Hi, I’m Shawn Maguire and this is the New Vision counseling.live OKC Christian marriage counseling podcast, episode number 35 this is a place where we help you discover what better looks like for you and then equip you with the tools to create it. Today on episode number 35 we’re going to be talking about seven keys to create great conversations with your child. Now podcast, episode number 34 we went over part one through four of these keys. This time we’ll review part one through four and then add new material with five through seven. Now this podcast is for those people, this exact podcast. Those parents are people that will be parents or grandparents and you want to connect with kids, or maybe you’re a youth leader or maybe you just love kids. Well, these seven keys will help you uncover different strategies and uncover parts of your children’s hearts that you have not had access to because you’ve been relating to them as adults.
Or maybe you just haven’t grown with them as they brought in from infants, toddlers, you know, little elementary school kids, teenagers, adults. So this will help you to kind of navigate the different seasons of life with them and stay in tune. You know, it’s such a big deal to do this because I live with this urgency everyday in different levels, almost to a fault at some points because he, you see, for me, when I was young, I didn’t have OKC Christian marriage counseling, my mom had to work just to survive being raised by a single mom who were two to three jobs at any given time. She did her very best to put food on the table and keep a roof over our head and then navigate life, learning how to do life for herself while she’s trying to raise this rambunctious energy filled young boy. And I know that many of you parents today, maybe in less than ideal circumstances, you may not have the resources that you thought you would have at this stage of life you are.
Life may not look anything like what you thought it would be, but yet you find yourself still wanting to be the best parent that you can be. And this podcast is for you. So sit back, enjoy, listen in a nonjudgmental, safe place where you can just receive and you know, integrate those parts of what I’m going to share to your life in a, in a nice, relaxed man, nonjudgmental way. And I say that because so many people find themselves on the other end of judgment. When somebody presents an opportunity to grow the shame based dialogue in there and your mind may start to say, see, you’re not doing it right. You see your kids are 10 and 15 look how much time you’ve missed. And I just want to encourage you that you know, Jesus came to die for us. He came to set us free and the Bible said, who the son has set free is free indeed.
And so there is freedom and what I’m sharing OKC Christian marriage counseling, so please receive everything and all the podcasts I do, not just this one with an attitude of grace with an attitude that this is an opportunity, opportunity to grow, not an opportunity to feel bad about what you have not done to this point. Because right now God’s given you this and it’s called the present because it’s a gift of opportunity to see what you can do moving forward with the information that I give you today. All right, that’s the and drama. Without further ado, the first four are basically one and if you haven’t listened to podcasts 34 please go back and listen to it cause I’m briefly going to touch on them and then go right into the new material today. So the number one of the seventies is let them see that you care. Let them see that you value them more than their performance, more than their behavior.
To don’t criticize. Bring an element of compassion, bringing an element of you care and listen to what they’re saying. Refuse to criticize, condemn, or complain on their behavior. Three, you have a gift from God and it’s called patients. Actually, it’s a fruit. It’s a fruit cause you’ve got to cultivate it. Gifts are given. Fruits are cultivated and grown usually in the soil of a newer and the tough seasons of our life. God grows his patients. We’ll give that to your kids. They need that. And then ask questions that are open ended. Don’t ask, how’s your day at school bad? Ask what was great about your day at school today. That’s the, that’s the four. But go into a lot of detail and how to do that. Different scenarios of what that looks like in podcast number 34 so this one, new material, five. This is okay.
Just so you guys know, I’m looking at a mirror right now when I go through these because I really need to hit number five. Hard. Number five is wait for calm, teachable moments. Do not force your opinions, your need to communicate upon your kids and situations when they’re having a meltdown or situations when they’re crying and emotionally not able to engage in that level yet. So this is really hard if you’re wired anything like me, because you want them to obey in the moment. You want them to deal with the situations in the moment. You want them to be okay moving forward. And I know that I as a 40 something year old, man, I can’t do that. I can’t snap my fingers and be okay with something that has hurt me or I can’t be okay that quickly. When my wife and I get in an argument or I realized that somebody has, uh, given me bad advice, it’s cost me thousands of dollars.
