Hey everyone, welcome. Happy Tuesday. My very own Katie. Mike do go from Ireland. She just got back. Hey guys, let us know where you’re from when you tune in the guest. Today we’re going to talk about a very important topic related to communication and marriage problems and solutions Edmond folks that I think so many of you are really enjoy if you implement the strategies that Katie’s going to unfold. They come from 29 years of serving hard time in the pan army, this kid, and see c served like 10 or 15 at the Baptist convention. So without further ado, I want to just introduce you to Katie McDougal. Okay. What are we talking about? What’s the exact title?

Yep. So today, since in July we’ve been talking a lot about freedom. Today we are talking about the secret to freedom from circular arguing. Oh, so when I talk about circular arguing, it’s exactly what Sean did, right? It’s when we go in that loop with people. Usually it’s people we love or people we care about when we just kind of go back and forth and maybe we have the same argument over and over and over again. Yeah. It doesn’t seem like we ever get a resolution or even a compromise or just any relief from it. And so I want to help you experience some freedom from that today. So the secret to cert to freedom from circular arguing is empathy. So I want to talk about what empathy is and what if the isn’t. So empathy, um, is defined in a lot of different ways, but I think, um, some of the best ways to describe empathy is empathy, is putting yourself in someone else’s shoes. Um, so it’s thinking about the other person and not as much about yourself. So it’s really trying to connect with who that person is, where they’re coming from, um, what they’re experiencing. Try and try and take yourself out of it.

Oh, I know. Kind of like political debates from it. That’s how I do it. Yeah. Yeah. But try to really get to know the point of the other person without accusing. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Okay. I get it. Yeah. Yeah. The number. Yeah.

Um, what empathy is not is political.

Oh, it’s the opposite. It’s opposite.

Yeah. So we’re trying. So when I talk about empathy, marriage problems and solutions Edmond, practically I think I’ve heard a lot of people say that sometimes counselor words sound a little bit like Christianese. Sometimes we use these words that just don’t really make sense, like process or just all these kinds of words don’t really make sense practically. And I think empathy can be one of those if we’re not careful. So just to give some really practical steps about what empathy is. Um, empathy is taking the time to really listen to someone in a way where you’re actually trying to figure out what they’re saying. And so, um, we actually were just in a staff meeting where we were talking about this really common counseling technique and I won’t bore you with the logistics of it, but it’s basically taking time to really hear and repeat back what the other person is saying.

And even though a lot of times when I do that with clients, at first they kind of think, okay, this is a little cheesy. Um, I could’ve figured this out on my own. But when we actually start into that process of, actually I even use the talking stick a lot of times and make this [inaudible] that we talk to you, we don’t just hit [inaudible] gotta get him back. Yeah. Yeah. It’s a really long, I’m talking six hour training, but they all actually just take time to just repeat back with the other person says, and even that first step of just taking time to listen to what they say and actually have to repeat it back, not like a parent, but summarize it in their own words until they get it right. That can make a huge difference in deescalating the argument and starting to break free from the circular arguing.

So we haven’t necessarily gotten to the conflict resolution at that point. Right, we’re still dealing with marriage problems and solutions Edmond. But we have the escalated the argument, we’ve reduced that circular nature of the argument so we can actually get to the problem solving. And without doing that first step, we’re never going to be able to break free from it. So we can actually, you know, get to the compromise about where you’re going to go on vacation or what you’re going to do. Um, you know, for, um, the next school year, which activities you’re going to involve or whatever argument it is that you and your family or your spouse or even your friends are having. It’s really important to be able to break free from that. Um, I know, uh, summer references Bernay Brown a lot. Um, I’m probably like a pseudo Bernay brown fan. I like some of the things she says. I don’t like some of the other things she says, but, um, I do think she has the best video on empathy that I’ve ever seen.

And it’s called empathy versus sympathy and, um, that video, it’s like, yeah, and it’s like a two minute video and it talks about, um, it’s, it’s a cartoon, but it’s a cartoon that’s kind of over a ted talk. And so it’s for adults, but it’s really easy to understand. But, um, she gives some really good examples of how basically you enter into somebody’s pain, but you don’t. Um, and so you’re not like giving advice. Um, which is exactly what empathy is not right. Empathy is not giving advice. It’s not getting your opinion. It’s not necessarily trying to problem solve or fix it. Empathy is just trying to enter that pain with them. Um, and so, which is it’s tricky, right? You get in a situation with somebody that you care about but not really intertwine your heart, your emotions. You know, I even teach a technique today about, it’s called armoring up. It sounds the exact opposite, but it actually lets you define who you are and you come in to use your hand and you’d go like this and you wire in that I’m in a place with God where he’s my meeting, my needs and I come from a place of certainty so that I could see who you are, no matter how somebody else is reacting. And I can stay me and then I can allow you to do whatever you need to do. And I can make decisions of do I need to get closer? Do I need to back off? Do I need to say something? Are they a place where they can hear me? Yeah. But it really helps you to connect and stay who you are without going too far into reacting, you can choose to respond.

Yeah. I love that Sean. And I think one of the pieces of empathy that’s so important is that we have, if we’re going into a dark hole, that we’ve got a really good bungee cord attached to us. You know, that we can’t yet we can get back out. And I think the way that I like to describe that to people is that we, um, have, um, a rope tied to the Lord. And so that we’re always connected more to the Lord than to other people. And then to other people’s problems. God was really, I’m an empathic and he really cared about other people when he was on earth, but he didn’t get so entwined in their problems that he lost who he was, his connection to the father. He was still, um, rooted in his relationship with the Lord in him and who he was as God, the father and God the son, which is easier said than done.

