going to have something scheduled every month to come out of your income account, your bank account.

If you want to put your kids in college, have money scheduled to come out every month so that they have resources every month. You don’t even have to think about it. So that’s why you put these important dates on your calendar conversations because it’s important and they matter. And have you scheduled to happen? Just like goals, if you’re writing out, the chance of them happening are exponentially higher than if they just stay here. So guys, I hope this was helpful. Hey, go to our Instagram page. New Vision Counseling. Okay, see we do stuff on that every day. Also, we have a team meeting once a week where some of us and our therapists sit down and we bestow information because our goal at New Vision counseling is to help you discover what better looks like for you and then equip you with the tools to create it. And so if you’re watching this and you say, you know, Sean, summer, missy, I really liked what you said, but I need more help.

Greatness is we have a team of counselors at Mary Biblical principles with cutting edge counseling techniques. We don’t just sit on the couch and watch you struggle through life, but we jump into your story with you walking side by side and they bring the truth of God. To be the best marriage counselor Edmond, we’ve been the counseling techniques to help you just heal the pain through the process, create the life that you want to live and that you’re excited to live in today. Moving forward into a future that is bright, that pulls you into it instead of a pass that keeps you down. All right guys. Well, Hey, thank you so much for tuning in like us. Follow us. It really helps to get the word out that you really can change and wait. Don’t wait for your data to become great. Make your day great by the decisions you make. God bless. Talk to you again really soon.