I can’t do that now. Maybe you can and you’re extremely rare and that’s amazing. And you should probably write a book because I’ll buy it. But most of us, we can’t just snap our fingers and get right and have a conversation when we’re still upset about whatever it is going on, we’re upset about. So what I encourage you to do is give your kids space and be aware of what you need to do to move into that when they’re available. So that might mean, hey buddy, like my son, he’s a lot like me when I was younger and still today just, I’ve got a longer leash of frustration tolerance, but he gets frustrated really easily and that can move him to high levels of emotion, to elevating his voice, to maybe doing the flip flap. You know, the floppy fish on the ground. I know your kids would never do anything like that, and I know I’ve never done that.
I just hope you never meet my mom to fact check that. So whatever they’re in, or maybe you have a daughter, maybe your kids not that reactive. Maybe yours is just, you could tell they just shut down and locked out. Listen, that’s okay. That’s the human experience of living in a fallen world where we have to print a process, this, this difficult information or or hurtful feelings or hurtful activities or actions from those we love and whether you’re right or wrong, and your parenting approach, giving your kids a space they need and then approaching them when they’re available for conversation, they’re available to navigate through. This will have a profound impact on you honoring them and then it will give you the space when they’re honored for them to begin to trust you, to open up more, to trust that you’re a safe person, that t to really, even if you are safe, to see that you’re safe.
Because listen, if they’re upset at you because they’ve just experienced a consequence, even if it’s because of their bad choices that you’ve told them 10 times to clean their room and they haven’t done it and now they can’t go with their friends. They see you as the middle and they see you as the person that created the problem. Even though you and I know they’re the ones that created it. So when you give them the time to calm down and you get in a good space and you know, sometimes you can’t do this, but I would say high 90% you can do this with most kids and the older they get, the more you need to do this as it becoming an individually and become their own person, then you give opportunity that you can hear their heart, that you can ask open ended questions.
We talked about this. And so when you give them the gift of patients in that moment and you know they may have created more consequences for themselves later by the way they’ve acted, but engaging them in high level, seeking this deep conversations, just going to add fuel to the fire. So this is a big one. And again, I’m probably going on about this so much because I’m talking in the mirror and I see this as a OKC Christian marriage counseling counselor, as somebody who used to not just specialize in marriage, can Christian counseling and the Edmond, Oklahoma City, Guthrie area, but also used to go to schools and educate people on and teachers and principals on how to navigate these situations. I used to speak to foster parents. I used to go and do seminars with, with people in fields that dealt with kids and and I found this is really big as to give kids, especially Ma Ma as much as you can.
Some situations you really can’t, but as parents we can space will be glad that you did another number six and the key areas is remember that your goal is not your end goal with your kid and your son or your daughter is not them to listen to you. If that’s your end goal, then you’re raising just a soldier or just somebody that knows how to follow directions. And you may think there’s a lot of value in raising just a soldier or just a little girl who obeys. But let me just frame this. Let’s say your kids when they go to college or they get outside of your nest and you’re not the one telling them what to do, they find somebody else who is a power person who tells them what to do, but they don’t have the kind of character that you have or that your husband or your wife has.
And they’re not telling them to do things that are life giving. They’re actually, they’re actually telling them to do things that are harmful or abusive or even toxic to their lives. And then of course it’s going to affect your life and those you love. So, so don’t make your goal just just raising a soldier or just raising an obedient child. Now is obedience part of the way that you should raise your kids? Absolutely. It’s biblical. It’s true, it’s right. Should you raise a soldier, somebody that can deal with adversity and fight the good fight and push through battles and wear the armor of God? Absolutely. Absolutely. What absolutely, but don’t raise just a soldier or just somebody who is obedient. That’s just a part of the goal. The real goal as a parent is to raise them to have a relationship with God and out of that relationship they have a relationship with you that the, the apex to the primal, the goal, the summit is that they have a true relationship with Jesus Christ.