But really important if a client of mine, who has been searching for marriage problems and solutions Edmond, was watching this, they laugh because I say this so often in session that often my clients laugh cause I just repeat it so often, but I often describe that, um, protecting yourself from getting too far in, um, as holding an emotional basket. And so each have an emotional basket. But, um, we’re not ever supposed to take someone else’s emotional basket. Maybe we’re supposed to be like Aaron was to Moses holding up the arms, right? Like, and I think empathy a lot of times is helping somebody by holding up their arms for their emotional basket, but it’s never dumping their emotional basket on my head. Yeah. And so, and even, I think one of actually the hardest times that I see this isn’t even in marriage situations. The actually, the hardest time I’ve seen this is moms with kids because moms naturally, I mean, the kid grew inside the mom in most cases, right. Unless there was adoption. And so it’s really hard to not think that those little kiddos emotions are entirely my responsibility. But your kids, your responsibility, but not their emotions all the time. Right? And so it’s so hard to not just want to take that entire basket, even when your kids are adults and maybe aren’t making the right choices. It’s really easy to want to take that basket, but instead you’re just responsible for helping hold that up. And so empathy is certainly not dumping that basket.

That’s really true. You know what happens when I take responsibility for other people’s emotions is I want to control them and I want to, especially when it comes to kids or my wife, I see them making decisions that I think aren’t the best decisions for their life. And I want them to do better. I want them to have the best friends. I want them to make the choices for getting to sleep on time, doing the work to feeling better about themselves. And the reality is if I take their emotions, if I take all the buckets that they’re supposed to be caring for myself, but one, it’s going to hurt our relationship until it’s going to hurt me, and then I’m going to tend to react because I’ve got way more, and God’s given me grace to handle it. Yeah. And I know I get caught up in that, especially with kids and my wife. Yeah. I know that I tend to take way more on myself to like, I can totally make that better. Right. If they would just fill in the blank.

Yeah. Yeah. And I think, you know, and I think as believers, us, um, we have this, you know, we have the spirit of God in us. We desire to, um, want to make the other person better. We want to help. I think I’ve gives us that. I think that’s from God, but it’s just also recognizing that we have such a limited capacity to do that. And God is the one that has the biggest capacity to do that. And so we have to eventually release that to him. So that’s good. Yeah. It’s tricky though.

It’s, you know, I know for me, I love to help people. I mean, I love, it’s part of my, the way God made me is I get joy for seeing people succeed. And so when I love somebody, the more I love the person in my life. If you’re in my inner circle, the more I’m going to hold you to the fire. If you’re doing something that’s hurting you or those around you to make changes that are positive and I know that it’s been a problem my whole life really to get to, but to go too far and trying to help somebody or control the situation and the variables in the situation because I want the person, I love to just do well and succeed, so it’s part of what makes us great counselors, and get down to the bottom of marriage problems and solutions Edmond. But it’s that fine line of not going too far, but going far enough that you love, but you don’t take more than God’s given you. Yeah, I think it’s a, it’s a situation by situation decision. Absolutely. You’ve been in seasons of relationships, several relationship times, you’ll be way more invested. There’s, you’re going to let them have a responsibility.

Yeah. And I think I’m, again, a good parallel for that is for moms with Kiddos because when I’m a baby is an infant, they’re essentially attached to the mom and not the mom’s still isn’t entirely responsible for the emotions, but essentially a mom’s whole life revolves around an infant right at first. And you can’t, there’s really, there’s not a lot of separation there, but then, you know, when they’re 20 something and, um, maybe they’re drinking more than the mom would prefer or, you know, doing things that she wouldn’t want. There’s, you can’t control that. Right. You and even it’s not, you can pray, you can model it. You can even ask challenging questions. I mean, there are lots of things you can do and uh, yeah, but you can’t take it entirely on, so that’s why you need to pray. The Lord comes back or your kids hit 13. That’s what I’m doing. So that’s still the way I see it is. Yeah, we’re, we’re about a month out, you know, a little over a month out, but you know, there can’t no exact days. But I’m praying that Lord, it comes back for my little sweet. Berkeley turns 13. Yeah. So it’s not far. So everybody just, you guys be ready, go the Lord’s return. You know, let’s haste it as mature.

Yeah, yeah. Sorry man. Yeah. Yep. So empathy. So just to review real quick before we finish up. So what empathy is, is it is stepping into someone else’s shoes, trying to recognize what they’re experiencing. Um, trying to love them well and serve them well. What it is not, it is not taking on their problems. It’s not enabling their behavior and creating more marriage problems and solutions Edmond. Um, it’s just the first step to conflict resolution. And that’s what brings the freedom from circular arguing. So Amen. You know, I think just being heard to diffuses in the escalates a lot of situations that typically spin out of control. Yeah. Well guys, thank you so much for listening. You know, here at New Vision counseling, we have a team of biblical counselors that marry Biblical principles with cutting edge counseling techniques to join you in your story today. So if you’ve liked this video, you can watch more on our website. You can go to our Facebook or Instagram handle, which is news and counseling OKC, but if you need more, if you have a friend that needs more than you can go to nutrition counseling that live, that’s news and counseling, that Liv and there, you can connect with us. You can watch videos and see testimonies, read reviews of people’s lives that have been changed through the New Vision counseling, and we would love the opportunity for you to be the next person that sees God move through counseling. God bless and we’ll see you again next Tuesday.