That’s real, that’s personal and that extends beyond the borders of your home. And so if you have that as your primary goal, then it will inform the way you make all your decisions. And if you have another primary goal after that is to have a relationship with you, then you’re going to be able to do a lot of these things. Cause that’s going to be your why. It’s going to be significant enough because you know that you’re not going to always have. And if you don’t, then I’m telling you right now, you will not always have the amount of power over their lives as you do today. That for somebody like me, that’s really hard to accept because I want them to always make decisions, lead towards life, towards relationship, and towards helping themselves and making the world a better place because they’re a part of it by serving others.
But we’ve always had this much influence. We won’t always have this amount of access to their lives, and so it’s necessary to keep that goal of relationship on the forefront of what we do and that US giving behavior modification and telling them what to do and giving them or helping them create solutions. That’s just a part, but it should not be the driving focus guys of how we parent and love our kids. That’s a big deal. It’s a really big deal. Alright, now this one’s really complicated. Number seven, the seventh key to Greg conversations with your child. Now this is really key that don’t miss this. You might want to sit down and it’s so profound. You might want to get a notebook. You might even want to just audio, video, record the audio of this. Okay, here it is. Ready, listen, listen, listen. Okay.
You probably weren’t listening. Let me say that again. Listen, listen, listen, clue. Phone is ringing off the hook for all of us parents. We can get so bogged down to the demands of everyday life. Even if those demands, which it does for most great parents includes kid sports, kids activities, school activities, church activities, family functions, kids’ birthdays, kids speak overs, what, whatever those activities are, we can get so inundated with the draws outside of our family that we miss the people inside of our family. We can listen so much to social media of how to be a better income producer or entrepreneur. How to be a better Christian with OKC Christian marriage counseling, how to be a better mom, a dad that we fail to listen to the hearts and the voices of our little people that are in her home. And for some of you, not so little people in your home.
And what happens when this is your state of being is they’re going to find other people who will listen to them. And I think that you have a certain amount of time before your kids age out, and I know that you want to be one of those people. I know that you want to be on the inner circle of your kids’ lives until as long as you’re here on earth because you love them and you want the best for them. And so I’m talking to you to go back, listen to this podcast, listen to the number 34 these are, these really are the keys. Now sure I could go a mirrored myriad of directions and talk about so many different areas of how you can’t engage specifically in activities that they like and how to frame that. But, but really under the umbrella of what I’ve given you, you can create amazing relationships with these kiddos and they’ll last for a lifetime if you follow these simple principles that we went over. So today talked about these seven keys. We talked about being present with them and valuing them. Number one, two, don’t criticize or condemn. There’ll be a place that’s safe. Three, be patient for ask open ended questions, not yes and no questions. Five is
wait for the moments to have these conversations. Don’t force them on. They’re not appropriate. Six, the goal is a relationship with Jesus Christ first and then with you, not behavior modification, not obedience, not just being a soldier, and then seven is listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen. Oh, by the way, if you weren’t listening, uh, listen is number seven. Well, thanks so much for listening to the division. OKC Christian marriage counseling. Got Live podcasts and I want to say if this was helpful, please share it with others. Please describe subscribed to our podcast and you say, show this is great, but you know, I need more help, or I’ve got a friend that needs more help than just a podcast. The great news is we have a team of counselors that Mary Biblical principles with cutting edge counseling techniques to join you and your story today, and all of you have to do this is it, the bar is still low. Email us, go to new counseling.live. Hit the contact now button and then reach out to us. Email call however you want to, and let one of our highly caring, trained counselors jump into your store with you so that you’re no longer alone and you don’t have to figure this all out by yourself. God blessed. Remember newsy counseling. They’ll live. Podcasts is a place where we help you discover what better looks like for you and equip you with the tools to create it.